10 Good Investements

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today I am going to take you live to our business correspondent, Joshua Wrenn, GED.  Joshua Wrenn has been successfully investing since he began working.  His investments have always yielded something.  The yields have not always been positive, but they are something.  In this blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain, we go now to Joshua live at his computer nowhere near Wall Street.

Josh:  What up, dog?

Joshua:  Not the markets.  Or maybe they are, I haven’t checked.

Josh:  So I understand you have some investment strategies that you think our dear reader(s) can use to increase their success?  

Joshua:  Yep.

Josh:  Well are you going to share them?

Joshua:  Oh what, now?

Josh:  Yeah.  Now would be good, since you’re live.  

Joshua:  Shit, I thought that was next week.  Alright, but I really haven’t done any research.  I’m sure I can fake my way through.

Josh:  Again, we’re live.

Joshua:  You fell for that?  Hahahaha!  I am, of course only kidding.  Hello dear reader(s)!  Did you know that the vast majority of transactions on the stock exchange are computerized trades that are triggered to buy and sell based on specific conditions programmed into complex algorithms?  Well, I think I heard that somewhere, so let’s just go with it.  That basically means that all of the CNBC and FOX Business and Bloomberg’s Busty Business Babes channels that you watch are giving you information about trends that may have already been reversed by the time you are hearing about them.  Day trading is a complex game of gambling you should only get involved with if you have money to lose and know your math.  But what if you don’t?  What if you are looking for something to increase or build your nest egg?  Well, if you want to increase your egg, I’m not sure that can be done.  Maybe hormones for you ladies out there?  But if you want to build it, you will need ovaries.  And a nest for some odd reason.  Which would be pretty gross, if you think about it.

Moving on.

What if you just want to invest a little money to make it work for you so that you can retire without living off of cat food and processed ramen? (Which may as well be cat food.)

Well, I suggest staying out of day trading.  It is not the way to really invest, it is more like playing blackjack, poker, or craps against Ice Cube.  Because he got the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven
Seven even back do’ Lil’ Joe.

So let’s look at long-term investments.  Investments you can make long-term.  Investments where the term of such investments happen to be long.

  1. Diapers.  People keep having kids, kids are going to need diapers.  And although there has been some movement toward reusable diapers, there are always going to be enough babies and unfortunate population growth that this investment should grow.  Do not invest in used diapers.  They have been downgraded to shitty by Moody’s.
  2. Bail Bonds.  Sometimes, for a high-risk, high-reward investment, people turn to junk bonds.  I think bail-bonds are a more solid investment with a great payoff.  There is always DOG to help you recoup any losses.  Plus, you may just be able to turn your investment into a lucrative staged “reality” TV show.
  3. MyFridayBlog.  This blog-type-thing is growing!  I see big things for this, and you should get in on the ground floor.  .01% shares will be offered at a starting offering of $10,000,000 at the upcoming IPA, and I think it is a hot tip!  (That’s what she said.)
  4. 3-D Printing.  It is the wave of the future.  If time was an ocean, 3-D Printing would be a Tsunami.  With applications from medical, to industrial, to the always growing sex toy industry, 3-D Printing is a great investment.  And If it goes bust, you can 3-D Print yourself a house so you do not need to live in a cardboard box.
  5. Water.  Thanks to global warming and out-of-control capitalism, water may soon be one of the most lucrative resources!
  6. Arms.  Not the body part kind, although, I am having my team of analysts look into that one right now.  The sale of arms should be increasing as long as nations continue to meddle in the affairs of other nations and arm and train rebels who end up becoming terrorists that those nations will then need arms to destroy.  It is a cycle.  A cycle of profit.  Besides, you’ll need the arms to defend your water come the uprising.
  7. Marijuana.  Despite hold outs and misinformed votes in places like Ohio, marijuana is going to be legal soon.  Predicted crashes in Colorado never happened, and the states with legal marijuana are making bank.  So are the suppliers.  Of course, they can’t put that money into banks because of stupid federal laws, but they are making bank.
  8. Children’s body armor.  Parents are going to want to know their little Johnny or Cindy has a chance of making it out of third grade when they send them off in the morning.  Body armor will be in regular use for all civilians soon, and children’s body armor is, at this point, an untapped market.
  9. Food.  People gots ta eat.  Invest in food.  As it becomes more and more scarce, your profits will only increase.  Make sure you first invested in water so you can supply yourself and keep expenses down.  The FTC won’t break you up, look at Wireless.
  10. Politicians.  This is the single-best investment you can make.  Try to get a feel for the mood of the 3 or 4% of people who still vote in order to be certain that you don’t dump billions on a candidate who was the establishment favorite but likely stands no chance.  Maybe someone with the last name that rhymes with tush.

