Friendship Standards

Hello dear reader(s)!

Before I wrote the somewhat infamous post to one person in particular asking her to tell me why she ghosted, I actually had a pretty good night.  A little bitter-sweet, but more sweet than bitter.  Which is about how I like my chocolate.  Dark in the 70% range, and only a square or two at a time.  Bitter-sweet.  But not cooking bitter-sweet, because that is just gross.

Anyway, we spent most of the night playing Rock Band.  Actually Rock Band 2.  Which is like Rock Band, only there is a second one.  I started out on drums.  That was a big mistake.  You have 4 pads, and a kick pedal, but even on Expert Mode the beats are not true to what the songs actually are.  And I knew most of the songs.  So I wanted to play the beats.  But instead I’m watching colors and hosing it up.  Bad.

So then I tried singing, and except for Carry On My Wayward Son (one of my favorite songs to play on a real guitar), I did okay.  By okay, I mean I didn’t exactly sound good, or even listenable, but I timed the notes right and got in the relative key to get a few “AWESOME!”s in a row.

But my instrument?  The bass.  I did okay on bass, enough to save people on harder songs.  Of course, I was on Easy mode or Medium.  Of all the truest to real life there is in Rock Band, I would say bass is closest because you typically sit there and play one note at a time in each fret on the bass like in the game.  Bass in most songs is not that difficult, and so watching the colors in time is a pretty good approximation of playing the actual bass.  Unless you are in one of the funkier Red Hot Chili Peppers or Primus songs, bass is pretty easy.  Or if you are doing good 70’s bass lines.  I Want You Back by the Jackson 5 comes to mind.  That is a good bass line.

No matter how upset you may be over the things you can’t control, remember to get out and have a good time as much as you can.  If you don’t have friends, make them.  Just try and make sure they meet your standards.  Some of them will trick you, and then you will go through the painful process of losing a friend, but there is risk if you want any reward.

So to potential friends, here are my standards, in no particular order.  If you don’t meet these, don’t try to be my friend.

  1. Honesty.  I’m big on honesty.  I need to be able to trust my friends.  So if I fuck up, let me know.  If you do, let me know if I haven’t yet.  If I have something in my teeth let me know that too, because it is embarrassing walking around with a piece of spinach or flower tortilla glued to your front teeth.  If you want to sleep with me, let me know that too.  You never know.
  2. Loyalty.  Thou shalt have other friends.  Cool.  I hope thou does.  I am not a wrathful and jealous Josh.  Just don’t cancel on our plans for other plans with other friends without a damn good reason.  Yeah, I am a generous Josh and will even give you an out if the reason is good enough.  Example:  I know I said I’d go play air hockey with you, but (Insert alternate friend here) has two tickets to see (Insert a favorite band or event here).  I could understand the air hockey bailing in that scenario.
  3. Show you care.  Doesn’t take much.  Oh I don’t know, something as simple as checking up on me or being available to talk to when I’M IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL.  (Not bitter.  No.)
  4. Do not fuck with waitstaff or other service employees.  If we go out, and you are a dick/ass/bitch/evil person to any service employee who was not first a grade A dick to you, you will be left wherever we are out.
  5. Have a sense of humor.  It doesn’t have to be a good one.  You don’t have to have the SAME sense of humor that I do.  But if everything is so serious to you all of the time, you are probably going to piss me off at some point.
  6. Don’t be easily offended.  This doesn’t mean we should run around screaming racial slurs or misogynist words all of the time.  It doesn’t mean you should like Trump.  It DOES mean that not everything is meant to be a trigger for you and if it is, that is your issue.  I might be offended by your fashion choices, but I will not let it bother me.  Unless you are totally lumber-jack hipster, with a perfectly quaffed beard.  But then we probably wouldn’t be friends anyway.
  7. Try to have fun.  Not every day will be fun or even good.  But you can try.  Fun people are more fun to be around.  Strange, I know, but it is true.
  8. Understand I have cats, and they are more important to me than you are.  I like dogs too.  And Chinchillas.  And Guinea Pigs.  And bunnies.  And all kinds of other animals.  But my cats are my family.  And nobody messes with the family unless they want to be wearing concrete shoes in the Hudson.
  9. Be willing to give and take.  Friendship shouldn’t be one-sided.  Sometimes, I’ll get your drinks.  When I’m broke and you drag me out, I expect a little reciprocation.
  10. Declare your undying devotion to me in the form of prose or song performed publicly in front of the largest crowd you can gather.  Then sacrifice a goat upon the altar you created for me and slice open your hand to seal your oath to me in your blood as I rise from the dead to bring about the end of the human world.  Just kidding.

There, doesn’t sound so hard, does it?  And yet, it seems to be for some people.  Odd.


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

27 thoughts on “Friendship Standards”

  1. Ah , Josh. Splendid. 10 very sound principles. # 10 was OK. although I would prefer to sacrifice a soya goat with fake blood. They are extremely hard to come by but well worth the effort. I have a cat who allows me to call him Dave. He only has one eye. His philosophy and current world view Look at everything twice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am really big on Honesty myself. I mean friends can NOT build a relationship on lies!

    Loyalty is big. I have a Bro that would fight with me first and ask questions later! It happened a few times. Got in a fight at a bar or at someone’s house. My best friend just jumped in. mainly because he knows I wouldn’t fight unless someone already threw a punch at me or I am protecting someone. you know, good reason. THAT’S a friend! I am 73″ inches 280 lbs. If cops come and I am the biggest guy in the room fighting, it doesn’t look good for me. you know what I mean on that?
    If my friend was in the hospital, he already knows that I can’t stand them! With numerous good reasons. (slight PTSD for places like that)
    Animals? Don’t care, you can have whatever. HATE spiders. I wouldn’t come over your house! DO NOT prank me with spiders real or fake because I will go off on you after I get done burning that freakin spider to the ground and everything around it!
    I used to be a waiter so I know about their job. I only get irate with ATT and people like that over the phone. I have broken my share of phones for the idiots I have to talk too! Well, idiots may be too strong a word.
    I love fun I always try to crack weird.
    # 9 is a given in my circles
    #10 I assume your joking about the first part LOL! I do bro hugs! That means we are Bros! HAHA!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Didn’t your teachers ever give you that 100 question test where they tell you to read all the questions first add like 99 is put your name on the paper and don’t answer any questions them turn it in? That lesson would’ve helped you in this case. 🙂 But I do like your dedication.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. Very annoyed about that. Don’t like me? Have the balls to say it. Something else going on? Explain so I don’t get all upset when I just wanted my friend. Then if you need to run away I can let you run for a while without wondering what the hell went wrong. UGH. Okay, forgetting about that now.

      Liked by 1 person

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