Hello dear reader(s)!
I have certainly had worse weeks in my life. I have had better. But I do not recall ever having a week so emotionally confusing as this one. In my almost forty (ugh!) years on this planet, I don’t remember experiencing so many different emotions and thoughts at the same time. Conflicting ones at that. I bet even in infancy, when I was first learning to smile, laugh, scream, and cry…I had a better grasp on how I was feeling.
Between thinking a friend of mine tried to ghost me (and being wrong in the most epic of manners), going into the hospital, packing up the house and experiencing a sort of finality and slight bit of anger at the events that occurred here, to something that happened yesterday I won’t go into…it has been a strange roller coaster.
I’ve dealt with the roller coaster before. I experienced it a lot during the cancer treatment and the many times I was told I would not survive, then that I would, then that I wouldn’t again. I experienced it when Hannah would do something amazing for me and make me laugh on the days I was stuck in the hospital for months at a time. I experienced it when I was learning to walk again after my equilibrium was shot when I lost hearing in my left ear, and when the muscle atrophy was in full-force but then was so exhausted afterward I felt like I would never walk again.
I felt it when we moved here to start a life post-cancer, and then Hannah declined. I felt it a lot when I finally learned what had been going on and thought there was hope to turn things around, only for her to turn yellow and need to go to the hospital. And I felt it when they said there was no hope, then they said there was and she was improving, and then when she took the serious downward turn she wouldn’t recover from. I felt it when we knew she was gone but she was trapped here until she finally let go on our three year wedding anniversary. I felt it so many times in the aftermath. Convincing myself that I could go out and live and had to, and then getting out and realizing I just didn’t want to, until I got home and realized I couldn’t be here. I am not stranger to the roller coaster.
But at least then, I knew what I was feeling, and had a feeling for each thought. I knew I was on the uphill or the downhill of the tracks. Now, I don’t know if I am in a loop or a corkscrew and whether that loop or corkscrew is going uphill, downhill, or sideways. And it feels like it is all happening at the same time.
I know I am happy to be leaving. I know I am sad to be leaving people behind. I know I’m excited to make new friends and start something new once I am gone. I know I’m a little angry with some of the people who seemed to be so excited when they first heard I was coming here, and then made absolutely no effort to see me. I know some people did and I didn’t see them a lot for one reason or another. (Usually being sick or dealing with grief, so I don’t feel too bad.) I know some people cut me off when they found out I didn’t have plans to stay here. I know now, that it bothers some people a lot more than I ever knew. More than they ever showed. I don’t understand why, but I have a few ideas. I know how hard I tried to build a social circle here, especially after the loss of Hannah, and I know that some of the most unlikely people came to my side. I also know some of the people I thought I could count on did not. And I know that I thought they had all but written me off. And some may have. But I learned that not everybody did. And I know it bothers me.
The one thing this last week has taught me, is to never think you know something when it comes to other people. Because if you never think you know, then you won’t have to question everything you thought you knew when they prove you wrong. Sometimes they prove you wrong in positive, wonderful ways. Sometimes they prove you wrong in a way that leaves you wondering about the paths you have taken, the decisions you’ve made, the decisions they’ve made, and why it all happens the way it does. I learned that many, many people are afraid to show people that they are important to them, and that’s a damn shame.
I have some more packing to do today. I wanted to leave overnight tonight (like 12 am), but I just saw that the pass I will need to travel over is getting dumped on with over a foot of snow, and though it will snow a little tomorrow too, they might have the chance to clear the roadway if we wait until tomorrow night. That gives me a little more time to tackle the house, and the few things I have left that is not yet packed away. I also want to clean this place up a little, so my dad has less work to do once I am gone.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Be sure and tell the people in your life that they matter. You never know what it could do.