Hello dear reader(s)!
As many of you may or may not be aware, I don’t really celebrate Christmas in the Christian tradition, being that I’m not Christian or anything. However, from the day after Thanksgiving all the way up until New Year’s Day (on which all is quiet), I do celebrate the season. With the solstice being the most important. However, I was moving on it.
My family still does Christmas, which is just fine with me. It is the season that matters for me, not the specific day. So tonight, we will be having a Christmas feast. There will be much feasting but no roast beast. My brother, his girlfriend, and my mother may be attending, or they may not, and I will not know until later. No biggie.
So I would never want to ruin Christmas for anyone, because I grew up celebrating it, still love the season associated, dig all the tunes, love the traditions (stolen or not), and love the friends and family togetherness aspect. However, I thought I would give those of you who feel like ruining Christmas a helpful guide in this here blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to enlighten, entertain, and educate. So shall we begin?
- If you have children, tell them Santa didn’t come because they were too naughty. To not scar them for life, you should probably not actually keep any presents from them all day, just enough to where the temper tantrums and crying is occurring as other guests and family arrive.
- Every time you see anyone, say, “God bless us, everyone!” No matter the situation, their religion or lack of, or any other factor. I especially like it when asked where the bathroom is.
- Take the lyrics to “Baby It’s Cold Outside” literally. Because nothing says Christmas like date rape.
- Run around crying and screaming every time someone does something that isn’t just the way you imagined. Scream, “Christmas needs to be PERFECT!”
- Actually get someone the full list of gifts for the twelve days of Christmas. Hopefully that person has a studio apartment.
- Go up to the person ringing the bell at the Salvation Army kettle and lecture them on why you won’t give them any money since they stopped dressing up as Santa. Tell them they are the front-line in the war on Christmas. Call them Private Pile.
- Before the feast, ask someone to say grace. Whatever they say, glare at them and tell them that is not how you do it here. Use the word “heathen”.
- Go on a 45 minute rant about the over-commercialization of Christmas as you are handing out gifts. Talk about back how back in your day Christmas gifts didn’t start appearing in stores until Christmas Eve and it gets earlier every year. Explain to them that the reason for the season is getting lost in the fancy gadgets. Then talk about how you walked both ways uphill in the snow to school because you came from a time when cars weren’t even around even though everybody knows by your age that you are lying. Don’t mention that the over-commercialization of Christmas has been bitched about since the original Miracle on 34th Street which came out well before you were even born.
- Ask any family members about relationship status and or parenting status incessantly, just as you would at any gathering. Pretend that your entire life would be ruined unless these people had children. Make it all about you.
- Drink so much spiked eggnog that you end up coating the entire table in a film of yellow, milky vomit, and pretend there was something wrong with the food. Do this while yelling as many obscenities as possible.
I’m sure there are plenty of other ways you can ruin Christmas, but this should serve as good guide for beginners to make it through the day. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good plight.