Hello dear reader(s)!
Saturday night was awful. It was actually pretty good, until the end. Then it was terrible. Then it was great. It was only able to end up great because it was so terrible. I won’t go into details, but the night ended up being the first steps on a path that was laid out for me. A path I was too afraid to follow. In just my first few steps, I have reclaimed my assertiveness. I have also reclaimed my patience.
After the cancer fight, and especially after Hannah died, I was afraid. Not of death. Not of being alone. I was afraid that I was going to leave this world without having achieved the things that I want. Saturday night caused me to realize that might very well happen, but not to fear it. It also helped me to realize that I have the power to get most of everything I want should I have the time to do it.
I was out of balance. There were two competing energies in me. One, was a complete and total lack of caution, planning, and small steps toward bigger things. The other, was to try to skip those smaller steps so that I may have the bigger things as soon as possible. I was also out of balance in knowing exactly what I would and would not accept in my life, but still being afraid of being judged and being too concerned with how that may affect others. I would not want to hurt others, but too often, I was allowing myself to be hurt for that purpose.
Yesterday, I spent my first day following the path I’ve always known I should take, but was too afraid to walk it. I have goals, and ideas for my life that I haven’t had since I became an adult. I have a belief in me, and a belief in the positive energy all around me that I can reach most of those goals. (Barring some freak accident or illness.) Even before my cancer, I had vague goals, but none really well-defined. I also did not have the sense that I can reach those goals in the face of obstacles.
My whole life, I believed there were just some things I was good at, and there were some things that I was not good at. I knew I could grow in many ways, but I felt limited in just how much, and in what areas. I no longer believe that. I am daring myself to know I can do anything and will it into reality.
So today I feel great. I am on a path that I know will lead me to a better self. I am on a path that will hopefully lead me to a better world.
Of course, as with most paths, this won’t be a straight line. There will be twists and turns, and probably double-backs along the way. But the path still moves you forward.
I apologize for the self-help sounding nature of this post, but I am excited about the way I feel. I have not been this okay with things in a very, very long time…if ever. Despite my life being far from perfect, despite not having everything I want, and despite all of the things that have happened…I am very happy to be me.
As we are beginning to make the transition between fall and winter (it snowed again yesterday, and the expected high today is 36° F…so despite the sun’s insistence, it is much more winter here), I am celebrating the things and people who make my life better. I am also making plans to banish the negativity.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me get here. Thank you for everyone I know that will continue to support me as I move forward on this path. I am grateful for all of you, including my dear reader(s) for your support and well-wishes. I also thank you for your feedback and assistance in boosting my confidence as I continue to try to grow my abilities.
I wish you all the most success as you move along your paths, whatever paths those may be.