Hello dear reader(s)!
Apparently, I am being cyber stalked. I know, I know. Me. Someone must be really bored! I only found this out because I happened to write a piece of code that I inserted against a certain site’s terms and conditions and inserted into the files of some of my images. These images are getting viewed…a lot. Certain ones over and over.
Now, this could be just people visiting the more interesting of my pictures, however, I was able to time it to when a certain person shows as being available in Chat. So I have narrowed it down to that person.
That is freaking awesome!!!
Should I be concerned? Nah. I’m actually flattered. So what if she wants to murder me in my sleep? She thinks I am interesting enough to cyber stalk me! She doesn’t message me, or comment on or like my posts…she just goes on and looks at certain pictures. Pictures where…if I do say so myself, I am looking pretty damn good. I wonder if she is getting any gratification from them. After all, I do love to help people.
My first thought was to unfriend and block her, but then I thought better. Why not be the target of her insane obsession with my amazing body? It is great to know that I rock my beer gut better than anyone else in her world.
I am, of course, only kidding. I don’t have code embedded in my pictures to track visits. I wouldn’t even know how to go about something like that, even if I wanted to know. (I really don’t.) They had those hacker sites that would say they could track visits to your profile, but would just download malware onto your computer, but I never fell for any of that. Not because I’m not stupid enough to, but because I’m ultra-paranoid that someone will leak my naked pictures onto a revenge porn site. If my naked pictures are getting leaked, I’m going to do it after my ass implants myself so that I can build a career as a reality star with absolutely no talent.
However, I do know my profile is being stalked. It really isn’t hard to figure out. Just go into your tag list and look at the people who come up first on a text post. The social media site’s algorithms will bring up the people who have the most communication with your profile. If the people you communicate with most aren’t at the top of that list…then the people at the top are looking at you. Is that true? I don’t think so. Sounds good though, right?
So just because I felt like messing with my Facebook friends, I posted something along the lines of “You are a stalker.” as my status. Also, because when they see the title of this post, they might be intrigued due to the status last night and click into the post thinking I have a stalker. And maybe I do. I don’t know. (Kids on the Interweb Tubes of You call that tactic “Guerilla Marketing”.) Since I love nothing more than marketing, especially to guerillas, I thought it would be fun to do. Not really, I hate marketing; I like messing with people.
But what is so bad about being cyber stalked anyway? As a blog-type-thinger with literally one(s) of follower(s), you know that I have no problem with somebody knowing the intimate (or lack of) details of my exciting (Netflix based) life. So, to help those of you who may have a real, actual stalker…I present to you this little list of reasons why having a stalker isn’t so bad.
- Someone finds you fascinating. Why else would they waste their time examining every detail of your online life for possible clues or windows into your private life? Oh sure, it could just be that they want you to put the lotion in the basket, but at least they want you to put the lotion in the basket.
- Stalkers are generally very loyal. By that, I don’t mean that if you have a relationship with them they will never cheat; no, what I mean is that you know at least one person will be at your funeral. Even if they are the ones who caused it and are hiding behind the nearest tree pleasuring themselves.
- The playful one-sided banter. Who doesn’t love getting romantic letters and messages professing someone’s undying devotion and/or ownership of your mind, body and soul? Who doesn’t love getting them written in blood on a picture taken of you in your bathroom? Nobody I want to know, that’s for sure.
- Companionship. It is hard to be lonely when you’re never alone. You’re. Never. Alone. Never alone. Never, never alone. Never.
- They are goal-oriented, driven people. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Someone with goals? Driven to succeed at those goals who will stop at nothing (including laws) to get what they want (you to put the lotion in the basket)? No? Just me?
I’d apologize for possibly upsetting people with this post, but with the title, it is pretty much your fault for clicking into it. I have a friend who actually has a stalker issue in real life. Actually, I have three? Unless one stopped, I don’t know.
What I want to know is this…has any stalker ever actually succeeded in doing anything but getting jail time or hurting someone? Can you name one example of a person who stalked someone after repeatedly being rejected and ended up winning the heart of their victim with threats or intimidation?
Didn’t think so. Don’t stalk people. Stalking is not only harmful to the person you think you care about, it is also pretty damn ineffective.
Except for you. You can stalk me anytime you want. Yes, you. Grrrr rrrow! Sure, I’ll put the lotion in your basket.