Hello dear reader(s)!
You’ve heard the “early to bed, early to rise” quote from good Ol’ Benny Franky, but I think that guy was an idiot. Going to bed early causes you to miss out on many fun activities that predominantly occur at night. And waking up early…well, that is just torture. Especially with the weather turning colder, why would anyone possibly want to be out and about when there is still frost on their car windows, and they can see their breath?
Doctor’s will tell you that sleeping in isn’t good for you as it upsets your circadian rhythm (different from Canadian rhythm), but doctors also used to promote cigarettes so I think they are just getting paid by big pharma and their seeping pills to pretend that a regular sleep schedule matching what your corporate masters prefer is important to your health. Now, granted, it is important to get enough sleep, but the only reason they want you to do it at certain times is so that you can be another brick in the wall. Another cog in the machine. Another sheep in the herd. Another drone in the middle east.
But I believe it is time to rebel against the oligarchy that would force you to part with the company of a soft bed too early. We must rise up and defend our Josh-given right to extra rest and warm blankets when it is cold. We must break free the shackles that bind us to wandering around in a daze of confusion for the first few hours every day. We must demand to sleep in, anytime we want, unless she has to be to work early and you don’t feel comfortable being in her apartment alone!
To dispel the line of thought pushed by the Franklin-doctor-sleep industrial complex, I have created this handy list for you to refer to when deciding whether or not you want to get out of bed before noon.
- Sleeping in ensures you get enough sleep. If you were out until 3 am, or up until 3 am, and you wake up at 7 am, then you are only getting 4 hours of sleep provided you sleep the entire early morning through. But if you wake up at 11 am, then you have slept another 4 hours and only missed out on the shittiest part of the day.
- Breakfast in bed can be served at anytime during the day. Not only that, but if the person serving it to you does not have breakfast ingredients on hand, many places have all-day breakfast now. Maybe she can pick you up a coffee while she is out.
- The walk-of-shame won’t be seen by as many people. When you are headed back to your place wearing the clothes you left the night before, nobody will notice because they are all at work.
- You won’t have the awkward moment of sitting in front of her apartment the morning after waiting for your windows to defrost. Isn’t it better just to have the awkward moment of not leaving when she clearly wants you to leave but is too nice to say anything after what you did while lying on her down pillow top in her fluffy comforter?
- When you finally do get up you move faster because you are late for things. And moving faster burns more calories. A health benefit the corporate shill doctors don’t want you to know.
- Less chance of hypothermia. If you are in bed, wrapped in a blanket, your chance of dying of hypothermia severely decreases from if you were awake early and accidentally fell into a frozen lake. Tell me again how early to rise is good for you?
- Decreased risk of skin cancer. The less exposure to the sun, the less likely you will get skin cancer. So, the longer you stay in bed, the less chance of skin cancer you have, unless your bed is outside, in which case the hypothermia risk goes up too. Don’t put your bed outside, if you have a choice. It is called sleeping in for a reason.
- Better mental health. Mental health professionals know that the vast majority of people who struggle with a mental illness suffer because they have dealt with too many idiots and evil people who shouldn’t be walking the Earth. By staying in bed, you avoid those evil idiots and your mental well-being naturally increases as a result.
- Less chances of being involved in a violent attack. If the majority of your life is spent in places where other people exist, your chances of being caught in a violent situation is far higher than if the majority of your life is spent in bed.
- Healthier eating habits. The more you sleep the less likely you are to go eat a bunch of really unhealthy food because you’ll be sleeping and it is difficult for most people to eat when they are asleep. (Unless they are on Ambien, in which case I hear it is quite common.) So except for that breakfast in bed she is making for you (Is it ready yet?) you really won’t be taking in very many calories.
Late to bed, even later to rise, makes a good man fucking awesome and I’m not telling lies.
If you would like to learn more about the health benefits of sleeping in, ask someone else because I am going to eat this breakfast and go back to sleep.