*Important notice:  Joshua Wrenn is not a licensed broker, seller, or trader of any securities or anything else.  This is not real investment advice.  Joshua really doesn’t care what you invest in.  Joshua thinks the entire global financial system will collapse in the not-too-distant future and after a period of turmoil a more fair and just society will rise from its ashes provided we have not wiped out life on this planet beforehand.  


Generic Music Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I have accepted a challenge of sorts…it is not formal or anything, from Stephanie over at Stephellaneous.  Check out her blog, because it is damn good.  Damn good.  Like…damn.  Anyway, I was commenting on the fact that I appreciated her variety of taste in music, and how I didn’t usually see that kind of range of appreciation outside of myself.  She took that to mean that I think I have a more varied taste in music than her (which I do, by the way) and basically challenged me to duel.  So I told her it would be on at some point.  That some point is now.

I don’t think the point is to out-obscure the other one, or to punish the other one with badness (unless specifically stated in the Polka Clause of subsection B in the Comments), but to show just how varied our taste in music can be.  That was the original comment I made.  There are so many songs I like in so many different genres, that this can only come out one of two ways.  I win decisively, or we tie.  I will not be defeated.

So here are just some of my favorite things to listen to…in no particular order.

And of course, I have to add this, but only because I play drums on it.

Okay, that is round 1. Plenty more where that came from. It’s on!

And So It Begins

Hello dear reader(s)!

Now that Thanksgiving has passed I have effectively cleared my social calendar and am about to really begin the preparations for moving in a week, week and a half or so.  (Depending on weather and road conditions.)  It will be a difficult job, filled with difficulties and jobs, but it will be one that I am certain I can overcome with grace and style because that is how I do.  Yes, I just said that is how I do.  Sorry.

Anyway, I will still try to be active here on the Presser of the Words, but you may not see me around as much because the real world shit I have to do is encroaching on my cyber life.  Damn real world.

I have a long way to go and a short time to get there, as Jerry Reid might say.  He was the Snowman you know.

The biggest problem with this whole moving thing is that this cold is kicking my ass.  So I am going to kill it in self-defense.  But I need it to die quickly, even though I would rather watch it suffer the same way it is torturing me.  I might have to go and pick up some real, actual Sudafed and put my Driver’s License number into the database so they can make sure I’m not going all Walter White on their asses.

I have to get in touch with people about taking some of this furniture, and I have to get a lot of stuff donated and into sealed storage tubs.  All while I can barely breathe, have to blow my nose every five seconds, and the left side of my head feels like it is going to pop.

Did any of you participate in the insanity that is Black Friday shopping?  The ode to our consume at all costs economy?

To everyone I know working retail, you have my deepest sympathies.  But if you operate on commission, may today make it so you don’t really have to try for the rest of the year.

Short post for now, because I have to get going on the day, and I can’t when I’m sitting here on WordPress.

I ask that all of you have a good and safe weekend, I will be checking in and reading from time to time.  May all the blessings of the season fall upon you but not so fast that they cause pain or injury.  If you are injured, you may want to stay off the blessing field a little longer this time to make sure you do not re-fracture your fragile clavicle when the blessings fall on  you.

If you believe in any Gods or Goddesses, or just believe that healing energy can be sent through the universe, I ask that you assist me with my sinuses.  In return, I will write better content.

Peace be with you.  And also with you.  But not you.  You’re a jackass.

