How To Know When To Take Down Your Christmas Decorations

Hello dear reader(s)!

Here in the PST, it is January 9th.  Despite this, I still have passed by many houses with their Christmas decorations still up, and their lights still on.  Now, I am not going to tell you that I am offended by such displays, but I will say that it goes against every good and moral thing ever.  I will also say that it makes the baby Jesus cry.

So in this here blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain you dear reader(s), I thought I would share this helpful guide to knowing when to take down your Christmas decorations.  But then I thought better, and decided to share a demand list that you take down your damn Christmas decorations already, or else we kill an elf for every hour that you leave them up.  But then I got a warning letter from the Department of Homeland Security that making such demands could be seen as terrorist threats, and I once again decided to share this helpful guide, How To Know When To Take Down Your Christmas Decorations.

Before we get started I would like to assure my dear reader(s) that I have not received any payment or other compensation from the Take Down Your Fucking Decorations Already, You Christmas Fascists! Assosiation, or TDYFDAYCFA, although I was once their President and sole member.  

  1. Temperature.  In the Northern Hemisphere, if it is above 100 degrees Farenheit, it is probably a good idea to remove those Christmas decorations.  With climate change upon us (Seriously, Tornado Warnings in San Diego?) this may change, but for now, I think 100 in the Northern Hemisphere is a solid line.
  2. Wildlife nests.  When your inflatable Santas and Snowmen are becoming homes for birds and yellow jackets, it might be a good idea to take them down.  Maybe call an exterminator for those yellow jackets first.
  3. Gossip.  You keep hearing about the crazy person with all the Christmas decorations still up and realize they are perfectly describing your house.  You hear this gossip at a Memorial Day block party.  They also mention how you tend to walk outside in your underwear to get the paper every morning, but that is far less severe.
  4. Protesters.  I would never protest your right to keep Christmas decorations up past the point of all that is good and decent, but some might.  And the last thing you want on your lawn next to your sun-bleached, cracking, plastic nativity scene is a group of people with picket signs shouting the truth about your abuses of good taste.
  5. You mistake a hanging glass bulb for a piece of fruit on one of your trees and need to be rushed to the Emergency Room with glass in your throat.  But don’t you kind of deserve it?
  6. If any of your decorations get vandalized or stolen, the local news is no longer on your side when they come to do a story about it.  Because at that point, who is really the bad guy in the story?
  7. You blow circuits when you run the air conditioner and lights at the same time.  And your power bill has been over 3/4 of your income for many months.
  8. Planes begin to mistake your roof for runways.  Because really, the only light patterns like that visible from the sky at certain times of the year should be a landing strip.
  9. Fire.  Your Christmas tree is so dried out it catches fire.  The wires on your lights are so frayed by the elements that they catch fire.  The neighbors are so pissed off by the fact that you still have all your decorations up that they set them on fire.  May be a good sign that they are time to come down.
  10. Because it is after New Year’s, or at the very latest, Epiphany.  After Thanksgiving dinner, to New Year’s.  That is the season.  That’s it!  Done.  Nothing more.  You can have Epiphany if you grew up that way, but on the 7th, the decorations are down and the lights if left up are off.  This is non-negotiable.  I mean, I’ll kill some fucking elves.  You think I’m fucking around here?  Try me.  I’ll cut their happy, jingly fucking throats and let their blood spray all over your inflatable frosty, got it?  It would be very kind of you to keep the decorations up only during the season and makes it more special if only once a year.

What about you, dear reader(s)?  When do you feel holiday decorations are appropriate, or no longer so?  Do you have strong opinions on this either way?  What about elves, do you just want to rip their fucking heads off, especially the annoying fuckers on shelves?

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

37 thoughts on “How To Know When To Take Down Your Christmas Decorations”

  1. Actually the Lights can stay up and on until Candlemas which is in february….Just thought I would mention that,although anything with the nativity should real be down by the twelfth night unless you’re an orthodox Christian then Christmas day is on the 7th Jan and new year is on the 8th Jan.And the tradition of decorating trees with lights(Candles) and brightly coloured decorations in winter is a pagan tradition to keep the Spirits away and to make things look brighter till the Spring comes….Just thought I would mention that too….How ever the last of my decoration came down today in my House…haven’t had the time till the last couple of days to take them down 🙂 xx Rachel and Speedy

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Hahaha me being of Dutch descent I hanker after the traditional side of things, if I had my way my lights would be up till candlemas if I could afford the electricity… Hmm maybe I should go back to the old fashioned candles? I am never in any hurry to take everything down, but then I have always been more pagan then christian, xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. We are working on taking down everything this weekend. We wanted to wait until after Little Christmas which was the 6th. For those who are not familiar with it, it was when the 3 Wise Men visited baby Jesus bearing gifts. But yeah, I don’t understand when people have them on all year long.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Clever thinking! I plead guilty to still having our tree up, but we never use lights, and my ornaments are memories of the people I received them from. It is much more than some garish display. It will come down in the next few days.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Take. That. Shit. Down. For fuck’s sake. I say no more than a week after Christmas – wouldn’t want people to rush and spoil the fun they had. I can even understand pushing it as far as New Years. Sort of. That applies to trees and lights, not the inflatable yard shit. That should just be banned altogether.

    One neighbor across the street still has here bizarre decorations out. I anticipate having them around at least ’til Mardi Gras. Maybe even Easter. It can be hard to figure out what that bitch is gonna do. I will say the one next to her keeps a simple strange of tiny white lights around their door year round. But they make it work. It looks all cottagey. The rest of us bring their property values down.

    And that fucking creepy fucking elf needs to burn in the firey pits of..uhm…of…firey pits. Creepy bastard. Kill it. Kill it with fire.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. All in. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. If you’re gonna do it any time after Epiphany, then you oughta be celebrating Candlemas or Imbolc as well. I cannot imagine why anyone would keep a live tree until February 2, but whatever, I hope their smoke detectors work.
    I had to go early this year, tree was live and I wasn’t sure when they’d pick them up. I had mine out on the curb by the 4th (Epiphany was the 6th this year, but I contend that God, Jesus, and all the saints understand house fires) and the city collected it on the 4th, so it’s all good!
    There are a few houses with lights still on, and I must say, I like them. For now. 😉
    I do not like the yards where inflatables have gone to die. Just go pick them up, People. Really.

    Liked by 1 person

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