Normally I start my posts with my usual “Hello dear reader(s)” thing, but this matter is far too serious for that.  As you know, many people in this world are currently doing without even the most basic necessities.  Children are born hungry, and then bombed in hospitals because countries have decided there might be enemies to that country in or nearby said hospital with virtually no actual evidence to justify the murder of those innocent children, doctors, patients, and staff.  Sometimes they just starve to death because people are hording too much food and they have none.  Sometimes their parents force them into work making our clothes so that the family doesn’t starve, and they die in a factory fire.

But those problems are likely ones that you can’t do anything about.  It seems that even your vote for someone who campaigns on a peaceful platform will be betrayed because that candidate is actually someone who is just fine with the murder of poor innocents.  If you boycott a company found to be using child labor, they will just claim they didn’t know that bad factory was in their supply chain, cancel the contract of the factory that got caught, and move on to the next.  And you can’t force a warlord in another place to keep the distribution of food fair.  So this post isn’t about that.

This post is about a problem that is just as serious, and is actually something that you can help with.

That problem, of course, is that my birthday is coming up and it would only be fair for me to have everything I want for my birthday.  I deserve it for all of the shit I put up with from you.  I mean, really?

Oh sure, you may think this is a waste of your time, money, and resources, but just think of how great it would feel to know that something you did helped one person (me) to be happy.  Think of the countless hours you could spend, secure in the knowledge that you made one person’s dreams come true.  Think about what I will do to you if you don’t give me what I want.  I’m not kidding.  I know where you live.

With that in mind, I would like to share with you, my ultimate birthday wish list; so that you can coordinate with other reader(s) to make sure that I get everything on it.  Or else.  Okay?  Thanks!

  1. Riki Lindhome.  Now, don’t go kidnapping her or anything, because that would be wrong.  And if there is anything you know about me, it is that I would never do the wrong thing (not including making a joke about hungry innocents starving, being bombed, and then threatening you to get me stuff).  Just try to contact her to convince her that I am worthy of her awesomeness and would take her to fine establishments that I could afford provided there was a Groupon and I hadn’t yet spent my money for the month.  Let her know I would appreciate her sense of humor and musical abilities like no other man is capable of doing.  You could also let her know I would satisfy her in ways she had only previously dreamed about.  Those ways being giving her the satisfaction of knowing she is appreciated.
  2. Enough money to take Riki Lindhome someplace nice.  Because we deserve it.
  3. A cure for my obsessive thoughts about Riki Lindhome.  There are only so many videos I can watch before the chafing.
  4. New tires for the Beastess.  You could buy tires for your own vehicle too.  It would be like Tom’s.  The Beastess needs new shoes.  I wouldn’t want to have a blow-out and flip over with Riki Lindhome in the passenger seat.  That is a tragedy that America couldn’t endure.
  5. Banana Nutella Crepes.  Just for me.  Celebrity crushes do not matter when Banana Nutella Crepes are on the line.
  6. Lemonade.  I’m thirsty right now, and I like it better than other sugary beverages except for my white mochas and pumpkin spice lattes this month.
  7. A life.  It should be obvious by all the above that I have no life.
  8. B cells.  So I can be vaccinated and not worry about the Jenny McCarthy followers out there trying to kill me with their cesspool children that are being raised to believe pseudoscience and will ultimately lead to the destruction of civilization when they start watering their plants with Gatorade.  “Electrolytes!  It’s what plats crave!“*
  9. A Samoyed.  Must be good with cats.  Must have its own space.  Must be taken care of by others.  Must be available to walk, pet, cuddle with, and play with on demand.  You must remove the fur from my clothes.
  10. A working, safe teleporter.  Not only do I want to be able to travel anywhere without dealing with planes, the TSA, the lines, the unwashed masses, and the hours or days that it takes, but I want to do it for free.  Besides, Riki tours a lot, I’m sure.  I also don’t want to live in LA which is where I would imagine she probably lives due to the fact she is in the entertainment business and all.  A teleporter would solve all my problems with the exception of actually managing to get Riki Lindhome to date me.

If you can’t manage to help me out with Riki Lindhome, I will not take vengeance upon thee.  I would settle for Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, or Emily Axford.

Remember, a Josh is counting on your generosity.  Please help.

*from the motion picture Idiocracy


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

31 thoughts on “URGENT HELP NEEDED”

  1. OK. I will skip over Riki. That is purely your hangup.

    Samoyeds. Eat. Cats. Samoyeds consider cats to be delectable squeaky toys.

    Teleporter. Yes, very good idea. I see the future of 3D printing. Imagine, you could just print yourself (on a sterilized printer, of course) on the other side of the country, or the world, even (but it would have to be India or China, otherwise no printer), and when you wanted to come home you could just print yourself back again. The only problem with this is that you would soon accumulate a whole passel of doppelgangers, who COULD turn into zombies. That’s the risk you take with doppelgangers. BTW, happy birthday, with wishes for good health, money adequate for your NEEDS (you know what I am talking about), and a mate who will bring you happiness for a very long time, in good health. I mentioned HEALTH, right?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. OK, so will you get a white cat, black cat, or a tuxedo cat to go with your fuzzy furball? Just be careful because cat shit is full of nasty germs that you probly want some more B cells to deal with. Or you could get Riki to clean the cat box (ROTFL). I actually like the little dark haired one better. But, you know, de gustibus non disputatem.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have 2 cats already. My dad comes over and cleans the boxes currently until I move. And the Sammy won’t live with me, because I don’t want Sammy fur everywhere. It will just be mine when I want it. Kate is plenty cool, but I prefer Riki.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hope you get your birthday wishes ……I think we all deserve to get our birthday wishes but that doesn’t make them happen.My big 60 is coming up too hope I get my wishes too..I just want to see my family soon. Goodluck Josh.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. How about if I send you a family member of my choice that I can spare since I can’t do the other stuff. She will arrive C.O.D. Be on the lookout for a large box covered in brown paper. It will not be marked fragile.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahh hilarious list! I love Riki Lindhome and lucky for you I was already planning a kidnapping so can send her over later! If you get that teleporter let me know because that could make the shipping part way safer. Assuming it’s not like a teleporter from “The Fly”, and if it IS that then… well… it could make for some interesting new tunes from her at least? More limbs means more guitars right?! Happy Birthday!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. My first two dogs (because we had them together) were a Shepard/Malamute mix and a black lab. I don’t remember them dragging their butt, but I do remember them getting out once and being reported as vicious dogs. When Animal Control arrived, she said she snapped her fingers and they happily walked right into her truck, tails wagging and tongues out. Then she yelled at the people for reporting them as vicious because they definitely were not.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mine are rescues, one from Niagara Falls and the other from a Manhattan high kill shelter. They are my joy😊three years apart but they are best friends…they let me be part of their pack….bed hogs..

        Liked by 1 person

      3. As well they should be. My cats are bed hogs. And they wake me up early for food. All of our animals have been rescues. I couldn’t do the breeder thing when so many need homes. There are even breed specific rescues but usually I’m fine with a mutt. I just love the soft fur and Sammy personality. But I wouldn’t support a breeder.

        Liked by 1 person

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