Yule List

Hello dear reader(s)!

Why a Yule list?  Because I am proud to be one of those people who would fail a religious test from the conservative Christians, that’s why.  Might as well start calling my innate belief system’s celebrations by their proper names. Besides, who wants frankincense and myrrh?  (I will take the gold, however.)

So despite the fact that it is not yet Thanksgiving, and since Yule is actually a few days earlier than the Christmas holiday, I thought I would give my dear reader(s) proper time to prepare the bounty of gifts they will bestow upon me.

If you think I’m being greedy here, please remember I don’t actually expect anyone to get me anything and am making this list for your entertainment only.  (I would add education and enlightenment as usual, but this list won’t do those.  It might not even entertain.)

So now, my dear reader(s), I present to you, in all the glory of the season and this blog-type-thing…my Yule List.

  1. For Riki Lindhome to quit bothering me.  Look, I know I said I liked you and wanted you for my birthday, but I’ve moved on from my celebrity crush on you.  So please, just leave me alone now.  Don’t show up on my suggested YouTube videos anymore.  I tried telling you it was over.  I didn’t want to have to unsubscribe, and won’t…if you can keep your obvious lust for me out of your uploads.
  2. Religious tests.  That’s right, I want religious tests.  And by that, I mean anyone who seeks to exclude another person from anything based on their religion, should be tested on their religion to ensure they actually grasp it, it’s history, it’s contradictions, and all interpretations thereof.  In other words, if you only go for the most exclusionary of your religious words while ignoring the other ones…you fail and cannot hold office or any position of influence.
  3. Crepes and scones.  Every single morning.  They can alternate…it doesn’t have to be both.  I can help, and I’ll make the coffee.  I make a great coffee.  That’s one of the most fascinating things about me.
  4. To meet ISIS.  Not the terrorist organization, I’m talking about the spies in Archer.  That would crack me up.
  5. To see all of my favorite comedians live.  I don’t need them to be in body-pillow form.
  6.  A lifetime supply of Axe body spray.  To defend against terrorists or bears.  Or terrorist bears.  Or those who terrorize bears.  But if the bears were terrorizing the terrorists, I would not Axe them.
  7. Voice lessons.  Because I’m scaring the cats with my singing.  And the dogs next door.  And small children in China.  (I only picked China because it is far away.  So take your outrage somewhere else.)
  8. To finish my novel and start on my memoir.  And sell a billion copies of each.  And donate half of my earnings to the Fred Hutchison Cancer Research center while still having enough to travel the globe and live comfortably, but not too opulently because I’m not douchey like that.
  9. To punch Ted Cruz in his arrogant fucking face, legally.  I’m thinking like a sanctioned boxing match or something.  Maybe Ultimate Fighting.  It could be billed as the War On Christianity and we could put it on pay-per-view.  We’d both make a lot of money.  Comcast, Ted…have your people contact my people and we’ll work it out.  My people are me, by the way.
  10. Happiness to all.  Yeah, because deep down, I think a lot of you would be less dick-ish if you were happier.  Specifically you, Mr. Blogger who may or may not have quit but I was going to unfollow anyway since lately your hateful, bigoted views and sanctimonious preaching started to take over what was just a fun little blog.  I wish you happiness, or maybe a Snickers bar.  Because you’re not yourself when you’re hangry.

What about you, dear reader(s)?  Do you have a wishlist for this season?  Do you want a wishlist for this season?  I might be willing to let mine go, if you’re interested.  Just have your people contact my people and we can work out the terms and compensation.  Again, my people are me.

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

33 thoughts on “Yule List”

  1. Dude. You are seriously missing out on the frankincense and myrrh thing. It involves fire, resins from trees, clouds of fragrant smoke, and clothes that smell lovely afterwards for a long time. Axe me about the hot chicks who will literally mob you just to get a whiff! What’s her name, Riki, that is on the top of your list? She better watch out!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, what to say. I had a really tough day and I was talking to my younger human about it and I was told to stop talking. Then I started reading this to that human but my show on pause stopped pausing (ok it was Survivor, I had to watch) so I said, hey you’re old enough to read, so I handed off my phone while watching Survivor and listening to the laughter next to me. And the “punching legally” was funny to both of us humans. Also, I want gold – all of it. Please, if your novel and memoir sell billions, may mine sell as many. And also, really, I needed this laugh. Thank you. And you may have gained a new fan in the younger human (the one who wakes up first in the morning ).

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lol!! Awesomely hilarious yule-list! I personally make Christoween lists, because Christoween is not only the best time to celebrate religious zombie figures, but also it basically requires a viewing of the Nightmare Before Christmas. Also it requires cupcakes.

    I’m going to include your number 2 and 9 on my list, as well as number 5, but I’ll insist they DO come in body pillow form.

    As for your number 6… ughhhh that stuff is so gross!! Actually gives me hives when people wear it near me!!

    Liked by 1 person

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