Hello dear reader(s)!
Do you ever like to mess with your friends? Do you have friends? Do you think the fact that I like to mess with my friends might be the reason I don’t have all that many friends? Do you want to be friends? I won’t mess with you, I promise. Okay, I was messing with you there.
For some reason, if I like someone, I feel compelled to be a smart-ass to them. Why? Because I like them. M-O-U-S-E. Anyway, I don’t have to LIKE them, like them, I just have to like them. Kind of like in kindergarten where the girl punches you in the shoulder and then flashes you, because kindergarten, nothing to see here, and then runs up and kisses you on the cheek and then she is your girlfriend. Okay, so now you all know how I got my first girlfriend. Anyway…
Messing with your friends can be both fun and enjoyable. For you. For them? Who cares, but for you, it can be a blast.
In this here blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain you dear reader(s), I will take you step-by-step (ooh baby, I’m gonna get to you girrrrl) through the process of effectively messing with your friends.
WARNING: Messing with your friends may cause you to lose friends. MyFridayBlog and Joshua Wrenn assume no liability for friend loss or any other negative consequences that may arise from you doing everything you read. If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I might, with a bungie cord. A brand-new one that fully stretched will still keep me many feet from the water below. Triple checked. If I were sedated. And pushed.
- Cut a hole in a box. Oh wait, wrong step 1. Vaguebooking. Going on Facebook and putting statuses up that make you seem like you are in emotional turmoil or something really cool has happened. Then letting the first person who comments on it feel dumb for commenting on a vague status. Example status: Big things happening today! Example comment: What? Example comment reply: Planets orbiting around the sun. You have to admit, those are pretty big.
- Warring over music, pop culture, movie references, etc… Maybe getting into fights over bands, that you were listening to before the friend was walking. Like, I don’t know, the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Right Stephanie? Admit it, you are no real fan! Check out her blog, btw, it is very good and usually pretty fun when she is actually posting. Eh-hem!
- Remember and/or note details in conversation that you can use later to put together a clearer picture of things or use to find out even more details and then drop those details on your unsuspecting friend who didn’t ever give you those details usually at the end of some unrelated conversation. I’m just going to leave this right here.
- If your friend ever does something embarrassing, never EVER let them live it down. This works best for life-long friends many, many years after the fact. Bring it up every time you see that person. Pretend like you are just remembering it for the first time since it happened even though you bring it up every single time. This is best done in front of their significant other or some other person they are attempting to impress. Pretend like you haven’t been planning it for days.
- Practical jokes. When you have a good friend, every day is April Fool’s Day. There are a myriad of pranks and practical jokes that you can pull on your friend that can be found on YouTube. Don’t do the dangerous ones, or the ones that would result in the loss of coveted property however, because then you aren’t being a friend, you aren’t being funny, you’re being a dick, bra. Aluminium foiling everything in their office, cubicle, or bedroom is a time-tested favorite.
- Use accomplices. One night I caught one of the bartenders at a place I was early. I gave her an extra $10 to totally ignore one of my friends. It was relatively slow, and I told her we’d still get the same amount of drinks and tip her well like always, but that she would ignore him and I would be the one who would end up getting them. She was totally down for the idea. All night, we’d send him up for drinks and she’d act like he wasn’t there. He’d be standing there, would even call out to her. She would even shoot him a dirty look and help the person who walked up right after him. He’d come back to our table and say she wouldn’t help him. I’d take the money, go up, get the drinks instantly, and come back talking about how nice she was. This happened about 4 times before she finally ended up not being able to hold in her laughter and he caught on when we started cracking up from the table.
- Scare them. This is simple, if they use your bathroom, stand outside the door and to the side and yell at them as they are walking out. Watch out for punches.
- Have them served. This will again require an accomplice. Type up a legal looking notice. Be sure to use all the heretofores and henceforths and all of that crap. Formatting is everything. At the bottom, let them know it is a joke. Just have a friend they don’t know show up, ask their name, and hand them the envelope with the document inside.
- If you go out to eat at a restaurant that does it, remember it is their birthday, everyday. The more embarrassing and lame the song the waitstaff sings, the better.
- “Why?” is your best friend. Sure it is on the level of maturity of a 2 year-old, but responding to everything with “Why?” can be great fun, and 2 year-olds know how to mess with people. Just look at their poor mothers.
What about you, dear reader(s)? Do you mess with your friends? Any good ideas to mess with the few I have remaining? Would love to hear your thoughts. I’m not messing with you on that, either.