Hello dear reader(s)!
Today we are pleased to bring back Joshua Wrenn, GED to assist our dear reader(s) in their relationship or lack of relationship issues. As regular reader(s) (Hi mom!) of this blog-type-thing will know, Joshua is the foremost expert on relationships, an honor confirmed by the voices in his head. Joshua’s advice has assisted literal one(s) of reader(s) with relationship issues and we are honored in having him back for more amazing advice. Let’s get right to it.
Josh: So, welcome back Joshua. I understand today you have some brand new techniques in the world of successfully navigating the pitfalls and other body part falls of relationships.
Joshua: Yep. Not just the pits.
Josh: Sounds fascinating. What specifically are you going to help our dear reader(s) with this time around?
Joshua: I’m going to help them learn how not to get over someone. Ever.
Josh: Okay, hold on. How NEVER to get over someone?
Joshua: Yes, that is what I said, you just changed the order of the words. It means the same thing. You can look it up if you don’t believe me.
Josh: No, I believe you. I know it means the same. I’m just confused as to why our dear reader(s) would want to never get over someone. If you like someone, and you can’t have that person for whatever reason, don’t you want to get over them in order to be happy?
Joshua: No. Well, to be happy, yes; but you get far more attention if you appear to be the tortured romantic soul pining for someone. You will also instantly attract the fixers.
Joshua: Yes, fixers. Fixers are the people who are waiting for someone with a broken heart or low self-esteem that they can then fix. It is subconsciously attractive to these people to appear as though you are so hung-up on someone else that you could never offer them a healthy relationship. In addition, it provides a sense of being emotionally unavailable which is always a turn on to those who still do not know what they want.
Josh: I see, sounds great! And you’re going to explain to our dear reader(s) how to show that they aren’t over someone so that these fixers try to get with them?
Joshua: Not only that, but I will show them how to not get over someone for real. You do not want to be inauthentic in your pining, so I will explain how to actually not get over someone, and even bring up past feelings to work off of in case you were once over someone.
Josh: That is wonderful. Okay Joshua, you have the con.
Hello dear reader(s) of Josh’s blog-type-thing. I am self-proclaimed relationship expert and Life Coach, Joshua Wrenn, GED. Before I get started on showing you how to never get over someone, I’d like to first explain the science behind these tips.
You see, scientists in Stockholm, NM were shoving baby carrots up rats asses because they were bored one day, and discovered an amazing fact. When the rats appeared wounded by the size of the carrots, they would be paid more attention. Certain rats “Fixers” would seem to instantly care for the wounded rats, and eventually, after these rats would lick the anuses of the wounded rats, the rats would develop a bond that occasionally (specifically after the rat rimjobs) would lead to procreation. After a month and a half of this, they noticed the rats that had not had carrots shoved up their asses, were attempting to self-inflict anal wounds upon themselves in order to be found more attractive to the fixer rats. Eventually, after applying for and receiving a $50,000,000 grant from the federal government, they conducted more studies including exchanging baby carrots for broken pencils. The results were the same. After 7 years of studies involving brutal insertion of objects into the asses of the rats, they moved on to see if other types of damage would still attract the fixers. They found that only the anal damage guaranteed the attention of the fixers…until they started emotionally damaging the rats. They would try catfishing, gaslighting, and ghosting the rats. They were surprised to learn (that except for the lack of rat rimjobs) that the emotionally damaged rats received the same attention from the fixers.
It is my pleasure to show you how you too can be emotionally damaged and get attention from the fixers.
- Get a Facebook and litter your friends’ feeds with quotes like… “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” And, “Never make someone a priority who is only willing to make you an option.” Then throw in something about how it is good to be alone followed right up by something about being with someone who wants to know how your day was.
- Make sure you are Facebook friends with the person you are not over. Make sure you follow them and have them available on chat too, because it is important for you to know what they are doing that doesn’t involve you and when they are on Facebook ignoring you.
- Continually compare how happy you were when they were in your life versus the present, and if you find that you are happier now, start convincing yourself it is an act. Maybe things are better now, and you are more successful and everything is great. It doesn’t matter, only that one person and their games and drama can make you feel whole. You are not complete without them.
- If you have thrown out your pictures of that person, screenshot their pictures from their Facebook onto your phone. Then set those pictures as your wallpaper and screensaver.
- Imagine a utopian future with that person, whenever you get the chance. Hint at it in Vaguebook posts so your other friends will know your pain. Because that is the point. You want attention.
Once you have followed these steps, I guarantee you are not getting over anyone anytime soon. You’ll have all the attention from the fixers that you could ever imagine. And if you send a check for the low, low price of $5,000 + S&H, I’ll show you how to then get over the person again so you can concentrate on hooking up with the fixers instead of spiraling down into a long depression that ultimately results in stalking charges or suicide. Act now!