Hello dear reader(s)!
Today I have an appointment at the cancer center where I got my stem cell transplant. It was just going to be a routine appointment to make sure I am doing okay, but I have been feeling very dizzy the past few days and I want to see if they can figure out why. I am a little scared now of what might be found, but I know the only way to get through something is to face it.
The continued effects of my cancer still baffle me. Some days I wake up feeling like I could take on the world, but then out of nowhere I seem to go through periods of time where I don’t feel like I can hold up my head, let alone actually do anything. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with life, it just never would have occurred to me that years later I would still be dealing with it. My transplant was 3 years and 15 days ago.
I really figured that if I survived, it would be over. I would go back to life as usual and that would be that. It is discouraging to me that I still don’t think as up and down as I am that I could hold a job. It is discouraging that I got pneumonia in December. It is discouraging that I feel like I could pass out. Or when I feel the slightly swollen lymph node on the left side of my neck and I start panicking over all of the horrible things it could be.
If my organs weren’t already so damaged, I would ask for a second transplant. If I knew the medications wouldn’t completely wipe out my kidneys, or cause me to lose hearing in my other ear, or something else, I would.
But things are damaged. And I have enough okay days that I don’t want to risk coming that close to death again. I was actually healthy with the exception of the cancer before I had the transplant, after all.
So today, I will go to the center and see my doctor, and tell her about the way I feel. I will explain my worries and my fears and see where they lead. I will face the fears that I have in the hope that I can either get better, or at least prevent myself from getting worse.
There isn’t much of a point to this post. I really just wanted to vent. Although, maybe this will help some of you out there, struggling with your own fears.
Because if I can face the fears I have, you can face yours. Win or lose, if we face them, we triumph.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela