Happy Halloween!

Hello dear reader(s)!

Just a short post today to wish everyone a Happy Halloween.

In the shadows
The monster lurks
Ready to get candy
Being a monster has its perks

My pumpkin last year
My pumpkin last year
Advertisements

Nine O’ Clock

He knew his phone would ring within fifteen minutes of nine.  She had been making a habit of it for quite a while now.  It was every few days at first, but since he gave into her advances she started calling every night.  It was as if she knew when his loneliness would peak.  She was a master at playing off of it.

He made it clear to her that he was not interested in getting involved.  That was months ago.  She seemed to accept it and they agreed to remain just friends.  They went out occasionally, but kept things innocent.  There were moments when the tension would be evident, but both of them were skilled at changing the subject and not giving in.

It isn’t as if he wasn’t attracted to her.  Her dark hair, and intense eyes would make any man recognize her beauty.  Her smile was infectious, and her style was a mixture of girl next door and burlesque dancer.  Her tattoos were artful and understated, and even her little ear gauges seemed to accentuate and not detract from her natural beauty.  She was also intelligent and very mature for her age.

But there it was, her age.  She was fifteen years his junior.  That put her outside his acceptable “half his age plus seven” rule by two years.  The first time he had sex, she wasn’t born.  How could he even consider her?

She didn’t care about age.  She hated the guys in her age range.  Everything to them was about a party, and she wanted to have a real connection with someone.  When she found it in him, she decided that he could be ninety, and she’d still want to be with him.  She didn’t feel like she was twenty-three.  She didn’t think of him as nearly forty.

He, on the other hand, could not get past it.  Every time he thought about her as a sexual being, he felt like he needed to shower afterward.  Despite the fact that she was technically an adult, he just felt like a creep.

She had a few friends over at her apartment on Monday night, and invited him.  After a few drinks and a few rounds of Mario Kart, her friends left and it was just the two of them.  She asked him if he wanted another drink, but he declined.  She made a joke about not being able to take advantage of him, but he got the sense she wasn’t joking.  As he got up from her couch to leave, she pushed him back down and he smacked his head on the corner of the wall behind it.  He reached back to feel the bump and felt a small amount of blood.

When he pulled his hand out from behind his head, she saw the blood on his fingers.  Her laughter turned to tears as she realized what she had done.  She told him to stay seated and she would get some ice, as she ran across her apartment’s tiny living room into her kitchen.  The open design allowed him to watch her as she grabbed a towel and some ice.  He saw the tears streaming down her face and her shaking hands.

“It’s okay,” he said in as comforting a tone as the pain would allow.  “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me,” he offered.

She returned with ice and told him to lean forward.  He did so and she wrapped her arm around his head and held the ice to it.  His face was over her shoulder when he noticed how close he was.

She pulled the ice away and looked at the towel, noticing there was hardly any blood on it.  She returned the ice to his head and inched even closer to him.  Their cheeks brushed as she leaned in.  Before he had time to react, she was kissing his neck.

He gave in.  Months of forbidden attraction had finally gotten the better of him.  He didn’t say anything as he pulled her face away from his neck, and toward his mouth.  The ice crashed onto the floor behind the couch as they passionately kissed and tore at each other’s clothes.  She stopped kissing him.  He looked at her confused.

“Should we stop?” he asked her.

“No, I just wanted to tell you to be gentle at first.  I’ve never done this before.”

She didn’t give him time to reconsider based on what she had said before she was lowering herself onto his lap.  The sex was amazing, and he couldn’t believe it was her first time.

He stayed with her for a few hours, before the regret kicked in.  He told her that he thought they made a mistake and he didn’t want to complicate their friendship as he left to drive home.

She called him again on Tuesday, but he was out with women closer to his age.  As he talked with the jaded women who were all looking for some perfect fictional billionaire, he thought that maybe he was making a mistake by letting age be a factor.

She called him on Wednesday, and he gave in again.  He drove to her apartment where they had incredible sex and he stayed.  He went home the next morning, convinced his stupid age rule was something he wouldn’t worry about again.  He was looking forward to her call that night.

And at nine o’ clock, the phone rang.

He answered right away when he saw her number.

“Hello beautiful!” he answered.

“Why don’t you come over?” she purred into the phone.

When he arrived and knocked on the door, she called that she was getting ready and just to come inside.  He walked into the living room and the couch where they had first been together was gone, replaced by a table and two chairs.  At one of the chairs was a familiar looking man.

“Stephen.  I’m Chris Hansen, why don’t you take a seat over there?”

Stephen awoke from his nightmare with her lying in his arms.  As she slept, he reached into her purse and checked her ID.

