Hello dear reader(s)!
Today I am going to take you live to our business correspondent, Joshua Wrenn, GED. Joshua Wrenn has been successfully investing since he began working. His investments have always yielded something. The yields have not always been positive, but they are something. In this blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain, we go now to Joshua live at his computer nowhere near Wall Street.
Josh: What up, dog?
Joshua: Not the markets. Or maybe they are, I haven’t checked.
Josh: So I understand you have some investment strategies that you think our dear reader(s) can use to increase their success?
Josh: Well are you going to share them?
Joshua: Oh what, now?
Josh: Yeah. Now would be good, since you’re live.
Joshua: Shit, I thought that was next week. Alright, but I really haven’t done any research. I’m sure I can fake my way through.
Josh: Again, we’re live.
Joshua: You fell for that? Hahahaha! I am, of course only kidding. Hello dear reader(s)! Did you know that the vast majority of transactions on the stock exchange are computerized trades that are triggered to buy and sell based on specific conditions programmed into complex algorithms? Well, I think I heard that somewhere, so let’s just go with it. That basically means that all of the CNBC and FOX Business and Bloomberg’s Busty Business Babes channels that you watch are giving you information about trends that may have already been reversed by the time you are hearing about them. Day trading is a complex game of gambling you should only get involved with if you have money to lose and know your math. But what if you don’t? What if you are looking for something to increase or build your nest egg? Well, if you want to increase your egg, I’m not sure that can be done. Maybe hormones for you ladies out there? But if you want to build it, you will need ovaries. And a nest for some odd reason. Which would be pretty gross, if you think about it.
What if you just want to invest a little money to make it work for you so that you can retire without living off of cat food and processed ramen? (Which may as well be cat food.)
Well, I suggest staying out of day trading. It is not the way to really invest, it is more like playing blackjack, poker, or craps against Ice Cube. Because he got the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven
Seven even back do’ Lil’ Joe.
So let’s look at long-term investments. Investments you can make long-term. Investments where the term of such investments happen to be long.
- Diapers. People keep having kids, kids are going to need diapers. And although there has been some movement toward reusable diapers, there are always going to be enough babies and unfortunate population growth that this investment should grow. Do not invest in used diapers. They have been downgraded to shitty by Moody’s.
- Bail Bonds. Sometimes, for a high-risk, high-reward investment, people turn to junk bonds. I think bail-bonds are a more solid investment with a great payoff. There is always DOG to help you recoup any losses. Plus, you may just be able to turn your investment into a lucrative staged “reality” TV show.
- MyFridayBlog. This blog-type-thing is growing! I see big things for this, and you should get in on the ground floor. .01% shares will be offered at a starting offering of $10,000,000 at the upcoming IPA, and I think it is a hot tip! (That’s what she said.)
- 3-D Printing. It is the wave of the future. If time was an ocean, 3-D Printing would be a Tsunami. With applications from medical, to industrial, to the always growing sex toy industry, 3-D Printing is a great investment. And If it goes bust, you can 3-D Print yourself a house so you do not need to live in a cardboard box.
- Water. Thanks to global warming and out-of-control capitalism, water may soon be one of the most lucrative resources!
- Arms. Not the body part kind, although, I am having my team of analysts look into that one right now. The sale of arms should be increasing as long as nations continue to meddle in the affairs of other nations and arm and train rebels who end up becoming terrorists that those nations will then need arms to destroy. It is a cycle. A cycle of profit. Besides, you’ll need the arms to defend your water come the uprising.
- Marijuana. Despite hold outs and misinformed votes in places like Ohio, marijuana is going to be legal soon. Predicted crashes in Colorado never happened, and the states with legal marijuana are making bank. So are the suppliers. Of course, they can’t put that money into banks because of stupid federal laws, but they are making bank.
- Children’s body armor. Parents are going to want to know their little Johnny or Cindy has a chance of making it out of third grade when they send them off in the morning. Body armor will be in regular use for all civilians soon, and children’s body armor is, at this point, an untapped market.
- Food. People gots ta eat. Invest in food. As it becomes more and more scarce, your profits will only increase. Make sure you first invested in water so you can supply yourself and keep expenses down. The FTC won’t break you up, look at Wireless.
- Politicians. This is the single-best investment you can make. Try to get a feel for the mood of the 3 or 4% of people who still vote in order to be certain that you don’t dump billions on a candidate who was the establishment favorite but likely stands no chance. Maybe someone with the last name that rhymes with tush.
*Important notice: Joshua Wrenn is not a licensed broker, seller, or trader of any securities or anything else. This is not real investment advice. Joshua really doesn’t care what you invest in. Joshua thinks the entire global financial system will collapse in the not-too-distant future and after a period of turmoil a more fair and just society will rise from its ashes provided we have not wiped out life on this planet beforehand.