How To Ruin Christmas

Hello dear reader(s)!

As many of you may or may not be aware, I don’t really celebrate Christmas in the Christian tradition, being that I’m not Christian or anything.  However, from the day after Thanksgiving all the way up until New Year’s Day (on which all is quiet), I do celebrate the season.  With the solstice being the most important.  However, I was moving on it.

My family still does Christmas, which is just fine with me.  It is the season that matters for me, not the specific day.  So tonight, we will be having a Christmas feast.  There will be much feasting but no roast beast.  My brother, his girlfriend, and my mother may be attending, or they may not, and I will not know until later.  No biggie.

So I would never want to ruin Christmas for anyone, because I grew up celebrating it, still love the season associated, dig all the tunes, love the traditions (stolen or not), and love the friends and family togetherness aspect.  However, I thought I would give those of you who feel like ruining Christmas a helpful guide in this here blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to enlighten, entertain, and educate.  So shall we begin?

  1. If you have children, tell them Santa didn’t come because they were too naughty.  To not scar them for life, you should probably not actually keep any presents from them all day, just enough to where the temper tantrums and crying is occurring as other guests and family arrive.
  2. Every time you see anyone, say, “God bless us, everyone!”  No matter the situation, their religion or lack of, or any other factor.  I especially like it when asked where the bathroom is.
  3. Take the lyrics to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” literally.  Because nothing says Christmas like date rape.
  4. Run around crying and screaming every time someone does something that isn’t just the way you imagined.  Scream, “Christmas needs to be PERFECT!”
  5. Actually get someone the full list of gifts for the twelve days of Christmas.  Hopefully that person has a studio apartment.
  6. Go up to the person ringing the bell at the Salvation Army kettle and lecture them on why you won’t give them any money since they stopped dressing up as Santa.  Tell them they are the front-line in the war on Christmas.  Call them Private Pile.
  7. Before the feast, ask someone to say grace.  Whatever they say, glare at them and tell them that is not how you do it here.  Use the word “heathen”.
  8. Go on a 45 minute rant about the over-commercialization of Christmas as you are handing out gifts.  Talk about back how back in your day Christmas gifts didn’t start appearing in stores until Christmas Eve and it gets earlier every year.  Explain to them that the reason for the season is getting lost in the fancy gadgets.  Then talk about how you walked both ways uphill in the snow to school because you came from a time when cars weren’t even around even though everybody knows by your age that you are lying.  Don’t mention that the over-commercialization of Christmas has been bitched about since the original Miracle on 34th Street which came out well before you were even born.
  9. Ask any family members about relationship status and or parenting status incessantly, just as you would at any gathering.  Pretend that your entire life would be ruined unless these people had children.  Make it all about you.
  10. Drink so much spiked eggnog that you end up coating the entire table in a film of yellow, milky vomit, and pretend there was something wrong with the food.  Do this while yelling as many obscenities as possible.

I’m sure there are plenty of other ways you can ruin Christmas, but this should serve as good guide for beginners to make it through the day.  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good plight.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

19 thoughts on “How To Ruin Christmas”

  1. Vulcan mind meld at work! I have been obsessively running over the “Baby it’s cold outside” lyrics, comparing them to other 1940’s and 50’s lyrics, and conning to the conclusion that the Big Bad Wolf seemed to be perfectly acceptable: “There’s three feet of snow out there. You don’t wanna walk home alone in THAT, do you? Alone? In those high heels? In that ten below zero with a headwind blizzard? Nah. Stay here with me. Have some more egg nog. Here, take this red capsule. It’s a vitamin, it’s good for you. Tsk, tsk, you’re hot with that cashmere turtleneck on, aren’t you. That’s better….”

    “Young lady, what happened to you last night? We were worried sick that you and Fred had gone off the road in that blizzard and were lying somewhere dead in a ditch!”

    “Oh, Daddy, it was terrible! Fred’s car wouldn’t start so we had to spend the whole night huddled up in front of the fire–”

    “Why you little whore! You egged him on, didn’t you, with that tight sweater!”

    Sigh. Now you know what happens in my brain when I listen to music.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ah well I don’t celebrate in the christian way either,Just the season to and the santa bit because being of dutch descent we celebrate St Nicholas and the more pagan roots of the season,So Season’s Greetings to you,xx Rachel and Speedy

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Lighten up folks. The James Taylor/Natalie Cole version of “Baby It’s Cold Outside ” is not only musical perfection, it is flirtatious and quite humorous.
    As an atheist I also enjoy some of the religious tunes. After all, the season is supposed to emphasize joy and peace. Giving and celebrating.
    But, my favorite Xmas song of all time is called “The Secret of Christmas” sung by Ella Fitzgerald.

    Happy holidays.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. See, I knew How to Ruin Christmas was going to be funny. I started laughing at #2. Donna Parker is here. You are both humor bloggers.
    Thanks for the laugh this evening. (Evening here still in California.) I so enjoyed my visit to your site, I just followed your blog. I look forward to more humor from you in the coming year. I think I will smile each time I think of your “heathen” line. As busy as I am trying to learn blogging tips to pass on to others, we could all use a good dose of humor in our lives.
    Thank you.
    Janice

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ahahah!! Ok you’re definitely invited to my Christmas party next year! (Except for the fact that I don’t actually have christmas parties and avoid all social contact if possible) But IF I ever do have a party, you’re totally invited! Except please no number 10’s okay? That would be totally gross. And maybe keep number 3’s to a minimum.

    PS- This list is hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

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