Hello dear reader(s)!
Here in the PST, it is January 9th. Despite this, I still have passed by many houses with their Christmas decorations still up, and their lights still on. Now, I am not going to tell you that I am offended by such displays, but I will say that it goes against every good and moral thing ever. I will also say that it makes the baby Jesus cry.
So in this here blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain you dear reader(s), I thought I would share this helpful guide to knowing when to take down your Christmas decorations. But then I thought better, and decided to share a demand list that you take down your damn Christmas decorations already, or else we kill an elf for every hour that you leave them up. But then I got a warning letter from the Department of Homeland Security that making such demands could be seen as terrorist threats, and I once again decided to share this helpful guide, How To Know When To Take Down Your Christmas Decorations.
Before we get started I would like to assure my dear reader(s) that I have not received any payment or other compensation from the Take Down Your Fucking Decorations Already, You Christmas Fascists! Assosiation, or TDYFDAYCFA, although I was once their President and sole member.
- Temperature. In the Northern Hemisphere, if it is above 100 degrees Farenheit, it is probably a good idea to remove those Christmas decorations. With climate change upon us (Seriously, Tornado Warnings in San Diego?) this may change, but for now, I think 100 in the Northern Hemisphere is a solid line.
- Wildlife nests. When your inflatable Santas and Snowmen are becoming homes for birds and yellow jackets, it might be a good idea to take them down. Maybe call an exterminator for those yellow jackets first.
- Gossip. You keep hearing about the crazy person with all the Christmas decorations still up and realize they are perfectly describing your house. You hear this gossip at a Memorial Day block party. They also mention how you tend to walk outside in your underwear to get the paper every morning, but that is far less severe.
- Protesters. I would never protest your right to keep Christmas decorations up past the point of all that is good and decent, but some might. And the last thing you want on your lawn next to your sun-bleached, cracking, plastic nativity scene is a group of people with picket signs shouting the truth about your abuses of good taste.
- You mistake a hanging glass bulb for a piece of fruit on one of your trees and need to be rushed to the Emergency Room with glass in your throat. But don’t you kind of deserve it?
- If any of your decorations get vandalized or stolen, the local news is no longer on your side when they come to do a story about it. Because at that point, who is really the bad guy in the story?
- You blow circuits when you run the air conditioner and lights at the same time. And your power bill has been over 3/4 of your income for many months.
- Planes begin to mistake your roof for runways. Because really, the only light patterns like that visible from the sky at certain times of the year should be a landing strip.
- Fire. Your Christmas tree is so dried out it catches fire. The wires on your lights are so frayed by the elements that they catch fire. The neighbors are so pissed off by the fact that you still have all your decorations up that they set them on fire. May be a good sign that they are time to come down.
- Because it is after New Year’s, or at the very latest, Epiphany. After Thanksgiving dinner, to New Year’s. That is the season. That’s it! Done. Nothing more. You can have Epiphany if you grew up that way, but on the 7th, the decorations are down and the lights if left up are off.
This is non-negotiable. I mean, I’ll kill some fucking elves. You think I’m fucking around here? Try me. I’ll cut their happy, jingly fucking throats and let their blood spray all over your inflatable frosty, got it?It would be very kind of you to keep the decorations up only during the season and makes it more special if only once a year.
What about you, dear reader(s)? When do you feel holiday decorations are appropriate, or no longer so? Do you have strong opinions on this either way?
What about elves, do you just want to rip their fucking heads off, especially the annoying fuckers on shelves?