Hello dear reader(s)!
Today is Thursday, where I am. I only know that because I was talking with a friend yesterday about what my plans would be today. Seriously, that is how little I have been keeping track lately. Normally, this would bother me, but not now. And so I listed off things I would like to get done, only one of which is actually planned. Because except for the things I have to plan, I hate to plan. It has always been a sense I carried, but sometimes I forget to live it when I am busy doing the day-to-day tedium that accompanies paying bills and running errands. However, that sense has always stayed with me. That sense of course is, “Let’s Live For Today”
I have been struggling with how to move forward, but taking sufficient time to grieve. I have been worried that I would mess up one or the other. I have been thinking that I am not even ready for new friendships because of the place I am at in time.
And then last night, (well technically this morning, I guess), I thought about Hannah. I thought about all the plans made. The “when I get healthy”, the “when we have more money”, the “at out 5-year anniversary”, the “when we are in better mental health” types of plans. The plans that never came, and will not come to fruition. I got a little sad, and I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning, with a song stuck in my head that I haven’t heard in a long time. You might know it, it is called “Let’s Live For Today” by The Grass Roots. Then another song jumped right in. “We Can Work It Out” by the Beatles. One of Hannah’s favorite songs. One, I figure was me telling myself not to be concerned with the future. The other, I figure was Hannah telling me that life is too short and things will work out okay. Not hard conclusions to draw, given the lyrics, and how much she loved that song.
It fit right in with a philosophy I had when I was a teenager before the expectations of adulthood beat them down. You would have thought being given a second a chance at life after cancer would have brought that back, but the fears of what could happen because of my immune issues and other complications dug their hooks into me and kept me from doing what I wanted to do.
Hannah’s relatively sudden passing awakened me to just how important it is to squeeze every drop you can out of this life we have to live.
The great thing about deciding just to do what I want, is that unlike a lot of people who decide to do what they want, I will not be selfish about it. This will not be a case of “Whatever, I do what I want!” ala Eric Cartman…no, this will be “I am going to live this life “right up to the hilt” ala Val Kilmer’s portrayal of Doc Holiday in Tombstone. He still helped his friend. He lived, but he cared about people in the process. At least in the movie. While life isn’t a movie, the idealized characters can set a good example of the humanity we are all capable of. While life isn’t a song, the art created from life is certainly a reflection of it.
I am now beginning a journey down a road I have never been on. I do not know where it will lead. I have seen a few signs along the way that makes me think it is a good road to be on, but I do not know what will be at the end of it. I don’t mind not knowing, because I am enjoying the trip. If it dead ends, I’ll just back up and turn at the nearest intersection, or maybe I will just go off the road into the wilderness.
All of our lives are unknown roads. Even if you have been on the same road a million times, anything can happen on that road. You might see a friend walking along it in need of a ride. You might meet a great love in the next car over at a stoplight. You might get plowed into and killed by a speeding driver who ran that light at the intersection. You might fall asleep at the wheel and accidentally hurt someone else. Hopefully, you have a smooth drive. But even on the roads you know, you still don’t really know.
The only thing I am certain of, is that you never get anywhere if you are unwilling to take the journey because you are too afraid of what could happen. So…
“Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
And don’t worry ’bout tomorrow, hey, hey, hey
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
Live for today”