Hello dear reader(s)!

Does anybody know how to do this serious grief thing?  Is there a class on it?  Can I fit in between memorial planning, my psychiatrist appointment, my oncologist appointment, and planning travel to get the hell away from here in the near future?  It has been a little over a week since I lost Hannah and already I am feeling like I should run away.  Is that normal?  Is it disparaging to her memory?

The thing about Hannah, is that I know she would want me to live.  She would, I know for a fact.  So how early can I, and should I start trying again?  Hannah was the light of my life, but she is gone now.  I am trying to find the light within myself instead of seeking it from someone else.  I tried really hard not to become dependent on her for my happiness, but when you have a 3 year battle with cancer, have gone septic 4 times, had a whole host of other complications, and had someone like Hannah keeping you going when all you wanted was for it to stop; it is kind of hard not to.

Then there is companionship,  While I am certainly not looking to date anytime soon, the fact is that I am only 37.  I lost my wife of exactly 3 years, with another 2 years and 10 months tacked on while we weren’t married but were very much together.  In the grand scheme of things, that is not a very long time.  And I am not a person who likes to be alone.  I like having someone I can share myself with, and my goofiness, love for Halloween and Christmas, cooking together, and all the things one does with someone they enjoy being with.  So do I set a hard time limit, or just allow things to happen?  Setting an arbitrary time limit seems odd to me, especially considering how fragile life is, but I don’t want to disrespect her memory or rush into something for comfort either.

And then what to say to anyone who might find me appealing?  How do I let someone know if that should ever happen that I will always carry Hannah in my heart even if I should develop real feelings for that person?  That doesn’t seem fair to the other person, does it?  Not that it is an immediate concern or anything, but what if that day should come?  I am also not a comparison person, never have been, but still, knowing that I had such love with Hannah, and always will have love for Hannah…seems a little off.

This is not like some breakup, where I would know exactly what to do.  If it were a breakup, I would temporarily hate that person, so I could go out and have meaningless flings for the number of months I was with that person in years; then I would slow down and open myself up for feelings while simultaneously ceasing to hate that person.  That shit is easy.  But I can’t hate Hannah.  I wouldn’t want to hate Hannah.  We were very close, and very much in love all the way up until the end.

Then there is the packing up of things.  I have gone through chunks, but some are too hard to take down, put away, or box up for friends and family or donation.  Some pictures still stare at me from the wall.  I can’t bring myself to take them down, but I can’t look at them either.  I had to get pictures of her off various devices for the slide show we will be putting together for her memorial, and it just about killed me.  The whole day afterward was a fog.

After the memorial, I am going to try to travel, I think.  Just get away a little.  Clear my mind.  That all depends entirely upon my financial situation, but it is a goal.

The long and short of this is that I am trying hard to move forward (not on), but I don’t know how.  Does anyone?  The closest people I’ve lost before have been friends, grandparents, and pets.  This is absolutely different and I just don’t know how to do it.

I would probably stay stuck, but I know Hannah wouldn’t want that.  So I will move forward, if I can figure out how.  Any ideas?


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

51 thoughts on “Forward”

  1. First, there is no time limit on grief. How one deals with it and processes through it, is completely individual. You’ve been following my blog, you know I use it to deal with my sister’s death. Anyone who walks into your future, takes the time to get to know you, decides to make you important in their life, will understand why Hanna will always remain in yours. When you are ready, you will begin to function in some state of normality. When will that happen? No one will know but you. For me, the beginning days were a battle. “Why?” was the plaguing question. When I couldn’t make it a day, I shot for making it an hour. Don’t force yourself to do anything. Give yourself time to adjust to this change. Allow yourself to accept your feelings; it’s ok, they are your feelings after all. I’m no shrink, but I’m only a few keyboard strokes away if you feel like chatting.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Grief is personal and you will need to measure how long you want to mourn. Living again will come in time. The best advice I can give you is take things one day at a time and don’t be afraid to be emotional when you need to. Surround yourself with people who will love and support and understand you. Grace and peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Josh I do not know what to say to you,as I have no personal experience here, but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. I do not believe that there is a time limit on grief or indeed trying to live life again. You are always going to love Hannah and remember the special times that you shared together. I am sure that when the time comes for you to date again, you will still have that corner of your heart where Hannah lives, and most women would understand that .

