Hello dear reader(s)!
It has been a while since I did a post about blog-type-thinging, but as a public service, I have decided to impart some of what I have learned over the course of the time I have been semi-consistently posting on this here blog-type-thing in regards to increasing your follower count. Regular reader(s) will know that followers is actually my least favorite of the stat family, with the exception of “Get this man to the OR, stat!” The only stats that matter to me are page views and visitors, because as we all know, someone can follow your blog and never actually come to read any of it. However, since I know some of my dear reader(s) do indeed care about their follower count, I thought I would share the more unusual ways to get more followers.
We’ve all heard to just search blogs that show mild interest using the tags, and follow people, expecting a certain percentage to follow back. We’ve heard of the link-ups and meet and greets. We’ve heard of the Daily Post review thread. We’ve seen the blog award games of tag. All of these are pretty common knowledge and will result in followers. There is no denying the effectiveness of these methods which is why I haven’t employed them for some time except for a meet and greet recently because nobody was reading my story that I liked. It wasn’t even that nobody who read it liked it, they just didn’t read it. So yeah, my feelings were hurt and I broke down and participated in a meet and greet. Is that what you wanted to hear?!?! Why do you have to embarrass me in front of her? You’re not my real parents!
Okay, now that we’ve all taken a deep breath and you’ve apologized for your insensitive words after you made me cry, I think it would be best to just move on, okay? We could sit here and harp on about it until little Diana comes home pregnant so the anger will shift to her, or we can be a family again. Maybe we can even post about ice cream later if you keep up the good behavior. What do you say?
So now that you’ve gone and aired all of our dirty laundry for the world to see (not that they’re looking, there are Kardashians after all), I think it is time to move on to the thrust, gist, point, essence, substance, crux, meat, heart, and central theme of this post which was that
this is why we can’t have nice things there are other more unusual ways to gain followers who may or may not ever visit your blog (or blog-type-thing) again. I know, because I have a direct conduit with the Lord and he has anointed me with this information so that I may lead you to followers.
- Create quality content. We all know that my content speaks for itself which is why I don’t engage in the typical marketing that comes along with my blog. Yes, it is public, but I don’t really engage in some of the ways to let people know it is out there. I just expect them to stumble upon (and you can share this on StumbleUpon) it and see how great my content is and how empty their life would be without it. My content can offer you confidence and depth that is lacking in your day-to-day routine. Work got you down? Fighting with your girlfriend? Home being foreclosed on? Relax, kick off your shoes. Open your WordPress and sit back for the refreshing content of MyFridayBlog. Then share it with a friend. Sure, your life will suck when you’re done reading, but won’t reblogging this and following @MyFridayBlog on Twitter, along with using all of the sharing buttons make things better for just a minute or however long it takes you to read? MyFridayBlog. Strange name…crisp, clear flavor.™
- Participate in challenges. Rather than engaging in the shameless self-promotion of a meet and greet (Yes, we already know I did it, okay? That was a couple of days ago! How long are you going to keep bringing it up? What about that time you were drunk and puked all over Jenny? I can bring up things from the past too! How do you like that? I’m sorry. No, I didn’t mean to make you cry. Please don’t go to your mother’s. We can work it out. Hey, I know someone who wants a new Coach bag. Are we good now? Yeah? Okay, we’ll go shopping in the morning when they open. Come to bed.) you can instead participate in challenges which you can say are for flexing your writing chops (as if you have any, or that there even is a such thing as a writing chop) but you know it will bring people to your blog-type-thing.
- Start a cult. Nothing gets followers like promising young drug addicts eternal peace if they do weird sex stuff with you. Just have an interpretation of the bible almost as odd as right-wing Christians, and you too can have followers. Not only that, but those followers will even do weird sex stuff for you, and if it isn’t illegal, you can even apply for tax-exempt status.
- Run for public office. Donald Trump has proven that no matter how insane your ideas are, how poorly you speak, how xenophobic and fascist you come off; someone is going to follow you. Remember to bad-mouth people and try to pit your followers against their greatest irrational fears. Also, wearing a cat on your head seems to help.
- Have cats and walk around with a long piece of string dangling behind you. You didn’t expect this post to be serious, did you?
Well my dear reader(s), I hope you enjoyed these tips for getting more followers. If you didn’t, you are not right with God and will be punished with four lashes and put into the naughty chamber for ritual sex-based punishments.