North To Alaska!

Hello dear reader(s)!

While you are reading this, I am most likely either

  1. On my way to the airport.
  2. At the airport being molested screened by TSA.
  3. In the nudie scanner feeling uncomfortable as a TSA employee looks at my massive…  scars on my leg.  Get your minds out of the gutter!
  4. On a tiny little propeller plane for the first leg of my flight.
  5. At the airport switching to an actual vehicle meant for commercial use for the second leg of my flight.
  6. Freaking out about some dude with measles sitting in the tube of recycled air that is hurtling me through the friendly skies.
  7. Experiencing some other travel related fun.

Since I will not be getting in until evening, this post will contain no pictures or funny stories about my trip.  Actually, most of the posts from Alaska (provided the Wi-Fi in my hotel room is good enough for phone posting) will likely not contain very many fun stories or pictures.

Why?” you ask.

“Well, I will tell you, as long as you stop asking me so many questions while I am posting!”

You see, I wanted to keep this a secret, but this trip actually won’t be for pleasure.  No, that was all a clever disguise because I couldn’t reveal the stance of my employer until his announcements and speeches were made during his own recent visit.

That’s right…I am not going on a short vacation.  I am, in fact, a special emissary sent by President Obama himself to further study and pay lip service to show support for those brave Americans who are worried about climate change.  How will I do this?  Well, I will follow the example of President Obama and ease the rules to allow more drilling in the arctic and then change the name of Alaskan things back to the name originally given to them by the native peoples of the area.  (I think you’re great, Mr. President…but really?!?!?)

As you may have guessed, I am not really working for the President.  I am very much looking forward to this small getaway from the doctor’s appointments, more doctor’s appointments, heat and intense sun, desert, and Burners.  What I am not really looking forward to, is the travel to get there.

With that in mind, I have created a special gift, that only you, my dear reader(s), will have access to.  This gift would normally sell for thousands of dollars in one of my private sessions (private sessions for list making?) (See, it’s going to be a list.  We authors call that “foreshadowing”.) but because you have stuck with me by reading to this point, I am going to give you this gift, absolutely free!

Now I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Josh, that’s great and all, but why would I want this list?”  

That’s a fair question.  Well, this list is so powerful, so overwhelmingly life-changing, that once you read it, you’ll wonder how you ever got by without it.  Before I get to this list, I just want to let you know that the tips and techniques I am about to share with you will make it easier to live the life you have always dreamed of.  You will be able to attract anything you desire in this universe, provided what you desire is to have an easier time dealing with airports and flying.

Now that I’m about to give you this gift, all I ask is that you comment, like, and share all of my posts from now on, whether they suck or not.  Sound good?

Great!

Without further adieu, I now present, as my gift to you, The Top 10 Things You Can Do To Make Air Travel More Enjoyable For Yourself And/Or Your Travel Companions And Possibly Humanity In General But If Not At Least You. 

  1. Shower  Do this for your fellow traveler, who is crammed into the tiny seat next to you on the tiny aluminum tube that is recirculating the air back to you.  Your fellow traveler will be nicer to you, and a feeling of positivity will overtake (the only way you’d ever want your plane overtaken, by the way) the plane.
  2. Drugs  Now, I would normally not advocate drug use, but when flying, sometimes it is better to be sedated.  You do not have to do illegal drugs to make this happen, and if you can mediate or something, good for you, but I will reinforce my flying with the chemicals.
  3. Headphones  No, I don’t want to talk to you.  I just want to think about the plane landing safely at my destination, and getting away from you.  Headphones show you that.  Wear headphones, and you too, can experience the joy of being antisocial.
  4. Wear clothes that help speed the line  18 buckles on your pants?  To the back.  Don’t understand how to take off your belt?  To the back.  Spiked leather jacket?  Get out of here and never come back.
  5. Smile  You don’t have to walk around grinning like an idiot, just try not to look so pissed as you walk through the terminal or are boarding.  You never know, you just might start a flash-mob performing The Age Of Aquarius.  On second thought…don’t smile.  Never smile.
  6. Eat  Bring something to eat, or have something to eat before you hit the terminal.  At least once a trip I have watched someone almost pass out from not eating.  It isn’t fun for me, and maybe not even fun for the person doing it.
  7. Read  Bring a book.  Books are good.  Reading is FUNdamental.  If you can’t read on the plane because it worsens your air sickness, then just read in the terminal.  Because getting puked on is NOT FUNdagastorintestinal.
  8. Hydrate  First flight getting in a little late and worried about your connection?  You might have to run.  Do you really want to risk cramping up?  There is no “I” in second place!  You can’t spell “victory” without Vic, unless Vic isn’t there and you know how to spell.
  9. Don’t make jokes  Now, you’ve probably already heard not to make jokes about bombs or terrorism or whatever.  But don’t make jokes of any kind.  The people who work those jobs have no sense of humor, or you just aren’t funny, or likely both.  Don’t end up in Guantanamo because you thought the TSA employee might want to know why a horse walked into a bar.
  10. Kiss the asses of the flight crew  Their job is difficult.  They can also make your life difficult if you fuck with them.  So kiss their asses.  Not literally, unless you find each other attractive, all parties are consenting, all parties are into that specific act, and nobody can see.

I want to thank you for reading.  Remember to spread the word and comment and like EVERYTHING I DO!!!!!!!

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

34 thoughts on “North To Alaska!”

  1. Your notes should be incorporated into every travel book written. I lose my mind in line at the airport by those not prepared for screening (REALLY??!!) and then by the time it’s my turn I look completely unglued and the TSA doesn’t appreciate that ‘look’.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. The travel snacks I keep going back to are granola bars. They’re easy to pack and individual wrapping helps during the TSA molestations :). They’re also good for sharing if you happen to come across fellow travellers about to pass out.

        Liked by 1 person

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