Hello dear reader(s)!
If you know anything about me, then it is not a surprise because I am a chronic over-sharer. But that really isn’t the point. You also might know that I believe age is just a number. A number, that just happens to reflect genuine aging. A number, that at a certain point, lets you know how long you can be in one position before your back starts hurting. A number that tells you your increasing chances of becoming hung over. But it is just a number. A highly accurate number reflecting your declining skills and abilities.
As a pubic service to you, my dear reader(s), in a never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain…I will now share with you the signs you are getting older, so that you may recognize them early and begin your fruitless battle against the ever dwindling time you have left on this Earth.
- You have to leave somewhere early to go feed your cats. You would have your friends do it for you, but they are working and saying, “Dude, you don’t understand, I’m with _____!” is no longer enough to persuade them to call in to help a brother out.
- You consider turning down a good-looking college aged woman because you are worried you’ll have nothing in common. I bet she doesn’t even remember the 90’s! I bet she doesn’t remember phones with cords! Or a time before the internet! But look at her! Oh my God, can I keep up with that? Oh, she’s actually down to Earth and an intelligent person with interests beyond her generation. Does that make me creepy? What if I break a hip?
- The only shots you like are shots of espresso. Now, I’ve liked coffee since I was 15 and my 2nd cousin (?) made (not forced, just coerced) me try an iced mocha for the first time in Cleveland, OH. But now I need coffee. And I don’t need or want to drink every single time I go out. Unless that drink is coffee. The older I get, the more I need to be “Breathing deep the darkness that envelops my soul.”*
- You don’t understand the music that is on the radio. By this logic though, with a few exceptions, I would have been old since 1998.
- You get really angry when people speed down your street. And I swear I am going to rip the farter exhaust right off that piece of crap Evo.
- You believe that if someone isn’t relationship material, you are “wasting your time”. Oh sure, she might be a lot of fun, but do I really just want to have fun with someone all of the time? Don’t I really want to move in with her and get into arguments about bills and how I fold things?
- You worry about the impact of social media on society.
- You get mad when your neighbors are playing loud music past 10pm. When I was your age, we only partied that late in dry lake beds and out at Moonrocks! Or Ponds! Or Pyramid! Or…oh…wait, at Becky and Lisa’s. Or Andrew’s that one time his parents were out-of-town. Hmmm. Still, people are trying to sleep!!!!
- There is a chance you might not reach your step goal in a day and you actually have a step goal.
- You think about how eating something might make you feel when deciding if you want to eat it or not.
- Something you eat actually affects how you feel.
- You choose places to go out based on whether or not you’ll be able to hear your friends talking.
- “Netflix and chill” actually sounds better than just telling someone you want to fuck. And you consider making an excuse when someone wants to so that you can just stay home and actually watch Netflix.
- You do daily affirmations. “Come on bro, I got tiger blood.“* “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.“* “I am the way and the truth and the life.“* No, just me?
- Fuel economy is a factor when looking at cars.
- The girl who took your virginity has a kid that is older than you were when you two were together.
- Every time you play hooky from work, you say to yourself, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in while, you could miss it.” * As you tell yourself how bad you are for missing a day without being really sick.
- You actually notice it the next day when you don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep. What? My favorite band is playing a small, secret club show in town tonight, and you have a couple of just 50 tickets? Um, I don’t know. I really need to catch up with my Z’s.
- You don’t enjoy Louie CK’s stand-up, as much as you enjoy his television show.
- You are concerned about someone being offended by your inappropriate Halloween Costume that you are wearing to an Inappropriate Halloween Costume Party on Friday night in case someone sees you in it outside of the party or if you get pulled over. You are seriously considering wrapping up in a blanket on the way there and when you leave your house so the neighbors don’t get offended.
If you have experienced any one of these signs, there is nothing you can do about it. You are getting old. But remember, not everything about getting older is a bad thing. There are plenty of benefits until you are really old, then you are just waiting to die. For a complete list of the benefits of being old, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
5460 Beaumont Center Boulevard
Tampa, FL 33634
*From “Raisins”, the single greatest episode of “South Park” ever.
*Sen, Al Franken, before he was a senator.
*I made this up myself, honest.
*From the motion picture, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, which if you have never seen, means we can’t hang out.