10 Reasons You Will Always Be Single

Hello dear reader(s)!

Are you currently single?  Do you sometimes wonder if maybe you are destined to remain single for the rest of your life?  Do you wish you weren’t single?  Do you know what single means?  Are you happy being single? Are you lonely?  Did you know a one dollar bill is sometimes referred to as a “single”?  Is there a single point to all of these questions?

Well, no, not really.  Except to get you thinking about being single.  If you are currently single, and may be worried that you will always be single, then this post is for you.  If not, you probably know someone who is single and will likely always be single, so this post is still for you.  Do you see how inclusive my blog-type-thing is?  I should get a humanitarian award for that kind of thing.

  1. You believe that your blog-type-thing deserves a humanitarian award for being inclusive.  This should be a red flag for any prospective dating partner.  How egotistical does someone have to be to think that their stupid drivel should get a humanitarian award because it did not exclude non-single people?  One word people:  Run!
  2. You are over the age of 12, not a girl, and you post about being lonely on Facebook; ending each one with a series of emojis.  You are sending a signal to prospective people of interest that says, “I am whiny, I am clingy, I can’t spell, and look at me!”  If that is of interest to someone over the age of 12, then that person will also be whiny and clingy and likely can’t spell ether.
  3. You think you’re perfect.  Now, there is nothing wrong with thinking you are worthy.  There is nothing wrong with knowing you are a catch.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with confidence.  But thinking you are perfect is simply bullshit, no matter how good looking you are, what kind of car you drive, where you live, your humanitarian efforts, your power, your money, your work ethic, your drive, your tastes, your sexual prowess, etc, etc…  Always strive to be the most perfect version of yourself, but realize that you will never attain it.  Unless you are me, because let’s face it, I’m pretty damn perfect.
  4. You do not think you are good enough.  Do you know what puts someone out of your league?  Well, if you play sports, there are a number of factors that could be involved.  Maybe they don’t even play the same sport as you, so why would they be in your league?  But aside from sports, the only thing that puts people out of your league is your decision to clump people into leagues as if it were a sport.  Nobody is better or worse than you.  They are just different.  And by different, sometimes I mean just ugly in every possible way, both outside and in.  In that case, they are different from you in a way that means you should not slum it, but that doesn’t mean you’re better, because you know you have your issues too.  Maybe they have more.  And really fucked up smells.  And a shitty attitude.  But they aren’t worse.  Just disgustingly different.
  5. You make excuses for bad behavior.  This is going to be controversial.  It is not intended to be, but even mentioning the word, will likely get me some hate comments.  Please understand, I am overweight as I type this, with a gut that my regular readers have seen because I have no shame.  However, let’s be clear on something.  I own my shit.  I blame nobody but me and my bad behavior.  I do not blame cost for my laziness.  What am I talking about?  I am talking about the very popular meme that compares the price of a burger on a fast food value menu to the cost of a fast food salad (with the salad obviously costing about  5 times as much) and saying, “No wonder people in America are so fat.”  No.  This is false.  Yes, the salads cost more FROM FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS!  Go to the fucking store, buy the ingredients, and with the cost of one fast food salad, you can make fucking 12 if you get off of your fucking lazy ass and make the goddamn salad yourself.  Quit paying for convenience and do some fucking work, or own the fact that you are too lazy to prepare a salad sometimes and that is that.  I have my gut because occasionally, I eat food I know isn’t the healthiest.  Because it is good.  Not because of cost, that is bullshit, you know it, I know it, and making excuses for it is a turn off.
  6. You are overly critical.  See #5 for all you need to know about that one.
  7. You are hung up on someone that is such a long shot…you ignore what is right in front of you.  I think we all have been guilty of this one at some point in our lives.  Not that these other people throwing themselves at you aren’t attractive, but sometimes you purposely wear blinders because you want what you want.  Maybe, say, I don’t know…you connect on a really deep level and everyone around you seems so shallow by comparison.  Or maybe she lives far away.  Or maybe her name is (just kidding).
  8. You are married to your job.  Now, of course, people have to work.  And sometimes work takes a lot out of you to where you just don’t feel like doing anything except drinking a bottle of (insert self-medicating beverage here), putting your feet up, and crashing a few chapters into a good book or some other hopefully non-reality TV based entertainment.  This is not meant for you.  That happens to everyone.  No, this is for the people who fall in love so much with their money, possessions, or power at their job that they simply leave no room in their heart for anything else.  Including kittens, which makes them the most terrible people on the planet who likely manipulate the FOREX or create market bubbles to line their pockets off the backs of the hard working citizens.
  9. You try too hard.  “Well you’re never gonna find it if you’re looking for it Won’t come your way.”  – The Used.  Or maybe you don’t like The Used, and have heard them but just don’t like them, in which case there is no help for you.
  10. You spend your time writing listicles instead of getting out and meeting people.  But have you seen where I live?  Wouldn’t you?

I hope this helps you understand why you are single, and likely always will be.  But is that so bad?  There is this thing called Netflix…


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

5 thoughts on “10 Reasons You Will Always Be Single”

  1. The Mister and I JUST had this convo last night. People all sad talkin bout how they don’t wanna be alone and how their life would be so much better if only they could fall in love, find love, find The One to share it with. We’re judgmental about it. #2 says it all, really. I think #2 is The Thing! You can’t keep yourself entertained? In this day and age? You’re bored and lonely? GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. DO THINGS. GO BUY SOME SALAD FIXINS! EAT IT AT THE PARK! FIND A FREAKIN HOBBY. No one wants to be with some lonely, boring jackass who thinks fascinating people will just knock on the door one night and cure him. Gah. And I don’t just mean him — her as well! Have something to offer, even if there just stories of things one does! #2 #2 #2!
    Sorry to rant on your listicle, but Joeys are sick of this tired ol record.


  2. Or, you can always fall for the wrong person or for people who only see you like a sister or a friend.

    Wait, that’s me.

    I’m OK with being alone, I just prefer a relationship/companionship. But I’ve already whined about that enough elsewhere 😀


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