Normally I start my posts with my usual “Hello dear reader(s)” thing, but this matter is far too serious for that. As you know, many people in this world are currently doing without even the most basic necessities. Children are born hungry, and then bombed in hospitals because countries have decided there might be enemies to that country in or nearby said hospital with virtually no actual evidence to justify the murder of those innocent children, doctors, patients, and staff. Sometimes they just starve to death because people are hording too much food and they have none. Sometimes their parents force them into work making our clothes so that the family doesn’t starve, and they die in a factory fire.
But those problems are likely ones that you can’t do anything about. It seems that even your vote for someone who campaigns on a peaceful platform will be betrayed because that candidate is actually someone who is just fine with the murder of poor innocents. If you boycott a company found to be using child labor, they will just claim they didn’t know that bad factory was in their supply chain, cancel the contract of the factory that got caught, and move on to the next. And you can’t force a warlord in another place to keep the distribution of food fair. So this post isn’t about that.
This post is about a problem that is just as serious, and is actually something that you can help with.
That problem, of course, is that my birthday is coming up and it would only be fair for me to have everything I want for my birthday. I deserve it for all of the shit I put up with from you. I mean, really?
Oh sure, you may think this is a waste of your time, money, and resources, but just think of how great it would feel to know that something you did helped one person (me) to be happy. Think of the countless hours you could spend, secure in the knowledge that you made one person’s dreams come true. Think about what I will do to you if you don’t give me what I want. I’m not kidding. I know where you live.
With that in mind, I would like to share with you, my ultimate birthday wish list; so that you can coordinate with other reader(s) to make sure that I get everything on it. Or else. Okay? Thanks!
- Riki Lindhome. Now, don’t go kidnapping her or anything, because that would be wrong. And if there is anything you know about me, it is that I would never do the wrong thing (not including making a joke about hungry innocents starving, being bombed, and then threatening you to get me stuff). Just try to contact her to convince her that I am worthy of her awesomeness and would take her to fine establishments that I could afford provided there was a Groupon and I hadn’t yet spent my money for the month. Let her know I would appreciate her sense of humor and musical abilities like no other man is capable of doing. You could also let her know I would satisfy her in ways she had only previously dreamed about. Those ways being giving her the satisfaction of knowing she is appreciated.
- Enough money to take Riki Lindhome someplace nice. Because we deserve it.
- A cure for my obsessive thoughts about Riki Lindhome. There are only so many videos I can watch before the chafing.
- New tires for the Beastess. You could buy tires for your own vehicle too. It would be like Tom’s. The Beastess needs new shoes. I wouldn’t want to have a blow-out and flip over with Riki Lindhome in the passenger seat. That is a tragedy that America couldn’t endure.
- Banana Nutella Crepes. Just for me. Celebrity crushes do not matter when Banana Nutella Crepes are on the line.
- Lemonade. I’m thirsty right now, and I like it better than other sugary beverages except for my white mochas and pumpkin spice lattes this month.
- A life. It should be obvious by all the above that I have no life.
- B cells. So I can be vaccinated and not worry about the Jenny McCarthy followers out there trying to kill me with their cesspool children that are being raised to believe pseudoscience and will ultimately lead to the destruction of civilization when they start watering their plants with Gatorade. “Electrolytes! It’s what plats crave!“*
- A Samoyed. Must be good with cats. Must have its own space. Must be taken care of by others. Must be available to walk, pet, cuddle with, and play with on demand. You must remove the fur from my clothes.
- A working, safe teleporter. Not only do I want to be able to travel anywhere without dealing with planes, the TSA, the lines, the unwashed masses, and the hours or days that it takes, but I want to do it for free. Besides, Riki tours a lot, I’m sure. I also don’t want to live in LA which is where I would imagine she probably lives due to the fact she is in the entertainment business and all. A teleporter would solve all my problems with the exception of actually managing to get Riki Lindhome to date me.
If you can’t manage to help me out with Riki Lindhome, I will not take vengeance upon thee. I would settle for Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, or Emily Axford.
Remember, a Josh is counting on your generosity. Please help.
*from the motion picture Idiocracy