How To Ruin Thanksgiving

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today is the wonderful day of Thanksgiving here in my country which basically means a lot of people eating too much food and probably drinking a bit too much while having uncomfortable or forced conversations as they slowly decide they hate themselves for how much they have decided to eat.

For me, I am doing this with friends, which means it should be a lot less forced and uncomfortable.  I also have a major cold that will make the conversations regularly interrupted by nose-blowing and hand-sanitizing.

Most people don’t want to ruin their Thanksgiving. They want a happy occasion filled with family and friends; food and fun.  They want to avoid as much awkward conversation as they can and instead make positive memories that will remind them of all they have to be thankful for.  But where is the fun in that?  Are those memories really going to make the best stories?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So what is there to do?  You do not want everyone in your circle of family and friends to hate you, but you need a memorable and crazy story to tell.  Never fear my dear reader(s), because I have just the solution for you.  I will show you how to ruin Thanksgiving, without ruining relationships.

At least not all of them.  Probably.  Well, maybe.

  1. Show up nearly or fully naked, and already drunk.  The second part is key.  You must seem already drunk in order to pull off the nakedness.  If you just show up naked, then you’ll be turned away.  But if you show up drunk and naked, you might still be turned away, but chances are they will just be worried about you and let you in, given your condition.
  2. If you were supposed to bring something, bring something else.  Don’t show up with nothing, because that would be rude.  Just bring the wrong thing.  Like if you were to bring the stuffing, bring mashed potatoes.  Instant, still in the box.
  3. Ask every couple, regardless of age, when they are having children.  Ask every single person when they are getting a girlfriend/boyfriend.  Even at the kids table.  Discomfort, like anything at Thanksgiving, should be shared.
  4. Hit on everyone who isn’t related to you, or is distantly related.  If called out on it, just throw a fit and tell them they don’t understand what it is like to be alone at the holidays and they cannot judge you.  WARNING:  Do not hit on the other completely intoxicated distant relative as you really don’t want to end up doing even distant incest.  
  5. Ask everyone what they’re thankful for that year.  Over and over again.  Interrupt their answer to ask again.
  6. If the turkey is still cooking while you are there, just wait until nobody is looking and open the oven door.  This will allow the oven temperature to drop so as to delay the feast.  This is good, because it gives you more time to annoy.
  7. Insist on playing football.  Find the biggest hater of sports and make him or her play football with you because it is tradition.  Full contact, hit hard, no concussion checks.
  8. Get way too close to everyone there and ask if they want to do some coke.  Have a bottle of Coca-Cola handy just in case someone says yes.  Then yield to their crazy for the rest of the night.
  9. Tell them you are drawing the Thanksgiving ala Norman Rockwell and bring a sketchpad.  Then draw boobs and penises and show it to them proudly.
  10. Hire a stripper.  You just sit down at the table for your feast.  The bird comes out finally and is looking moist and delicious.  A knock at the door.  “Who could that be?” asks the hostess.  She answers the door and a half-dressed woman comes in dressed in an offensive stereotypical Indian costume that barely covers her vag and begins to play Bon Jovi as she starts with the feathers flinging them at the children’s table.  Sit back, and enjoy the hi-jinx.  When it is revealed you hired her, just tell everyone they don’t know what it is like to be alone during the holidays and they can’t judge you.  It’s a free pass.

Well my dear reader(s), whether you use these amazing tips or not, I hope that you and yours, and theirs, and their friends, and their friends’ brothers’ sisters’ former high school sweethearts all have a very Happy Thanksgiving or whatever day it is in your neck of the woods.

Also, I’m trying hard to stay positive, but unfortunately, I just learned about the latest incident.  I don’t want to write about it and bring down my day, but if you’re interested in hearing about it you can watch the most recent video.

Turkey Photo by M. Rehemtulla

Sick as an Unhealthy Dog

Hello dear reader(s)!

It’s me.

I was wondering if after all these hours you’d like to read

One of my posts, you see?

