This Guy Wrote A Post, You Won’t Believe What Happened Next…

Hello dear reader(s)!

How is that for a lame-ass blog-type-thing title?  Why do people still click on that shit?  It is never suspenseful.  You can always figure out what happened next.  Or if you can’t you can sure as hell believe it when you read about it or see the video.  It is usually followed by some completely predictable story too.  This man walked up to a dog who was said to be vicious and was chained up.  You won’t believe what happened next.  Well, let’s examine that, shall we?

A.  The dog bit him.  (Seriously, wouldn’t that be so believable they wouldn’t have that title?)
B. A comet fell from the sky wiping out humanity as we know it. (While certainly unbelievable, they likely wouldn’t be able to post about it if that happened, would they?)
C. The dog was actually U2 and Jimmy Fallon in disguise. (No, because I’ve already seen something too similar.)
D. Oh, I don’t know, the dog was friendly? Maybe even licked him? (Fucking brilliant!)

It seems as if the whole world is just one big advertisement anymore.  Nobody gives a crap about content, they just want you to click on things so they can make money.  But not me, dear reader(s), I want to enlighten, entertain, and whatever the third thing I usually say.

So, in an attempt to enlighten, entertain, and whatever else I usually say there, you (and I do mean attempt), I will now define some terms or words or expressions for you in the way that I see them.

Racism and Sexism  Does a fascist think one fasc is superior to another?  I don’t think so.  Is a nihilist a big fan of the Nile and hates other rivers?  Then how does that work for racism and sexism?  Furthermore, I have never heard anyone say something like, “That 10K beats the fuck out of you goddamn marathoners!”  Or, “Fuck vaginal sex, I prefer handjobs!  Go back to your bedroom, fucking P in V-ers!”

Seeing someone  “So are you two serious?”  “No, I’m seeing someone else.”  “So am I, I have my sight.  What does that have to do with the status of your relationship?”

Blowjob  Sorry, no.  They are a suck job.

Calves  “I did too many leg raises, my calves are sore.”  “Really, I raise too much veal, my calves are also sore.

Chicken fried steak  Does that make grilled chicken “Steak grilled chicken”?

Cellphone  I would like my one phone call please.  Is there a cell phone?  Or, The mitochondria would like to speak to the nucleus on the cellphone.

Gravy boat  No, that is a gravy dish.  A gravy boat would probably be the container ship from China your gravy mix was imported on.

Gravy train  Would you really like to ride that?  I think that would just be disgusting.

Brunch  So then how about linner, or lupper?  Hopefully not Leper.

Birth control  More like birth prevention.  Birth control would be lamaze or an epidural.  Perhaps even a C-section.

Cesarean section  So Cesar was apparently born this way, now we are going to call the surgeries to extract a baby a cesarean, but only one section.  The other section will be called baby having surgery.  We haven’t decided which section gets called what.

Labor day  Also known as the child’s birthday.

Landscaping  Bob Ross was a master at landscaping.

High school  Is this where I would go to become a pilot?  Also, yes, a lot of the kids at my school were high, but do you want to advertise that fact?

Intercourse  I have heard it is better to eat smaller meals, more frequently.  So you’d have breakfast, then an intercourse, then lunch, another intercourse and then dinner.  (Don’t do this on days you eat brunch or linner.)

Scientology  Using the word “science” to reject any scientific logic since its inception.

Mainstream Media  They only report on things happening on the Mississippi.  The other rivers are not the main stream.

Iron Chef  A competition to see who can get the most iron content in the food they cook.

Fox News  Not only are they propaganda instead of news, but I have never seen them cover foxes.  Remember when the Discovery Channel used to do that kind of thing?

Masturbate  Salmon eggs for catching trout is the master bait.  All other bait is inferior.

Burrito  Small donkey.  Literally.

Well my dear reader(s), I hope you enjoyed this window into my head.  If you did not, you can send a complaint letter to Fox News Channel   1211 Avenue of the Americas   New York, NY   10036.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

10 thoughts on “This Guy Wrote A Post, You Won’t Believe What Happened Next…”

  1. I hate blog bait, I also don’t understand (but don’t hate) the need to follow certain guidelines and to want followers, as opposed to readers. There is no way those 10000 followers are “reading” anybody, is there? Boh. strange world that of the blogs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the way your mind works, bloody random! However, I happen to agree with some of the things you mentioned. In the UK we don’t say ‘cell phone’ we say ‘mobile phone’ which to me makes more sense as it is what it says it is!
    Birth control. we tend to say contraception instead, which again makes more sense as you are preventing conception rather than controlling it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, the reason they are called cellphones (from experience, unfortunately) is that each tower creates a cell in the structure of the network. The network is based on cellular sites. And yes, people say contraception here too, but it is much more common to say birth control for some reason.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ugh, I hate those titles! Hate them! When I’m interested in one of them, I tend to read comments to see if it’s worth clicking. And when it’s a slideshow? Fuck that!
    Excellent word gibes, although I must say, we eat both brunch and linner a lot here, but not in the same day!

    Liked by 1 person

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