Disconnecting

You don’t read me anymore
The final step in the fade
The last ruthless move
In the game that you played
You don’t know me anymore
Attempts met your apathy
Burying me in self-doubt
As you continue happily

Would have been different
If I had a chance
Or fell victim
To circumstance
Would have been better
If I was respected
And given a reason
Why you disconnected

We don’t speak anymore
The silence is deafening
The thoughts you created
Are getting unsettling
You don’t breathe anymore
You were unsuspecting
As I sever your spine
Your nerves disconnecting

Why Sleeping In Is Good For You

Hello dear reader(s)!

You’ve heard the “early to bed, early to rise” quote from good Ol’ Benny Franky, but I think that guy was an idiot.  Going to bed early causes you to miss out on many fun activities that predominantly occur at night.  And waking up early…well, that is just torture.  Especially with the weather turning colder, why would anyone possibly want to be out and about when there is still frost on their car windows, and they can see their breath?

Doctor’s will tell you that sleeping in isn’t good for you as it upsets your circadian rhythm (different from Canadian rhythm), but doctors also used to promote cigarettes so I think they are just getting paid by big pharma and their seeping pills to pretend that a regular sleep schedule matching what your corporate masters prefer is important to your health.  Now, granted, it is important to get enough sleep, but the only reason they want you to do it at certain times is so that you can be another brick in the wall.  Another cog in the machine.  Another sheep in the herd.  Another drone in the middle east.

But I believe it is time to rebel against the oligarchy that would force you to part with the company of a soft bed too early.  We must rise up and defend our Josh-given right to extra rest and warm blankets when it is cold.  We must break free the shackles that bind us to wandering around in a daze of confusion for the first few hours every day.  We must demand to sleep in, anytime we want, unless she has to be to work early and you don’t feel comfortable being in her apartment alone!

To dispel the line of thought pushed by the Franklin-doctor-sleep industrial complex, I have created this handy list for you to refer to when deciding whether or not you want to get out of bed before noon.

  • Sleeping in ensures you get enough sleep.  If you were out until 3 am, or up until 3 am, and you wake up at 7 am, then you are only getting 4 hours of sleep provided you sleep the entire early morning through.  But if you wake up at 11 am, then you have slept another 4 hours and only missed out on the shittiest part of the day.
  • Breakfast in bed can be served at anytime during the day.  Not only that, but if the person serving it to you does not have breakfast ingredients on hand, many places have all-day breakfast now.  Maybe she can pick you up a coffee while she is out.
  • The walk-of-shame won’t be seen by as many people.  When you are headed back to your place wearing the clothes you left the night before, nobody will notice because they are all at work.
  • You won’t have the awkward moment of sitting in front of her apartment the morning after waiting for your windows to defrost.  Isn’t it better just to have the awkward moment of not leaving when she clearly wants you to leave but is too nice to say anything after what you did while lying on her down pillow top in her fluffy comforter?
  • When you finally do get up you move faster because you are late for things.  And moving faster burns more calories.  A health benefit the corporate shill doctors don’t want you to know.
  • Less chance of hypothermia.  If you are in bed, wrapped in a blanket, your chance of dying of hypothermia severely decreases from if you were awake early and accidentally fell into a frozen lake.  Tell me again how early to rise is good for you?
  • Decreased risk of skin cancer.  The less exposure to the sun, the less likely you will get skin cancer.  So, the longer you stay in bed, the less chance of skin cancer you have, unless your bed is outside, in which case the hypothermia risk goes up too.  Don’t put your bed outside, if you have a choice.  It is called sleeping in for a reason.
  • Better mental health.  Mental health professionals know that the vast majority of people who struggle with a mental illness suffer because they have dealt with too many idiots and evil people who shouldn’t be walking the Earth.  By staying in bed, you avoid those evil idiots and your mental well-being naturally increases as a result.
  • Less chances of being involved in a violent attack.  If the majority of your life is spent in places where other people exist, your chances of being caught in a violent situation is far higher than if the majority of your life is spent in bed.
  • Healthier eating habits.  The more you sleep the less likely you are to go eat a bunch of really unhealthy food because you’ll be sleeping and it is difficult for most people to eat when they are asleep.  (Unless they are on Ambien, in which case I hear it is quite common.)  So except for that breakfast in bed she is making for you (Is it ready yet?) you really won’t be taking in very many calories.

Late to bed, even later to rise, makes a good man fucking awesome and I’m not telling lies.

If you would like to learn more about the health benefits of sleeping in, ask someone else because I am going to eat this breakfast and go back to sleep.

