Hello dear reader(s)!
So you found yourself becoming attracted to one of your friends. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. I know, because it once happened to me, and I am the best of us. So now what do you do? Do you tell that person, and risk ruining a good friendship, or do you sit back, resigned to the friend-zone hoping and praying that one day she’ll notice you were the one who was there all along and the douchebags she usually goes after are not good for her? Well, if you think it is the second one, then you are a little bitch. You tell that person. You don’t have to come right out and say it, but you should come right out and say it. If not, at least make it obvious to her or whatever gender, gender identity, or lack thereof you have found yourself becoming attracted to.
Okay, so you told the person and that person has either let you know in no uncertain terms that the attraction is not mutual, or has let you know nothing in which case the attraction is not mutual. Now what are you supposed to do? Never fear, you can still be friends with this person.
Contrary to popular opinion, it is, in fact, quite easy to maintain a friendship with someone you want to ravish against a wall of the next place you see that person. Just don’t try to ravish that person against the wall the next time you see that person, and follow these simple steps.
- Highlight how important honesty is to a good friendship. Think about it. Does anyone really want friends who are not going to tell them how they feel about them? You were bold enough to tell the person the truth on your attraction to said person, you can be bold enough to tell that person her ass does indeed look fat in that dress.
- Establish rules for the friendship. This has to be give and take. For example, you promise not to attempt to ravish her against the wall of the next place you see her, if she promises to never ask you advice about those she is currently, or wants to date. You are her friend, not her girlfriend. You promise not to lie to try to slide in from the friend-zone, if she promises to recognize the fact you do find her attractive and may always deep-down want to ravish her against the wall of whatever place you see her next.
- Remember there are plenty of fish in the sea although that isn’t meant literally because over-fishing, ocean acidification, and climate change are contributing to a decline in the population of most fish in the sea. Just because she is the one you rub one out to just before you go to bed, when you wake up, and at various points in the day, does not mean that she is the only one you should be focusing on. Have those all night conversations unless it interferes with having a life outside of this friend. If you have someone else that likes you, that you find attractive, then go for the one who hasn’t decided they only want to be friends. You can still talk to this person, but don’t let rubbing one out to thought of ravishing her against the next wall that you find the two of you near get in the way of the possibility of ravishing someone against a nearby wall for real.
- Keep open to things changing. This sounds contradictory to the point above, but it really isn’t and I can explain. Sometimes (despite popular opinion that says otherwise) friends do become lovers. It isn’t just in romantic comedies that this can happen. The key is to establish yourself as someone who is attracted to the person you’re interested in early, and not ever accept being just the buddy. Continue to flirt, continue to let the person know you would let them do degrading things to you for weeks at a time if they so chose as you continue to keep your options open. The only person limiting yourself to a friendship only relationship is yourself, and of course that person at any given time. But sometimes things do change, unless you take yourself out of the game as one of the potentials. Maybe you’re not ready at that time, or that person is not ready for you, or you have too many obstacles in the way, or the person just hasn’t been able to discover your full awesomeness. Don’t be the bestie. Be the friend with intentions. “be like the guy in the rated R movie”*
- Check-in. Unless the person has taken steps to keep you from doing so, in which case you need to leave that person the hell alone. Don’t do this all the time, but let that person know you are thinking of that person and wishing that person a good day, or night, or late afternoon, or sunrise, or lunch hour, or nap as you are looking through her window watching her sleep (oh wait, not that last part!). Don’t be clingy about it. You don’t want to make her see your text or message or voicemail or dozen roses you had delivered to her workplace with a giant “Why Won’t You Love Me?” note on a teddy bear and think, “Ugh, not again. This is the 23rd time today!” Keep it to 22 times a day or less. Seriously though, not every day. If she hasn’t blocked, unfriended, or gotten that TPO don’t worry about a non-response. If she minded it is easy to let you know. Just understand that she may not want to talk and slow it up, buddy. But do let her know you still want to be her friend.
- Don’t over-analyze. Nothing will make things more difficult for you than over-analyzing all of the things she does. “Oh she was on Facebook for more than 5 minutes without posting anything, she must be chatting with some guy.” Or, “Oh she sent me a smiley sticker in my Messenger app, she must really like me.” Or, “Oh she told me she is really tired but I am looking at her right now with binoculars and she is out at midnight.” Those kind of thoughts not only kill any chance you would have at friendship and certainly kill any chance of a relationship, but also probably get you arrested; especially the last one. Creep.