How To Ruin Thanksgiving

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today is the wonderful day of Thanksgiving here in my country which basically means a lot of people eating too much food and probably drinking a bit too much while having uncomfortable or forced conversations as they slowly decide they hate themselves for how much they have decided to eat.

For me, I am doing this with friends, which means it should be a lot less forced and uncomfortable.  I also have a major cold that will make the conversations regularly interrupted by nose-blowing and hand-sanitizing.

Most people don’t want to ruin their Thanksgiving. They want a happy occasion filled with family and friends; food and fun.  They want to avoid as much awkward conversation as they can and instead make positive memories that will remind them of all they have to be thankful for.  But where is the fun in that?  Are those memories really going to make the best stories?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So what is there to do?  You do not want everyone in your circle of family and friends to hate you, but you need a memorable and crazy story to tell.  Never fear my dear reader(s), because I have just the solution for you.  I will show you how to ruin Thanksgiving, without ruining relationships.

At least not all of them.  Probably.  Well, maybe.

  1. Show up nearly or fully naked, and already drunk.  The second part is key.  You must seem already drunk in order to pull off the nakedness.  If you just show up naked, then you’ll be turned away.  But if you show up drunk and naked, you might still be turned away, but chances are they will just be worried about you and let you in, given your condition.
  2. If you were supposed to bring something, bring something else.  Don’t show up with nothing, because that would be rude.  Just bring the wrong thing.  Like if you were to bring the stuffing, bring mashed potatoes.  Instant, still in the box.
  3. Ask every couple, regardless of age, when they are having children.  Ask every single person when they are getting a girlfriend/boyfriend.  Even at the kids table.  Discomfort, like anything at Thanksgiving, should be shared.
  4. Hit on everyone who isn’t related to you, or is distantly related.  If called out on it, just throw a fit and tell them they don’t understand what it is like to be alone at the holidays and they cannot judge you.  WARNING:  Do not hit on the other completely intoxicated distant relative as you really don’t want to end up doing even distant incest.  
  5. Ask everyone what they’re thankful for that year.  Over and over again.  Interrupt their answer to ask again.
  6. If the turkey is still cooking while you are there, just wait until nobody is looking and open the oven door.  This will allow the oven temperature to drop so as to delay the feast.  This is good, because it gives you more time to annoy.
  7. Insist on playing football.  Find the biggest hater of sports and make him or her play football with you because it is tradition.  Full contact, hit hard, no concussion checks.
  8. Get way too close to everyone there and ask if they want to do some coke.  Have a bottle of Coca-Cola handy just in case someone says yes.  Then yield to their crazy for the rest of the night.
  9. Tell them you are drawing the Thanksgiving ala Norman Rockwell and bring a sketchpad.  Then draw boobs and penises and show it to them proudly.
  10. Hire a stripper.  You just sit down at the table for your feast.  The bird comes out finally and is looking moist and delicious.  A knock at the door.  “Who could that be?” asks the hostess.  She answers the door and a half-dressed woman comes in dressed in an offensive stereotypical Indian costume that barely covers her vag and begins to play Bon Jovi as she starts with the feathers flinging them at the children’s table.  Sit back, and enjoy the hi-jinx.  When it is revealed you hired her, just tell everyone they don’t know what it is like to be alone during the holidays and they can’t judge you.  It’s a free pass.

Well my dear reader(s), whether you use these amazing tips or not, I hope that you and yours, and theirs, and their friends, and their friends’ brothers’ sisters’ former high school sweethearts all have a very Happy Thanksgiving or whatever day it is in your neck of the woods.

Also, I’m trying hard to stay positive, but unfortunately, I just learned about the latest incident.  I don’t want to write about it and bring down my day, but if you’re interested in hearing about it you can watch the most recent video.

Turkey Photo by M. Rehemtulla

Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

25 thoughts on “How To Ruin Thanksgiving”

  1. oh how very lovely! now isn’t the when you are you having kids or when will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend common at any family reunion? I remember being rather young and being asked if I had a boyfriend.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “Instant, still in the box” 😂

    The first Thanksgiving with Sam, we’d started dating earlier that year and the question we were asked by his mom was the date our wedding would be. Weren’t engaged, hadn’t even talked about it (I was 20). When he started suggesting possible dates, I got uncomfortable really fast. We ended up getting married relatively quickly anyway though, but that was awkward as hell.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I was hip to the forced family ‘fun’ holiday when I finally had the guts to tell my mother no, I wouldn’t be going to spend another holiday with people that my only connection was via DNA. It was the freedom that not even the death row reprieve inmate could reach.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sad the news is still sucking after what, two decades of this shit? Dessert us, Rick! BE GONE YOU DEVIL!
    Anyway, I enjoyed this post. I’m not too dressed and not too sober and I might be a lil…not dirty, had a bath. Perhaps inappropriate?
    Hey, you know what? I love Thanksgiving at home, or with my in-laws or, with friends. It’s those big ol extended family parties I can’t get down with. I see and hear and feel way too much to enjoy them. All that tension ruins my appetite and gives me a headache. Blarg.

    Liked by 1 person

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