Monster Meet and Greet Mash

It’s a blog party! All of the party, without those pesky noise complaints, drunken brawls, and vomit to clean up! Go check it out, and all the links. Meet new blogs, get off the wall and mingle!

yadadarcyyada

1halloween84I was working
on my blog,
late one night
When my eyes
beheld
an eerie sight
For my post
from its slab,
began to rise
And suddenly
to my surprise
It did the mash,
it did the Monster Meet and Greet Mash!
A monster blogger mash, it was a graveyard smash!
It did the mash, it caught on in a flash…
It did the mash, it did the monster blog mash!
The zombies and bloggers were having fun,
The blog party had just begun…
The scene was rockin’, we were digging the shares,
Some were commenting, well, those who dared
So add your link and des-
crypt-ion, girls and guys,
Then suddenly to your surprise…
You can mash, you can monster blogger mash!

1halloween86

While I often say the best part of blogging is ‘meeting’ other bloggers, readers, etc., it’s been too long since we hung together, so welcome to…

View original post 423 more words

Good From The Bad

Hello dear reader(s)!

When you’ve been through what I have, or any bad thing (because the severity of my issues does not invalidate the reality of yours), you have to do your absolute best to take the good from the bad.  To see the beauty in the ugliness, the light in the darkness, the cream cheese in the bagel (wait, that doesn’t work because I like bagels AND cream cheese)…well, you get the point.  Life is going to do its best to beat you down sometimes, and sometimes the only thing you can do is take pride in the fact you landed a punch or two before you fell.  Finding the good in the bad is the only way you can face major tragedies and still believe that life on this planet is worth living.  Even with less tragic, but still bad moments, you have to take the good from the bad.  And so it was with last night.

My friend hosts an open mic night at this small pub I have wanted to go to but for various reasons I have never been able to make.  I usually have game night on Tuesday nights, so there was one reason.  When I haven’t had game night, I’ve been too sick to go anywhere.  But I was excited to go, because it would be the sort of people I could stand to be around (not club people), the crowd wouldn’t be so large I would have to worry about my low immunity, and it wouldn’t be so loud with no escape if it got that way.  So when game night was cancelled last night, I decided I would try to go.  My stomach was bothering me all day, but I decided to fight through it.

We arrived at the pub and everything was great.  We listened to some of the music and hung out on the patio or down by the fire pit, but could still hear everything and it was all really good.  I talked with my friend who was hosting (and playing a few times during) the event, and talked with his mom who is my mom’s best friend from when they were kids.  Then another one of my friends showed up and I talked with her for just a second before she had to leave.  I met a couple of new people and that seemed fine.  At first.

But it wasn’t fine.  It was more of the same old thing in this town.  I started talking with someone who caught my eye, and she casually dropped that she worked with people who suffered with cancer.  Thinking it was coincidental, I told her how cool that it is being a survivor myself and was hoping to move the conversation forward.  Only it wasn’t coincidental she brought it up.  She had already been told all of the things that had happened to me in the past few years.  It seems my reputation had once again preceded me.  The next thing I know, we’re talking about all of this crap that I really didn’t feel like talking about when I was just trying to go out and have fun.  She is crying by the end of our conversation (not my stuff, I barely said a word about it, but hers because I guess she related) and I realize that any hope I had to be seen as something other than a tragic figure was out the window before I ever even opened my mouth.  So when she got up, I just let her go without trying to make plans to talk with her again.

A while later, I was talking with someone else and she also knew what happened to me as soon as I said my name.  There is nothing worse than saying, “Hi, I’m Josh,” to someone and they respond with, “I know.  I’m so sorry about everything you’ve been through.”

Fucking seriously?

“Hi, I’m Josh, I’m a fun person and a really genuine guy who was kind of interested in getting to know you better but you are only capable of seeing me as a victim.  Take care.”

And it isn’t like I would keep my past hidden, I would just like the opportunity to introduce it on my timeline.  In another setting.  After I got to know that person a little better and they got to see who I was as a person as opposed to a story.

However, there was some good in all of that.

I have been second guessing wanting to leave town because of some of the better friends I have here.  Even though I definitely need to leave my house and don’t like the area, in the back of my mind, the question of whether or not moving away was the best option was swirling around.  Not anymore.  No doubts at all, and that is a good thing.

Another good thing to come from this is I heard another songwriter with a voice that was even worse than mine, but he was up there singing his song which was quite good once you got past the singing, and he was doing it.  Nobody was laughing or shaking their heads, but they were listening to the song he wrote.  So I decided to sing in two weeks.  (I want to practice.)

The last good thing to come from it is that I was planning on doing a song I wrote years ago, that I have been retooling every once in a while.  But when I got home, I was so frustrated by everything, that I ended up writing a brand new song which I love, and I will be doing that song instead.

I will have a friend take a video of it, and if I view it and don’t Peter Brady too many times or otherwise suck, I will post it for you.

So yeah, last night was kind of shitty, but it was also kind of great.  Hopefully I play and sing this song all the way through as well as I did with each part as I wrote it.