They say sleep’s supposed to heal ya

But I’m still very sick feeling

Yesterday I woke up with a massive sinus headache.  The kind that makes one whole side of your face hurt right down to your teeth.  I’ve been blowing more out of my nose than Jenna Jameson blew in the prime of her “career”.  I started on the whole DayQuil regiment but it didn’t really seem to help all that much.  Then at about 9 I tried to go to bed.  It hurt way too much to sleep.  So I took the NyQuil.  I woke up to feed the cats at about 7, and then I took more.

Now it’s almost 4pm.  My head still hurts, but not as bad.  Am I winning, or is this just a lull in the fighting?  I have dispatched my reconnaissance planes but so far we don’t really have concrete information as to the status on the ground.

So now I’m just trying to feel somewhat better for Thanksgiving tomorrow.  At least I know one of the other people there has a cold too, so I can’t be 100% blamed if someone else gets sick.

I don’t have much to say, but just thought I’d check in and let everyone know I haven’t quit with the blog-type-thinging.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving if it is that where you are.  If not, I hope you all have a wonderful day.



The Last Day

When Obama punched Davutoglu, his guards reached for their weapons.  Before they could draw, the Secret Service already had their weapons to the heads of the Turkish guards.  President Obama stood over the downed Prime Minister like Muhammad Ali standing over George Foreman in Manila.

“You fucking assholes got us into this and I don’t give a damn if they were in your airspace!” he shouted.

Russia bombed four sites in Ankara as retaliation for their downed plane and Russian tanks were now rolling into Western Ukraine with Putin feeling emboldened by the lack of response from NATO.  A tactical nuclear weapon had been detonated in a desolate area of Syria to show they would not back down.

President Obama wanted Turkey kicked out of NATO.  He knew he did not have the power to do so, and knew that Article V meant NATO was obligated to respond.  With Russia now feeling it had free reign, it was key for NATO to stop the Russian onslaught.

“All you wanted to do was kill the Kurds anyway, you genocidal fuck!” the President shouted to nobody in particular as his detail ushered him from the room.

When he took his seat on Air Force One, he called for the football.

He approved the command.

SAC relayed the order to the USS Alaska, which reached launch depth in the Black Sea and fired one of its twenty-four Trident II missiles, with 8 warheads at the advancing Russian tanks in Ukraine.  The damage was catastrophic.

Vladimir Putin was in his office when he got the call from his generals.  He did not hesitate.

The Sonar net on the Eastern seaboard caught a Russian Typhoon class off of New York.  SAC sent attack subs and planes in an attempt to destroy it before it could launch.  Simultaneously the order was given to the silos and to all of the submarines in strategic position.  The birds were flying in both directions and there was only minutes remaining for mankind.

He woke up with a horrible sinus headache.  He was concerned over a personal situation.  He was just in a bad mood and didn’t feel like doing much of anything.  He stayed relatively quiet all day with the exception of a few posts on Facebook, and didn’t go out except to get a jug of water.

When he read the Emergency Alert Notification that came through on his cell phone, he started to wonder if he shouldn’t have tried to spend the day doing more.  He didn’t have long to think before he was vaporized.



Reverse Writer’s Block

Hello dear reader(s)!

Have you ever had reverse writer’s block?  Where instead of not knowing what to write, you have about 97 million things you would love to write about if only they wouldn’t be harmful to other people?

This is where I am today.

I could get it out using fiction, but it would be so transparent that I just couldn’t be okay with hitting that “Publish” button.

The things I must say, must be said in private.

Ernest Hemingway once said, “There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

It is one of my favorite quotes.  And it is true.  But I am not certain I want to show anyone my blood right now.  I am sitting here with more to say than I remember ever wanting to, but I do not want to say it.  It isn’t even that I don’t want anyone to see my blood, I am more worried about the people I get my blood on.

The only relevant thing that must be said publicly is this, because it can apply to so many:

There is a difference between
Being wounded and broken
Because wounds can heal
If you don’t hold them open

And this song, that kind of fits my mood.

If you want to fight for your life, I will be the most powerful ally you could imagine.  Just show me you want to survive.