Not Another Cancer Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today I have an appointment at the cancer center where I got my stem cell transplant.  It was just going to be a routine appointment to make sure I am doing okay, but I have been feeling very dizzy the past few days and I want to see if they can figure out why.  I am a little scared now of what might be found, but I know the only way to get through something is to face it.

The continued effects of my cancer still baffle me.  Some days I wake up feeling like I could take on the world, but then out of nowhere I seem to go through periods of time where I don’t feel like I can hold up my head, let alone actually do anything.  Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with life, it just never would have occurred to me that years later I would still be dealing with it.  My transplant was 3 years and 15 days ago.

I really figured that if I survived, it would be over.  I would go back to life as usual and that would be that.  It is discouraging to me that I still don’t think as up and down as I am that I could hold a job.  It is discouraging that I got pneumonia in December.  It is discouraging that I feel like I could pass out.  Or when I feel the slightly swollen lymph node on the left side of my neck and I start panicking over all of the horrible things it could be.

If my organs weren’t already so damaged, I would ask for a second transplant.  If I knew the medications wouldn’t completely wipe out my kidneys, or cause me to lose hearing in my other ear, or something else, I would.

But things are damaged.  And I have enough okay days that I don’t want to risk coming that close to death again.  I was actually healthy with the exception of the cancer before I had the transplant, after all.

So today, I will go to the center and see my doctor, and tell her about the way I feel.  I will explain my worries and my fears and see where they lead.  I will face the fears that I have in the hope that I can either get better, or at least prevent myself from getting worse.

There isn’t much of a point to this post.  I really just wanted to vent.  Although, maybe this will help some of you out there, struggling with your own fears.

Because if I can face the fears I have, you can face yours.  Win or lose, if we face them, we triumph.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

55 thoughts on “Not Another Cancer Post”

  1. I love that quote so much.

    Josh, you got this. You go in there and tell her everything you need to, get that shit addressed and have your perfectly normal fears alleviated. Or I’ll personally go up there and kick her in the ovaries.

    By the way, there IS a point to this post. This is your blog. This is your place to vent and share and commiserate and get things off your chest. The good, the funny, the sad, the scary.

    You got this. Be safe. Be well.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Been there buddy. I had 2 choices when I was diagnosed. #1.have a pity party. #2.take it as a gift to realize that every day I am given is a gift in itself and embrace your time in this
    life to make loving memories.(<<this was not my personality.) I chose #2. I feel if I didn't experience this, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I am better for it and i am grateful it changed my life. I can tell you picked #2. God's Speed brother. I'm ok. Your ok. Trust & be grateful ♡♡

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your situation and mine are apples and oranges, but nonetheless, I understand and empathize with your bad days, your worries, and your disappointment. If you’d like my two cents — Penny One: an immune system seems to take at least twice as long to build-up as it did to be destroyed and Penny Two: do you ever think about what it must take to overcome the sheer trauma of your life?
    Gawd I love the good days. I wish you more good days.
    Hope everything goes well today.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, it has been well over twice as long. But that is okay, hopefully it just does recover. And yes, I do from time to time, but I try not to dwell in it. Today went okay, in that they didn’t find anything really wrong, and the minor thing I suspect is the level they didn’t have back yet, so I am pretty sure it is just that.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Sending you oh-so-many cyber hugs. It’s good to vent. We’re, obviously, hoping for good news, and will help you celebrate, but we’re also here if it’s bad. Either way, we’re in this with you. You got this.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I will have to disagree with you when you say “There isn’t much of a point to this post.” The point of this post is perfectly captured in Mandela’s quote and in your living his quote. Most of our petty struggles pale when compared to what you are going through. Best wishes on a speedy recovery.

    Liked by 2 people

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