Why Having A Stalker Isn’t So Bad

Hello dear reader(s)!

Apparently, I am being cyber stalked.  I know, I know.  Me.  Someone must be really bored!  I only found this out because I happened to write a piece of code that I inserted against a certain site’s terms and conditions and inserted into the files of some of my images.  These images are getting viewed…a lot.  Certain ones over and over.

Now, this could be just people visiting the more interesting of my pictures, however, I was able to time it to when a certain person shows as being available in Chat.  So I have narrowed it down to that person.

That is freaking awesome!!!

Should I be concerned?  Nah.  I’m actually flattered.  So what if she wants to murder me in my sleep?  She thinks I am interesting enough to cyber stalk me!  She doesn’t message me, or comment on or like my posts…she just goes on and looks at certain pictures.  Pictures where…if I do say so myself, I am looking pretty damn good.  I wonder if she is getting any gratification from them.  After all, I do love to help people.

My first thought was to unfriend and block her, but then I thought better.  Why not be the target of her insane obsession with my amazing body?  It is great to know that I rock my beer gut better than anyone else in her world.

I am, of course, only kidding.  I don’t have code embedded in my pictures to track visits.  I wouldn’t even know how to go about something like that, even if I wanted to know.  (I really don’t.)  They had those hacker sites that would say they could track visits to your profile, but would just download malware onto your computer, but I never fell for any of that.  Not because I’m not stupid enough to, but because I’m ultra-paranoid that someone will leak my naked pictures onto a revenge porn site.  If my naked pictures are getting leaked, I’m going to do it after my ass implants myself so that I can build a career as a reality star with absolutely no talent.

However, I do know my profile is being stalked.  It really isn’t hard to figure out.  Just go into your tag list and look at the people who come up first on a text post.  The social media site’s algorithms will bring up the people who have the most communication with your profile.  If the people you communicate with most aren’t at the top of that list…then the people at the top are looking at you.  Is that true?  I don’t think so.  Sounds good though, right?

So just because I felt like messing with my Facebook friends, I posted something along the lines of “You are a stalker.” as my status.  Also, because when they see the title of this post, they might be intrigued due to the status last night and click into the post thinking I have a stalker.  And maybe I do.  I don’t know.  (Kids on the Interweb Tubes of You call that tactic “Guerilla Marketing”.)  Since I love nothing more than marketing, especially to guerillas, I thought it would be fun to do.  Not really, I hate marketing; I like messing with people.

But what is so bad about being cyber stalked anyway?  As a blog-type-thinger with literally one(s) of follower(s), you know that I have no problem with somebody knowing the intimate (or lack of) details of my exciting (Netflix based) life.  So, to help those of you who may have a real, actual stalker…I present to you this little list of reasons why having a stalker isn’t so bad.

  1. Someone finds you fascinating.  Why else would they waste their time examining every detail of your online life for possible clues or windows into your private life?  Oh sure, it could just be that they want you to put the lotion in the basket, but at least they want you to put the lotion in the basket.
  2. Stalkers are generally very loyal.  By that, I don’t mean that if you have a relationship with them they will never cheat; no, what I mean is that you know at least one person will be at your funeral.  Even if they are the ones who caused it and are hiding behind the nearest tree pleasuring themselves.
  3. The playful one-sided banter.  Who doesn’t love getting romantic letters and messages professing someone’s undying devotion and/or ownership of your mind, body and soul?  Who doesn’t love getting them written in blood on a picture taken of you in your bathroom?  Nobody I want to know, that’s for sure.
  4. Companionship.  It is hard to be lonely when you’re never alone.  You’re.  Never.  Alone.  Never alone.  Never, never alone.  Never.
  5. They are goal-oriented, driven people.  Isn’t that what everyone wants?  Someone with goals?  Driven to succeed at those goals who will stop at nothing (including laws) to get what they want (you to put the lotion in the basket)?  No?  Just me?

I’d apologize for possibly upsetting people with this post, but with the title, it is pretty much your fault for clicking into it.  I have a friend who actually has a stalker issue in real life.  Actually, I have three?  Unless one stopped, I don’t know.

What I want to know is this…has any stalker ever actually succeeded in doing anything but getting jail time or hurting someone?  Can you name one example of a person who stalked someone after repeatedly being rejected and ended up winning the heart of their victim with threats or intimidation?


Didn’t think so.  Don’t stalk people.  Stalking is not only harmful to the person you think you care about, it is also pretty damn ineffective.

Except for you.  You can stalk me anytime you want.  Yes, you.  Grrrr rrrow!  Sure, I’ll put the lotion in your basket.


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

20 thoughts on “Why Having A Stalker Isn’t So Bad”

  1. This post is good! I had one for years. He is and always will be crazy. He’s my ex boyfriend. I had to break up with him after three months because he was always on drugs and didn’t want to work. He really took advantage of me. He stole money from my bank account and pawned some of my things like a tablet and jewelry. He messed up my car too. He wouldn’t stop going to my job or calling me at work after I broke up with him. I had to change my cell phone number after I dumped him. He’s been in and out of jail many times. He kept calling me collect from jail several times after we broke up. He had a baby mama after me but still called me. It finally stopped after three years! I called the jail and collect call service to put a block. I would always ignore his calls . I don’t know where he is now. I’m just glad it stopped.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I appreciate WordPress for its ability to alert me to the days I am lovingly stalked…1 visitor from Argentina and 12 views, why hello stranger. Read, enjoy, and diligently repeat please. I’ve always found ways to make the best of my stalky situations. For instance I now have 24/7 security for my home, car, and loads of free gifts. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a good post. I always read a post two or three times especially if I like it. I also don’t absorb information like some people do. I may go overboard at times especially if I think someone’s a good writer not just cause there interesting but for tips as well. I believe if people have made themselves and there business public record it is fair game.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I don’t care about blog stalking. I sometimes read a few at a time too. This was just a big joke on some Facebook friends that a few didn’t get. They really thought I had a stalker, which I don’t…as far as I know.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I figured you were talking about facebook, when you brought up them flipping through your pictures and tags and blocking. I’m glad you don’t mind a blog stalker because I do come through sometimes and linger!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I love the closing sentence….”I’ll put lotion in that basket”

    ….Stalking is an out of control way of taking control. I’ve had people who’ve had love affairs with me without even letting me know…and of course there are the stalkers that people who write about mental health issues get. Usually people who who think all of life is a libertarian game and the rest of us are pawns for their pleasure.

    I sometimes hurt their feelings but that doesn’t make them stop stalking me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I had an art stalker a few years ago. I met him at an outdoor art festival when he came to my booth. He bought a small print, then started showing up to all my shows (usually dressed like Karate Kid, complete with rolled up bandana wrapped around his forehead. He used an image of one of my paintings as his MySpace screensaver and compared me to the genius of Van Gogh. Then he met my husband at a show and he got all pissed off even though I had been very careful to mention S frequently. He emailed one day and he wanted to buy a larger print. So the hubs and I met him at a diner to do the deal. After we climbed back in the car, he leaned and screamed, “I thought you were going to get me pot,man!!!” I said no and that was the last I ever heard of him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The only things I’ve never noticed are patterns in which posts are read and which referrers they come from. When it comes from my social media, and are certain types of posts, that’s when I wonder about the intentions.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh well, I guess that’s different. I don’t have my social media accounts linked. It’s only through google, or bing or the likes, but I guess having them click certain posts are something to think about.
        They probably love you, and want to know your taste😁

        Liked by 1 person

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