Hello dear reader(s)!
In the last 2 months I have lost 20 pounds, mostly fat. I am proud of this fact, although I will admit the first 7 was because of freaking out and not eating enough. However, I used that stress-induced weight loss as a spur to start eating healthier and exercising more. I kind of had to, or else I would have likely slipped into the grips of depression or drug addiction. Thankfully, endorphins (like dolphins, but with endoskeletons, which they all have, so that’s redundant) are released from exercising, which makes you feel better mentally. (Endorphins are also released during sex, but unfortunately, nobody I’m interested in has offered to release those endorphins to me lately.)
So, I know that right now, you’re either saying, “Who cares?” or, “How did you do it?” Or perhaps you’re saying that you should move on to the next post in your Reader. Maybe you’re yelling at your kids or your spouse. Okay, I admit it, I have no idea what you’re saying right now. If I did, that would be a little scary, don’t you think?
Anyway for those (one) of you wondering how I did it, I have decided to offer my tips for how I lost my weight. These tips are not necessarily going to work for anyone else, so keep that in mind before you try to sue me for these free tips if they don’t work for you.
- Have a majorly stress filled month in which you are running yourself ragged and not eating nearly enough to keep going. For me, this would be the month Hannah was either in the hospital, or the time shortly after her death. Your stomach will literally contract, making it easier not to overeat later. If someone you know and love doesn’t die, just re-watch all of the 9/11 footage over and over again for a month.
- Once your appetite returns, eat better. I cut way back on meat. I’m not sure why. Maybe moral reasons, maybe health reasons, maybe both. What I do know, is that I get more nutrition in fewer calories than I ever did eating burgers all the time. I still have meat when I go out, but it is a rarity. There is plenty of protein in beans if you decide you can do vegan, and plenty in dairy and beans if not. When I lift, bro, I drink a whey protein shake right after. Still fewer calories than meat meals. Also, beans don’t really make you toot that much.
- Exercise. You do not have to lift weights (bro) or run hill sprints (which I just started and for some reason my shoulders are now more sore than my legs (?)) in order to drop the weight. Store within a few miles and you only need a few things? Walk. I walk to the store all the time, and carry back two one-gallon jugs of water, plus some bananas or something like that. Really need a latte? Earn it. Walk to get it. Shower first and walk at a leisurely pace so you don’t end up stinking for the good-looking barista you want to ask out.
- Smaller meals, more frequently. I like to eat about every three to four hours. Just something. Lunch is usually my biggest meal of the day. Never dinner, because you don’t need a lot of calories to sleep, unless you are lucky enough to not be going right to sleep when you go to bed.
- Cut out the beer. At least cut back on the beer. Beer messes with your metabolism. An alcoholic beverage, unless you have liver issues, is actually good for you in moderation. Beer is not. I drink beer. Not a lot, but there is a reason they call it a beer belly. Switch to something like wine, if you can stand it. I can’t, except champagne and a good homemade sangria, so I just limit my beer consumption. Watch out for the hard liquor too, simply because you can drink more faster. Also, because, silly rabbit, shots are for kids and barely legal college girls you do not want to take advantage of.
- Play drums. Creativity and a workout. Everyone loves a guitar player, but the only workout they get from it is their wrist, which I work out all the time. It doesn’t have to be drums, it can be any kind of active activity that you enjoy doing. If you enjoy it, you’ll keep doing it. This is also why I like hiking. I get to walk through pretty nature (which basically is my form of worship), and get exercise without realizing I’m exercising while doing so. But being a drummer is cooler than hiking.
- Find a job where you’re not sitting all day. My friend sent me her iPhone fitness tracker pedometer thingy from just being at work one day. I’m not sure why she sent it, as if I thought she sat around all day, but I don’t know why women do much of anything they do. At any rate, her read-out was like the ones that your friends who brag about their gym experiences post on your Facebook to prove they actually go the gym they spend money on. No need to pay extra for a gym, when your job keeps you on your toes. In her case, literally, because this is all in heels. Her poor little feet.
- Ditch the scale. Muscle weighs more than fat. By that, I mean fat takes up more volume for the same weight in fat. I don’t keep track of that, but how my clothes fit and how much definition I can see in the mirror. I only know the amount of weight I lost because I go to the doctor a lot. If you check the scale daily, your weight will fluctuate. It could be water retention, or even whether or not you pooed before hand.
- Don’t think of yourself as being fat. Think of yourself as having excess fat that you must lose. You are not fat, you have fat. You are not your car, you have a car. You might need to lose your car, but you will never be your car; unless there is some freak sci-fi style combining machine accident.
- Limit sugary drinks. Sometimes you want a soda. And that is okay. Just make sure it is sometimes. Try juice instead, because at least then you get some vitamins with your sugar. Always go for real sugar over HFCS because it does spike your blood glucose faster than regular sugar does (according to at least one study) and even if it didn’t, it just tastes worse. Still, try to limit them as much as possible. Even white mochas. I’m sorry, I know. I know. Is the weight loss worth that?
For other effective weight loss tips, visit the McDonald’s at your local Wal-Mart and do the opposite of what everyone over the age of 8 is doing there.
(Featured image courtesy of MenFitness.com)