Hello dear reader(s)!
For a little while I’ve been struggling with my days because I was anxious to move, then I was sick, then someone I thought was at least my friend turned out not to be. So I guess you could say I’ve been a little down in the dumps recently, only that would be wrong because the landfill nearby is actually higher up dug into a hill and then made higher by all the trash. So it would be up in the dump. And there is really only one for the area. Better than being dumped into the sea like some East Coast cities like to do. That’s right, I just talked trash (get it?) about the East Coast. West siiiiieeeda! West Coast is the best coast. Represent!
In fact, I think it is time to reinstate the beef. For too long, there has only been chicken between the coasts, but it is time to bring back the beef. I’d like mine in the form of ribs, with barbecue sauce. Or shredded with barbecue sauce on a roll. If I’m going to eat beef, might as well do it right. I’d prefer bison, but that shit is expensive because of Texas and their cows dominating the industry with their antibiotic resistant, methane producing, land destroying, inferior product.
But I digress. Talking shit about the cattle industry is not the way to have a good day unless that is your thing and you enjoy it, which I do, but that is beside the point. Which it is better to be beside the point than on point, because you could become impaled. Think. Unless being impaled is your sort of thing, in which case, call me.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. How to have a good day.
- Start your day off with sex. Unless you are asexual, this is a sure-fire way to start your day off on the right genitalia. I’d say foot, but I don’t have a foot thing. No sex partner? That is what masturbation is for. Remember, God is watching, so put on a show.
- Coffee. Coffee is the life-blood of life, in convenient caffeinated form. I like mine in the form of Almond Milk White Mochas, but you can have yours however you like it. Just remember though, if you drink it black, you’re probably a psychopath. That’s not me, that’s a study, so take your psychopathic rage out on someone else.
- Breakfast. Some say it is the most important meal of the day. I say, whatever meal you are having with your date is the most important meal of the day, but we can agree to disagree provided you acknowledge that I’m right and you are wrong. At any rate, a good breakfast can get you going (especially if it is high in fiber). My ideal breakfast would be crepes and/or scones with my coffee, but my potential hookup on those two items has dropped off the planet and I refuse to make them for myself. Hannah used to make me crepes, in a normal pan. She was good at it. Crepes should never be made by you. They are a special gift. Scones I could make, if I felt like dealing with making scones. Anyway, with those two options literally off the table, a good bagel with cream cheese (also known as schmear) will do in a pinch, or even out of a pinch. I find the bagelness is complimentary to the dark, nutty notes of the coffee.
- Exercise. Provided you can breathe well enough and your lungs are less diminished than when you had pneumonia, restarting an exercise routine can be just the thing necessary to take your day from meh, to good. Unless you do too much too soon and suffer a setback which I have never been known to do. Ever. Honest.
- Pack. This only applies if you’re moving or getting ready to travel. Otherwise, packing is kind of stupid and a waste of time. For me, knowing I accomplished something that needed to be accomplished can help make my day better than sitting and thinking I need to accomplish something and then not getting something accomplished. Don’t overdo it though. You are still recovering and your mother worries about you.
- Hydrate. After your coffee, drinking liquids such as water will make you feel less run-down and will improve your day significantly over those who chose not to hydrate and are now sitting in an ER with a bag in their arm being told how they should have had more to drink.
- Show gratitude. Remember to thank the people who are in your lives who do not suck for not sucking. Unless you want them to suck and they’re not sucking. In which case, have you made your desires clear on the subject? Are you willing to please them? Do they have some hang-ups about it you just need to help them work through? Does she even know you exist and are attracted to her? These are all things to consider before bringing up the topic of literal suckage. In the meantime, you can thank the people in your life for not sucking in the non-literal sense.
- Treat yourself. Remember, life is short and all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Do you know what else makes Jack a dull boy. Jack, playing Jack in every single damn role he has ever had. Try some dimension. Jesus, you overrated hack. I did like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but that was probably the story, not you.
- Drugs. For me, those drugs are antibiotics and a prescription strength Mucinex to clear the shit from my bronchial passages. Shit in this case being mucus and infection, not actual shit. What drugs did you think I meant, officer?
- Friends. Tonight, I make my triumphant return to game night. I am feeling well enough and still have some things to give to one of my friends before I pack up the Beastess and roll to my new home. The antibiotics have kicked in enough that I know I am no longer contagious and feel well enough that I can definitely manage a little bit of game play. (That’s what she said.)
Well my dear reader(s), I hope that you use these steps to make it a great day. If it is too late for some, try tomorrow. Let me know how that works out for you. Remember, MyFridayBlog and Joshua Wrenn hold no liability should your day not be good. I have lawyers on retainer. And by that, I mean my lawyers are seeing an orthodontist. My lawyers are 12, and pretend to be lawyers. But they know their stuff. So there.