How To Sleep

Good morning dear reader(s)!

Well, good whatever time of day it is where you are.  Here at the home of MyFridayBlog™, it is morning.  A little later in the morning than I typically like to get started, but morning nonetheless.  You see, my dear reader(s), I did not sleep well at all.  Normally when I have trouble sleeping it is because I am not feeling well, or I am worried about something.  Occasionally though, it might just be because I am excited like a kid trying to go to sleep before Santa Claus or mythical figure of that kid’s choice comes to give him or her shit because said kid is a greedy little bastard who should understand what it is like to work for the things he or she has.  Fortunately, I am not sick or worried, so I must be excited.  But since I still have many days to wait for that for which I am excited, I figured I better start focusing on getting more sleep.

So as I made this morning’s coffee (the only real drink that should ever be consumed.  Wait, you don’t like it?  What?), I decided that I would endeavor to come up with a plan for sleeping tonight and the rest of the nights until the time I can sleep comfortably having received that gift I am so excited about because I am a greedy little bastard.  And then I thought, “I know, Josh, I will counter-balance some of my greed by helping my dear reader(s) with their sleeping issues while I am figuring out how to take care of my own!  Kill two birds with one stone.”

And myself responded to me, “Dude, why would you kill a bird, let alone two?  You’re pretty much vegetarian.  And with a stone?  Come on!  Could you be any less humane?”

So after a few minutes arguing with myself over a figure of speech, I set out to make this helpful guide for you.

  1. Drugs.  I’m not talking about sleeping pills.  That stuff if dangerous, addictive, and makes people do crazy things.  I’m not talking about alcohol, as I have seen what trying to medicate with alcohol can do to someone.  I am certainly not talking about cigarettes as they are a stimulant.  Call Congress when you figure it out.
  2. Do something during the day.  I was pretty inactive for the second part of yesterday.  There was a low pressure system coming in and I felt it.  I think being active a couple hours before bed can really help.  I wonder who I could find to help me be active a couple hours before bed.  Maybe we wouldn’t even have to go far.  Or leave the bed at all.
  3. Get away from the blue light.  Put down your phone and your computer a bit before going to bed.  I’ve recently been on my devices a whole lot, which has been great.  However, blue light is known to disturb sleep patterns.  In fact, it is always best to not go into the light.  Although, you are supposed to rage against the dying of the light.  And the machine.  Though maybe don’t listen to Rage Against the Machine just before trying to sleep.
  4. Drink plenty of water throughout the day and not just before bed.  Because it is difficult to sleep when you have to pee.  Or already have.  Don’t pee the bed.  It probably isn’t great for sleeping.  Unless you are named R.  Who names their kid R.?
  5. Limit your caffeine intake to the first part of the day.  I know, I just said to limit the amount of coffee you drink.  I know.  I’m sorry to betray you, coffee.  It isn’t you, it is me.  I just, I just need space.  Oh, and never drink tea.  Never.  Ugh.  Only coffee. What do you mean you don’t like coffee?
  6. Do not eat a lot of food right before bed.  Lately I have been stuffing my face.  I am not sure why.  Occasionally I have had too large a meal too close to bedtime, and my stomach has let me know in no uncertain terms that it does not find that to be acceptable.  And the stomach doesn’t stop letting you know that just because you are tired.  The stomach is kind of a dick, actually.  That said, whether it is a dick move or not, the stomach might keep you up at night.
  7. Try reading a book.  But if you are me, this can’t be a good book.  It has to be one you don’t really want to read.  Because if you like the book, it will be 4 in the morning when you look over at the clock having just finished it and being pissed that you don’t have the next one in the series.  Maybe read the bible.  It is pretty boring, and seems like it was written by a lot of different people in contradictory ways; so that should be uninteresting enough to help you sleep.
  8. Try meditation.  Count your breaths.  And sheep.  And all of the things that you have to do the next few days.  And the money in your bank account verses the bills you must pay.  That will totally help you sleep.
  9. Take a shower or bath, for those bath people out there.  Do this a couple of hours before bed, so you are nice and relaxed by the time you hit that pillow.  Or bed of nails.  Or dog kennel.  I don’t judge.
  10. Have sex, and/or masturbate.  Basically, I look at it like this.  Do you have a problem?  If yes, are you in a place where either nobody or only consenting adults with the ability to consent can see you?  If yes, then sex and/or masturbation is always the answer.

What about you, my dear reader(s)?  Any tips and or/tricks you would add?  Let me know in the comments.


Featured image by Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons



Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

41 thoughts on “How To Sleep”

    1. I actually get a little energized after meditating. It is a relaxing energy, so it might work on the worry days, but on the excited days, I usually find it doesn’t. More of a morning, post-coffee ritual for me personally.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Why don’t you put some cream cheese in that coffee, while you’re at it? Talk about killing two vicious, rabid birds with one steaming cup of no. Have some tea; chamomile is quite soothing, I hear. Tea people are cooler, because we don’t judge you weird ass coffee drinkers and your caffeine addiction. Anyone got a 5-hour energy to spare?

    Also. #1, #2, and #10 would be a pretty epic combo. You should try it sometime. I’m sure you have. You should try it again. Mind blowing.

    P.S. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I plead the 5th on anything I may or may not have tried.
      And plenty of tea people are judge-y. Like you are being right now about my judgement of weird-ass tea drinkers and their caffeine addiction. And no thanks on the 5 hour or any other processed energy drinks.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your coffee beans were processed in a pile of bat poo. And I don’t drink them. I used to. But now I just walk around like a poor non-caffeinated zombiephanie.

        I’m not judging. Coffee-drinking wankerbean.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. R was the zombie in Warm Bodies, not sure if you meant that. Anyway, I want to know about #1 so I can call Congress because I know, just absolutely know that they will take my call and help me in any way possible. Great advice, I would add, don’t eat spicy food before sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, I was referring to R. Kelly. And sadly, I think you are right about the helpfulness of Congress, at least if the sarcasms I got from you on that was accurate. And yes, spicy food just before bad can be even worse that too much food, especially for me!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My husband always suggests your last one 🙂 I prefer reading a book or, if I wake in the night (which I’ve done the last two nights =project work) listen to a ‘talk’ radio station through one earphone (so I can roll over) e.g. BBC World Service!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Josh
    You are crazy man….in a good way, as far as I know. You are right on the money about electronics, they are now an appendage. It’s a hard habit to break for me. We have to remember TV is also stimulating.
    I have a Salt Lamp, Amazon sells, I forgot what they do, just work their mojo.
    Lavender is awesome. If you’re the bath type put some oil in a hot bath. I also have a Lavender muslin near my head.
    You mentioned several good ideas, I’ll keep that to myself.
    I’ve seen you around my site, can tell you love music, why not request a song for Throw Back Thursday. I’m having a blast playing out my DJ dreams.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. #10 only works for men. (It’s medical, you can look it up.) This is when I get up and do stuff, and why I prefer morning sex.
    #8 is how I spent my 20’s lol NOT SLEEPING — I actually have math problems in the margins of my journals 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I understand the medical reasons why number 10 works BETTER for men, but only of you give into the sleepiness within your standard recovery time…however, orgasms are relaxing for both sexes. The more relaxed, the easier you sleep. The brain chemicals released by orgasm affects both sexes in reducing anxiety. And yeah, #8, at the end, pretty much sarcasm.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think for women #10 kinda like winning the lottery, which gets us more excited for the next big win, which is why it doesn’t really work for us. What does work for me is reading the same damn books to my kid before she falls asleep. I don’t think you have kids, but maybe your cats would enjoy listening to the same damn stories before they fall asleep too.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I get stressed out on Sunday evenings. Heading back into the workweek really does a number on me on Sundays and it affects my sleeping pattern that night; I’ll wake up in a panic. It really sucks. I’ve begun taking melatonin before bed, and it’s helped. The time-release formula is the best one, it keeps you asleep. 🙂 Great ideas though… and I absolutely agree with the last one!

    Liked by 1 person

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