Hello dear reader(s)!
Today the most amazing thing happened to me! I was contacted by a very well-known political figure and was asked if I would allow her to use my humble and perfect blog-type-thing as a means of getting her important message out to prospective voters or really racist aunts and uncles that like to post on your Facebook. I was, of course, honored by her request as nobody is as good at getting people interested in garbage ideas as her. I am honored she chose my blog-type-thing for an exclusive guest post in that it is exclusive to this blog-type-thing and is fictional. So please welcome Sarah Plain. Yeah, Plain.
Wow, boy howdy y’all! Isn’t Josh great? I think that kid’s goin’ somewhere ya sure ya betcha!
In case you don’t know me, my name is Sarah Plain and this week it seems me and my wonderful and perfect under God, all-American family is being attacked by the media just because my son Thatch or Train, or Tack or whatever attacked a woman and then threatened to shoot himself with a good ol’ fashioned, American-made, because we don’t want the Chinese to make our guns because then Obama would win, AR-15, dontcha know.
I am here to defend my wonderful son Thad or Tad or Snatch from these terrible and true allegations by of course letting you know that they don’t want the people at the polls, the elitists in Washington don’t understand what the Alaskan who speaks Minnesotan talk-show staple and former Vice President’s, because we all know I really won, kids have to face. My son Vlad has PTSD which isn’t an STD because he like my virgin daughter believe in abstinence-only with her two babies sure to follow in their footsteps like I bet all of you here are following in Dear Leader Donald Trump’s footsteps right to the ballot box and off to deport the job taking liberal Obama supporting immigrants that all work for ISIS which is an Egyptian so you know it isn’t good and the Muslims who want to take God from our schools and legalize baby killing after they are born and so that makes him not at fault for his actions. It means that not-my-President Obummer is at fault for giving him PTSD in his non-combat service of this great nation that isn’t great anymore thanks to all the immigrants but Chairman Trump will make great once we kick out the elitists and elect him Furher. By golly!
And oh yeah sure they don’t wantcha to be angry at the LIBERALS, for wanting to take away your guns and put in you in FEMA camps during Hurricane Sandy using operation Jade Helm! These here dang-old insiders think that the people don’t have a voice in a billionaire racist television personality that works people up into such a frenzy they vote against their interests and the interests of humanity! They think that there is something wrong with being a successful billionaire who tells it like it isn’t and has experience with the workin’ man! And all these teamsters and teachers and doctors and police officers, cattle rapists and klansman that are here at ze rally today know that our divine lord Trump has experience with the working man in treating him like dirt in his slummy apartments for having the skin color that isn’t as pure as my daughter Some Town’s Name!
And now my other son Trigonometry is developing PTSD too!
I swear boy, howdy on the name of our one true God Mr. Trump and his beloved son JESUS CHRIST, that the PEOPLE WILL BE HEARD even if what they have to say is both idiotic and largely unintelligible which I know because I am somehow still being heard years after everyone figured out that what I say is both all of the time!
My daughter’s virgin birth will bring about the coming of a new, better America where we lead the world in tax cuts for the rich and wars and poverty for all until the great day when Our Holy Trump’s son JESUS CHRIST who is the reason for the season you best start believin’ is called back by the nuclear missiles that his father will all release to take us to the promised land which is an IHOP in Kenosha. WI.
So to conclude, my fellow real Americans, remember that the eagle will fly again in this country when not-my-President Obeezy packs his bags and returns to liberal Chicago and stops treading on me and my son’s Trump-given rights to beat the shit out of his girlfriend while my daughter collects massive speaking fees shaming girls for fucking yet somehow has these children as a single-parent. It must be a miracle! Until then, get in your pickups and make some tea, because we’re all gonna Make America Great Again because we are the greatest country on Earth therefore we must be great again because we are better than everybody else even though they blame America first and JESUS CHRIST goes back in the schools to teach abstinence-only education to the non-immigrant Americans and their Trump-fearing families in Track’s name, Hallelujah I remembered it!
Featured Image by Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons