Hello dear reader(s)!
Last night my beloved Hannah visited me in a dream. We were talking and she stopped and told me she needed to look at her phone. She pulled out a golden phone and looked at it for a moment.
“Your post just came in. Have you forgotten everything?”
I asked her what she was talking about, and she showed me her phone and she was looking at my post from yesterday evening about the scary search terms. I instantly felt ashamed.
Hannah loved that I wrote and what I wrote. Hannah loved that I was not afraid of speaking my mind, even when she didn’t necessarily agree with what I would say. (Though she usually did.) She thought I was strong, And with her I was. But it had been hard to be strong after she passed. Hannah and I were a strong team. But something else clicked during that short little dream. I had to be really strong to even have such an amazing person in my life. I had to be strong to keep fighting for her when I wanted to give up. I had to be strong to be willing to talk to her about what was going on. And I had to be strong when my world came crashing down as we realized the gravity of her situation. I had to be strong not to shoot myself or jump off the nearest parking garage or overdose on all the pills I have to take anyway and were sitting right on the table when those thoughts entered my head.
I beat cancer. Yes, with help, but fuck that, I did it. And then I beat the complications. And then I beat the suicidal thoughts when the person I beat those things for took an extremely unexpected turn and left this world with me in trying to figure out what the fuck I’m doing here.
I keep forgetting not to be scared. I keep forgetting to live. I keep forgetting that I love to write, I love to communicate, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be told by anyone that I shouldn’t do that. You don’t fucking like what I have to say? Move along then. You don’t have to read it.
I’m going to die sometime. If I go out trying to stand up for being able to say what I feel then I go out a hero. What a way to go.
I have no personal beefs (yes, I hate that word too) with anyone anymore. You have a problem with me? That is on you.
There is no way in hell that I’m going to be run off from doing one of the few things I still love to do. No fucking chance. I don’t give a rat’s fuck if I end up writing my thoughts down on the wall of the cardboard box I end up living in. I will NEVER stop expressing myself. I will never end up living like a fucking drone. NEVER.
I’ve been through too much in my life to be afraid. I’ve been through too much in my life to stop trying to live. I don’t need anyone telling me how it should be done. You can tell me how to live my life when you have been here. And I knew real, pure, beautiful love. So if I’m to go anytime soon, I lived a fulfilling life, even if it was too short. I keep forgetting I’m not afraid. I keep forgetting I don’t have a hell of a lot left to lose.
That being said, I am likely looking to move (because there really isn’t anything for me here) and will not even disclose my region once I do. (Because why invite it?) If whoever is looking for me in the meantime finds me and comes after me, so be it. I’ll go out fighting though, and I am pretty strong. Hannah told me so.
So, if you have an issue with me, I really feel bad for you. You need a hobby. Reading into my words and searching for the few things I don’t say publicly is really sad.
But I’m not taking this blog down. I’m not going to stop posting on social media. If I offend anyone, it isn’t my intention, but it’ll likely happen at some point. Try not to take it personally. If I personally attack you, you probably attacked me, but I’ll likely apologize and try to make things right because I know that isn’t right. (Like I have done with someone else recently.)
“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very hard life. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave me alone now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I still won’t look for you. And maybe you’ll find me. And maybe you’ll kill me, but I might just kill you.” * 🙂
*Most of that is the famous Taken speech. The Underlined parts I changed. Parody. Look it up.