I Keep Forgetting

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night my beloved Hannah visited me in a dream.  We were talking and she stopped and told me she needed to look at her phone.  She pulled out a golden phone and looked at it for a moment.

“Your post just came in.  Have you forgotten everything?”

I asked her what she was talking about, and she showed me her phone and she was looking at my post from yesterday evening about the scary search terms.  I instantly felt ashamed.

Hannah loved that I wrote and what I wrote.  Hannah loved that I was not afraid of speaking my mind, even when she didn’t necessarily agree with what I would say.  (Though she usually did.)  She thought I was strong,  And with her I was.  But it had been hard to be strong after she passed.  Hannah and I were a strong team.  But something else clicked during that short little dream.  I had to be really strong to even have such an amazing person in my life.  I had to be strong to keep fighting for her when I wanted to give up.  I had to be strong to be willing to talk to her about what was going on.  And I had to be strong when my world came crashing down as we realized the gravity of her situation.  I had to be strong not to shoot myself or jump off the nearest parking garage or overdose on all the pills I have to take anyway and were sitting right on the table when those thoughts entered my head.

I beat cancer.  Yes, with help, but fuck that, I did it.  And then I beat the complications.  And then I beat the suicidal thoughts when the person I beat those things for took an extremely unexpected turn and left this world with me in trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing here.

I keep forgetting not to be scared.  I keep forgetting to live.  I keep forgetting that I love to write, I love to communicate, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be told by anyone that I shouldn’t do that.  You don’t fucking like what I have to say?  Move along then.  You don’t have to read it.

I’m going to die sometime.  If I go out trying to stand up for being able to say what I feel then I go out a hero.  What a way to go.

I have no personal beefs (yes, I hate that word too) with anyone anymore.  You have a problem with me?  That is on you.

There is no way in hell that I’m going to be run off from doing one of the few things I still love to do.  No fucking chance.  I don’t give a rat’s fuck if I end up writing my thoughts down on the wall of the cardboard box I end up living in.  I will NEVER stop expressing myself.  I will never end up living like a fucking drone.  NEVER.

I’ve been through too much in my life to be afraid.  I’ve been through too much in my life to stop trying to live.  I don’t need anyone telling me how it should be done.  You can tell me how to live my life when you have been here.  And I knew real, pure, beautiful love.  So if I’m to go anytime soon, I lived a fulfilling life, even if it was too short.  I keep forgetting I’m not afraid.  I keep forgetting I don’t have a hell of a lot left to lose.

That being said, I am likely looking to move (because there really isn’t anything for me here) and will not even disclose my region once I do.  (Because why invite it?)  If whoever is looking for me in the meantime finds me and comes after me, so be it.  I’ll go out fighting though, and I am pretty strong.  Hannah told me so.

So, if you have an issue with me, I really feel bad for you.  You need a hobby.  Reading into my words and searching for the few things I don’t say publicly is really sad.

But I’m not taking this blog down.  I’m not going to stop posting on social media.  If I offend anyone, it isn’t my intention, but it’ll likely happen at some point.  Try not to take it personally.  If I personally attack you, you probably attacked me, but I’ll likely apologize and try to make things right because I know that isn’t right.  (Like I have done with someone else recently.)

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very hard lifeSkills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave me alone now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I still won’t look for you.  And maybe you’ll find me.  And maybe you’ll kill me, but I might just kill you.” *  🙂

*Most of that is the famous Taken speech.  The Underlined parts I changed.  Parody.  Look it up.  

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

10 thoughts on “I Keep Forgetting”

  1. Glad to hear that Hannah made you see the reasons to stay in the virtual world.

    When I do move, I also don’t plan to tell a lot of people, but I also will likely change my name too.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Good to hear it, good to hear it. Sometimes when you possess a strong, clear voice, people are drawn to you because they kind of wish they were you… and aren’t. There are plenty of us who are just glad to have found you sailing this virtual sea. Keep up the great work, my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

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