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You didn’t. I’m sorry if it came off that way. I know that rationally, but not in my heart, so I was just saying maybe I’ll use that as a barometer for when I am ready. I actually really appreciated the comment, because it helped clarify something in my mind.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ok one question at a time
    Does anybody know how to do this serious grief thing?
    ^ Let’s start here with some things I’ve learned both dealing myself and helping others…
    1) Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
    2) Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
    3) Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
    4) There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.
    Is there a class on it?
    ^ No but a psychiatrist can help, close friends, opening up. Different things work for different people. Just keep nudging things and see what works. Unfortunately it will hurt more before it hurts less. Also it will get better and hurt less in time. Don’t rush it because the bigger the lose personally the deeper the wound.
    Can I fit in between memorial planning, my psychiatrist appointment, my oncologist appointment, and planning travel to get the hell away from here in the near future?
    ^ Yes sometimes some alone time is good. Many psychiatrists are willing to do phone appointments when you need to get away. Is there anywhere you find peace? It there someplace that just brings you peace of mind? For me it’s surfing. Maybe a short escape to someplace you’ve always felt peace.
    It has been a little over a week since I lost Hannah and already I am feeling like I should run away. Is that normal?
    ^ Yes, feeling you can’t bear it or a need to flee is perfectly normal. It’s not healthy to run for too long or to run thinking you can forget. But an escape to change the mood or setting is more than acceptable and very normal.
    Is it disparaging to her memory?
    ^ Are you bad mouthing her? No? Then no you aren’t disparaging her in anyway. Tell family “I just need to be alone where it’s safe to hurt and to feel.” It is normal to need to hurt alone for a time before you can face friends and family. It also doesn’t mean they will understand. Everyone handles grief differently.
    So how early can I, and should I start trying again?
    ^ Trying for? New love? When you are ready you will know. If you mean trying just to move to a place of peace for yourself then now is more than soon enough.
    As for not being dependent on others we are social creatures. Humans are meant to lean on others, to laugh and love. All this is normal. Don’t rush it and allow yourself to grieve now. When you feel you’ve come to peace inside then decide for yourself if it’s time. How can you be part of a whole while you’re hurting and in pieces? You wouldn’t know if you fit with the other person or not. You won’t know the difference between another Hannah and Annie Wilkes of Misery fame. You want a partner, an equal. You can’t find that without the puzzle of you being complete enough to know it works when placed against another puzzle.
    So do I set a hard time limit, or just allow things to happen?
    ^ Allow things to progress on their own schedule. You will know when it’s right just don’t force it. Listen to your own words here: “Setting an arbitrary time limit seems odd to me, especially considering how fragile life is, but I don’t want to disrespect her memory or rush into something for comfort either.”
    And then what to say to anyone who might find me appealing?
    ^ Only you have this answer.
    How do I let someone know if that should ever happen that I will always carry Hannah in my heart even if I should develop real feelings for that person?
    ^ Anyone who doesn’t understand this really just isn’t worth your time to be honest.
    That doesn’t seem fair to the other person, does it?
    ^ Sure it is. Just don’t compare them to Hannah. Don’t say but Hannah would have done this, Hannah was better than you, ect.. But the fact you love her and always will should show the next Misses right that you can love strongly and you will love them strongly. I see nothing wrong with that.
    Not that it is an immediate concern or anything, but what if that day should come?
    ^ Take it when it comes and no sooner. Focus on the here and now my friend. The day will come when this question NEEDS to be answered. But at the moment you are busy grieving and this is not a question needing an answer just yet.
    “I am also not a comparison person, never have been, but still, knowing that I had such love with Hannah, and always will have love for Hannah…seems a little off.”
    ^ There is NOTHING off about this. You can’t stop loving people. I love my grandpa Mato and always will. He will live in my heart as part of me. Carrying Hannah in your heart keeps her alive in you. That is the best way to honor those who pass before us.
    “But I can’t hate Hannah. I wouldn’t want to hate Hannah. We were very close, and very much in love all the way up until the end.”
    ^ Don’t hate her. You are upset she is passed but that is 100% normal. You can’t turn it off. But like a break up in time the pain will slow and you will find more joy in life. To love someone makes us vulnerable. Right now you are feeling that and it’s ok. Cry, scream, yell, punch something, it’s all normal. Let it out.
    That fog is normal. Now as for travel. Someplace inexpensive can also be nice. A camping trip, fishing trip, a hiking trip, swimming, the beach, something you enjoy. Clearing your mind is the best thing you can do to help let it out.
    The long and short of this is that I am trying hard to move forward (not on), but I don’t know how. Does anyone?
    ^ No. No one has a magic wand that can answer this for you. The best I can do is tell you don’t hold it in. That always seems to cause more pain for a longer time.
    The closest people I’ve lost before have been friends, grandparents, and pets. This is absolutely different and I just don’t know how to do it.
    ^ It is the same and different. Different because each person and each relationship is different and the same because it’s lose. I understand many loses are more profound than others. I won’t pretend to know how you feel. What I do know is everyone struggles with these same issues and the more profound the lose the deeper the struggle.
    So I will move forward, if I can figure out how. Any ideas?
    ^ To move forward you need to reconcile the feelings for Hannah, the guilt you feel being left behind (guilt hmm I think is right word), the desire to move on and her wishes for you. She would want the best for you as you would for her. In time you will reconcile all your feelings and find a way to move forward while holding the best of the past close to your heart.
    Don’t rush it and allow yourself to hurt. It’s ok to ask all these questions just don’t force them because they will work themselves out as you figure it out.
    I’m sorry I’ve no words for your lose nor can I imagine the pain so my hugs will need to do. I also refuse to “like” such a sad post. I like your purpose but not your obvious pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The five stages of grief:

    Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

    Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

    Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

    Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

    Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

    Only when you find peace will your roller coaster ride be over. You will be ready then to look and hopefully find another soul as special as Hannah. Don’t rush hoping to get to Acceptance because you may fall prey to regression later. Don’t rush another relationship too quickly. It wouldn’t be fair to you or her because she wouldn’t get to see the wonderful and incredible person Hannah feel in love with. If she gets to see that she will understand why you keep Hannah with you and she will understand you’ll keep her the same way. That my friend is a very special bond.

    Remember also the physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

    Watch for them my friend they can be very harmful mentally when they manifest. Please take care of yourself and yes I know it’s hard but promise you’ll try ok?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I am trying. Forcing myself to eat though nothing sounds good. Exercising a lot because it makes me feel good. Trying to take better care of myself. And no, I’m not looking for a relationship, just trying not to be closed to anything down the road either.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just deal with today my friend. One day, one step at a time and you’ll find you’ve moved forward naturally all along the way.

        grandpa Mato shared this one of his final letters.

        “I life we all want to be happy. Remember that there is no rainbow without the rain.”

        You will bask in the sun again and Hannah will be the rainbow in your heart. Right now there are darkened clouds and rains. But they will pass.


        Liked by 1 person

  6. I still…I know it sounds odd, Josh, but I’m so affected by your loss of Hannah. There isn’t a timeline. There is only one way to deal with grief and that’s by grieving.
    My only suggestion is that a support group, or if you’d rather not be present, an online forum for the bereaved would be good. Not that we’re not all here for you, because we are. I think there are even groups dedicated specifically to those who lost a spouse.
    Be wary of depression, because Hannah was your sun. If you feel it’s getting too dark, please seek help.
    Traveling is an awesome idea. Escape sounds natural to me. I think that’s what I’d want.
    There isn’t a right or wrong way to do things. It’s a really good time to follow your gut.
    Again, I am so deeply sorry. My words just aren’t enough, I know.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Here are things from my Psychiatry book. Though to be honest it’s merely a guide with suggestions but these were important.

    “Take care of yourself

    When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

    Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

    Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.

    Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

    Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

    Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.”

    I think the scrapbook is an excellent idea for those pictures you want to keep, those things she gave you to put them away. In time you’ll enjoy looking back and remembering. Also the planning ahead thing is wise advice and something I forgot to tell you.

    Here are some other ideas from my book.

    “Using social media for support
    Memorial pages on Facebook and other social media sites have become popular ways to inform a wide audience of a loved one’s passing and to reach out for support. As well as allowing you to impart practical information, such as funeral plans, these pages allow friends and loved ones to post their own tributes or condolences. Reading such messages can often provide some comfort for those grieving the loss.

    Of course, posting sensitive content on social media has its risks as well. Memorial pages are often open to anyone with a Facebook account. This may encourage people who hardly knew the deceased to post well-meaning but inappropriate comments or advice. