The Goat

The following is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  

Jeb! was sad.  His daddy told him it was his turn.  His brother had his turn.  He seemed destined to get his turn.  He was on the center-right of his party, and could feel the winds changing bringing his party more closely to his views.  He was the establishment favorite.  But something terrible happened to Jeb!  Jeb! saw that his party’s right turn had passed him by.  Jeb! tried to go further to the right, but as he did, he lost credibility as a real leader.  He was stuck.  So he decided to go to Texas, to speak with the G.O.A.T.

“Well, look here, Dick,” Georgie said to Darth Vader, “It looks like my brother is comin’ up the drive.  I can’t wait to see little Jeb!  Maybe he can help me paint.  Or bale some hay.  Or clear some brush in front of the television cameras to show the ‘Merican people that I’m just regular folk they want to have a beer with.”

“You don’t have to do that anymore,” Vader began, “But maybe after I have this next heart attack we could waterboard him or shoot him in the face with my shotgun.”

Georgie thought for a minute before saying, “Dick, that doesn’t seem very nice.  That’s not just my little brother driving up, that’s my friend.  Would you shoot one of your friends in the face?”

“Oh my God, you are an idiot,” Vader replied.  “You don’t remember when I did?”

Meanwhile Jeb! had parked and his handlers were cradle-carrying him up to Gerogie’s door.  They rang the doorbell for him and set him down on the porch, taking his red, white, and blue binky from his mouth and putting it into the Jeb! 2016 Official Diaper Bag.

Georgie ran excitedly to the door, but his Secret Service officer answered it first.  “Dang it Bob!” Georgie exclaimed, “Why don’t ya ever let me get it?”

“My job is to protect you, sir,” Bob replied as he rolled his eyes.

“Oh, that’s right,” Georgie shrugged, “From Tara.  Are we still at war with her?”

“Georgie!” Jeb! exclaimed.  “How is my brother and the greatest of all time?”

Despite public opinion, Jeb! was convinced that his brother was the greatest President of all time and kept us safe.  He did not see how that opinion was further harming his chances of becoming President himself, and did not understand that ignoring memos about known terrorists being determined to strike within the United States resulting in the loss of thousands of lives did not exactly mesh with his notion that he kept us safe.

“I’m great, brother, how are you?” Georgie responded.

“Not so good Georgie,” Jeb! replied.

“Hello Jeb!  I find your lack of faith disturbing,” interjected Vader.

“Oh, hi Dick,” Jeb! told Vader, asking Georgie if they could talk in private.

“Dick, Jeb! and I are going to go clear some brush.  I’ve got a candidate for a library staffer showing up in a few minutes, do you think you can start the interview for me?” Georgie asked Vader.

“I love interviewing people,” Lord Vader replied.  “Do you want me to use the enhanced interviewing techniques?”

“I trust you, Dick.”

Georgie and Jeb! left the house and walked around the grounds of his ranch estate.  Jeb! explained all the troubles he was having and how daddy’s advisers were’t seeming to help him.  He told of an evangelical theocrat and a billionaire fascist and how they had made him look like some detested liberal when just years earlier he was seen as being even more conservative than his brother.  He talked about the low poll numbers and the lack of airtime he was getting in the debates.  He talked about the sideshow the whole election had become.

“What should I do, Georgie?” Jeb! asked his brother.

“Heh.  Well, I’d get up in front of the cameras, maybe in the rubble of a Taraist attack.  And I’d say we’re gonna smoke ’em out.  And that they can hide, but they can’t run.  That sure did help my popularity,” Georgie offered.

“But what if there is no terrorist attack between now and the election?” Jeb! asked.

“Well, why wouldn’t there be?  I declared war on her, you know.  That bitch Tara is sneaky and she really doesn’t like our freedoms,” Georgie replied.

“I guess I’ll have to hope for a terrorist attack then,” Jeb! told his brother.

“That’s the spirit!  In the meantime, take solace in the goat.  I’m gonna go back inside and make sure Dick isn’t waterboarding the new applicant too much,” Georgie said.

“I do take solace in knowing my brother Georgie was the greatest of all time.  The G.O.A.T.” Jeb! told his brother.

“No, Jeb!” Gerogie said, “Take solace in the goat.  She’s right over there.  I’ll be in the house, so you’ll have your privacy.  Watch out for her kicks, though.”




Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

17 thoughts on “The Goat”

  1. OMG Josh, sometimes your writing is so spot-on delightful, I feel I cannot contain myself. First line, I wanted popcorn. I was all, “Why do I not have popcorn and a SO-DUH?!?”
    So very excellent. Just a freakin riot, Man!
    I cannot even.

    Aside: Sometimes I really do take pity on guys like Jeb! I don’t think he knows how backwards he is, or how tall is ivory tower is, and I think it’s just darling that he carries lil toys in his pocket, like any good grandpa — He means well. I believe he believes he means well. But none of these things are what I seek in my representation. My story would be like, “Oh Jeb! Go back home and enjoy your family in a way that none of the rest of us ever could.”

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, in all honesty, as mean as this post sounds, I am quite sure he does mean well but just has the absolute wrong ideas on how to make that happen. And I seriously doubt they’ve ever really messed with goats…although with David Cameron and the pig rumors, you never know.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. ““You don’t have to do that anymore,” Vader began, “But maybe after I have this next heart attack we could waterboard him or shoot him in the face with my shotgun.””


    ““No, Jeb!” Gerogie said, “Take solace in the goat. She’s right over there. I’ll be in the house, so you’ll have your privacy. Watch out for her kicks, though.”

    Oh my God! Brilliant!


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