How To Be A Douchebag

Hello dear reader(s)!

In my never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain you, I have decided to once again turn to the advice of self-proclaimed life expert, Joshua Wrenn, GED.  Joshua Wrenn has just become one of his head’s most celebrated Self-Certified Life Coaches and so we are honored to have him on this blog-type-thing, to give his sage wisdom and amazing advice to my dear reader(s).  So please let me welcome, Joshua Wrenn, GED.

Josh:  Hello Joshua.  Let’s play global thermonuclear war.

Joshua:  Wouldn’t you prefer a nice game of chess?” * (-this is not mine, it is from the movie War Games, which if you haven’t seen, I feel bad for you, son.  Except Matthew Broderick’s character wasn’t named Josh, but the computer was named Joshua, which is why I had to do that.)

Josh:  Thanks for going along with me on that, I’ve always wanted to do that.  Seriously though, I want to thank you for taking time out of your insanely busy schedule to talk to my dear reader(s) today.  I understand that you have some amazing advice that will provide amazing results to our dear reader(s) who are looking to expand their skills in this field.

Joshua:  Yes, I do.  And why wouldn’t they want to?  Acting like a douchebag gets people out of all sorts of situations where otherwise they might get their asses kicked.

Josh:  I’m not sure I follow, can you explain?

Joshua:  Of course.  You see douchebags can do things that a normal person would be arrested and/or beaten to within an inch of their lives for, but are usually dismissed because just by taking one look at said douchebag, non-douchebags will instruct their friends to let it go.  They will say, “Is that douchebag really worth all the trouble you’ll get into?”  And the non-douchebags know this to be true, and so the douchebag can continue living his douchebaggery filled existence with impunity.  

Josh:  Okay, I think I understand, but can you give our dear reader(s) an example?

Joshua:  No, bro, do you even lift?  (Example one, right there.)  Another example would be when a douchebag walks up to a girl and tells her she has nice legs, then asks what time they open.  Most girls will get annoyed and walk away.  Some really insecure girls will actually respond to that line.  The non-douchebag bystanders will want to intervene on behalf of women everywhere, but do not want to risk the jail time and possibly losing a good job that the douchebag doesn’t even have.

Josh:  Wow, that sounds amazing?  Can you give us some tips to help us become a douchebag?

Joshua:  Yeah, whatever bra.  

  • So the first thing you want to do is adopt the Fred Durst look.  For those of you who do not know who Fred Durst is, you should consider yourself to be lucky.  But since you are looking to be a douchebag, I suggest you do a Google image search.  Remember some of his most douchebaggery lines, like, “It’s my way or the highway.”   And, “I did it all for the nookie.”  
  • Next you must adopt the douchebag posture.  Remember to puff out your chest as much as you can, and to make it look like, no matter how out of shape your are, you just came from doing way too many sets at the gym.  You want to take up space, because it projects a sort of “haven’t evolved beyond missing link” animal (literally) magnetism.  
  • Cologne, cologne, cologne.  Do you need me to say that again?  Cologne.  There is no such thing as too much.  If you are not gassing people out with your cologne, you’re not doing it right.  You want to wear so much that whoever you approach is rendered unable to think from the toxicity of the fumes, thus making her easier to take advantage of.  This will save you money on drinks to get her good and sufficiently out of her ability to give informed consent.  If you can’t afford cologne, Axe body spray is a good alternative.  Like chloroform.  
  • If you are in a crowded location, make sure you bump into everyone with your wild flail “dancing” and then get pissed off at them for existing where you would like to flail.
  • Remember, the world and everyone in it belongs to you, so act that way.  Even if you just met someone, be insanely jealous anytime anyone looks toward, or attempts to talk to whoever that may be.  Everyone else is just an extra in the movie of life starring you.  

Josh:  Wow, Joshua, thank you for those wonderful tips.  I couldn’t help notice they were geared toward our male dear reader(s).  I was wondering though, if it might be possible for a female to also be a douchebag.

Joshua:  I am so glad you asked, bro.  Yes, it is definitely possible and I can offer up some tips for prospective douchebag women now.

  • Go for male douchebags, but then bother all of your friends every couple of months when he either beats you or otherwise treats you like a piece of property without any intention to leave.
  • Get plastic surgery to enhance the specific parts of your body that society sexualizes.  Then wear clothes leaving nothing to the imagination and do as much as possible to stick those body parts in the faces of any man, whether they show interest or not.  Do this repeatedly to the uninterested.  
  • Makeup, makeup, makeup.  If you don’t look like the Joker by the end of the night, you have not worn enough.  
  • While being with the douchebag of your choice, be sure to flirt with others.  Make the target of your flirting believe that it is more serious than the innocent flirting we all do, because you are just that desperate for attention.  
  • Continually post on social media about how much men suck, and how men just want one thing and then get annoyed or offended anytime anyone makes a joke about women.  This could also apply in reverse order to douchebag men.  
  • Flake.  As much as you can.  Just flake.  No explanations, no confrontations, just flake.  Make the people who made plans with you that you flaked on or the people who you were talking to but then just decided not to without any reason offered glad that you flaked.  This will definitely cement your status as a lady douchebag.

Of course, there are many other more advanced techniques to becoming a douchebag, which I offer in my private coaching sessions for the low rate of just $5,000 an hour.  That may seem like a douchebag amount to charge, but how valuable would having the ability to get out of any shitty behavior be to you?  

Josh:  Well Joshua, I thank you for these valuable tips.

To my dear reader(s), Joshua Wrenn, GED is offering the dear reader(s) of this blog-type-thing an exclusive special .05% discount on his coaching sessions.  If you would like to sign up with Joshua, just contact him through the comments.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

8 thoughts on “How To Be A Douchebag”

    1. HAHAHAHA! Moo has a new teacher, because her previous teacher decided to go back for a master’s in engineering, and when I asked her if she liked her new teacher, she said, “Yeah, he smells a lot better.” I asked how so and she told me the other teacher smelled like Axe, and this teacher just smells like a clean man! Oh the lolz!

      Liked by 2 people

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