Wish me luck!

20 Signs You Are Getting Older

Hello dear reader(s)!

If you know anything about me, then it is not a surprise because I am a chronic over-sharer.  But that really isn’t the point.  You also might know that I believe age is just a number.  A number, that just happens to reflect genuine aging.  A number, that at a certain point, lets you know how long you can be in one position before your back starts hurting.  A number that tells you your increasing chances of becoming hung over.  But it is just a number.  A highly accurate number reflecting your declining skills and abilities.

As a pubic service to you, my dear reader(s), in a never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain…I will now share with you the signs you are getting older, so that you may recognize them early and begin your fruitless battle against the ever dwindling time you have left on this Earth.

  1. You have to leave somewhere early to go feed your cats.  You would have your friends do it for you, but they are working and saying, “Dude, you don’t understand, I’m with _____!” is no longer enough to persuade them to call in to help a brother out.
  2. You consider turning down a good-looking college aged woman because you are worried you’ll have nothing in common.  I bet she doesn’t even remember the 90’s!  I bet she doesn’t remember phones with cords!  Or a time before the internet!  But look at her!  Oh my God, can I keep up with that?  Oh, she’s actually down to Earth and an intelligent person with interests beyond her generation.  Does that make me creepy?  What if I break a hip?
  3. The only shots you like are shots of espresso.  Now, I’ve liked coffee since I was 15 and my 2nd cousin (?) made (not forced, just coerced) me try an iced mocha for the first time in Cleveland, OH.  But now I need coffee.  And I don’t need or want to drink every single time I go out.  Unless that drink is coffee.  The older I get, the more I need to be “Breathing deep the darkness that envelops my soul.”*
  4. You don’t understand the music that is on the radio.  By this logic though, with a few exceptions, I would have been old since 1998.
  5. You get really angry when people speed down your street.  And I swear I am going to rip the farter exhaust right off that piece of crap Evo.
  6. You believe that if someone isn’t relationship material, you are “wasting your time”.  Oh sure, she might be a lot of fun, but do I really just want to have fun with someone all of the time?  Don’t I really want to move in with her and get into arguments about bills and how I fold things?
  7. You worry about the impact of social media on society.
  8. You get mad when your neighbors are playing loud music past 10pm.  When I was your age, we only partied that late in dry lake beds and out at Moonrocks!  Or Ponds!  Or Pyramid!  Or…oh…wait, at Becky and Lisa’s.  Or Andrew’s that one time his parents were out-of-town.  Hmmm.  Still, people are trying to sleep!!!!
  9. There is a chance you might not reach your step goal in a day and you actually have a step goal.
  10. You think about how eating something might make you feel when deciding if you want to eat it or not.  
  11. Something you eat actually affects how you feel.  
  12. You choose places to go out based on whether or not you’ll be able to hear your friends talking.  
  13. “Netflix and chill” actually sounds better than just telling someone you want to fuck.  And you consider making an excuse when someone wants to so that you can just stay home and actually watch Netflix.
  14. You do daily affirmations.  Come on bro, I got tiger blood.“*  “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.“*  “I am the way and the truth and the life.“*  No, just me?
  15. Fuel economy is a factor when looking at cars.  
  16. The girl who took your virginity has a kid that is older than you were when you two were together.  
  17. Every time you play hooky from work, you say to yourself, “Life moves pretty fast.  If you don’t stop and look around every once in while, you could miss it.” * As you tell yourself how bad you are for missing a day without being really sick.
  18. You actually notice it the next day when you don’t get at least 6 hours of sleep.  What?  My favorite band is playing a small, secret club show in town tonight, and you have a couple of just 50 tickets?  Um, I don’t know.  I really need to catch up with my Z’s.
  19. You don’t enjoy Louie CK’s stand-up, as much as you enjoy his television show.  
  20. You are concerned about someone being offended by your inappropriate Halloween Costume that you are wearing to an Inappropriate Halloween Costume Party on Friday night in case someone sees you in it outside of the party or if you get pulled over.  You are seriously considering wrapping up in a blanket on the way there and when you leave your house so the neighbors don’t get offended.

If you have experienced any one of these signs, there is nothing you can do about it.  You are getting old.  But remember, not everything about getting older is a bad thing.  There are plenty of benefits until you are really old, then you are just waiting to die.  For a complete list of the benefits of being old, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to:
Jeb!
5460 Beaumont Center Boulevard
Tampa, FL 33634

*From “Raisins”, the single greatest episode of “South Park” ever.  

*Charlie Sheen

*Sen, Al Franken, before he was a senator.  

*I made this up myself, honest.

*From the motion picture, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, which if you have never seen, means we can’t hang out.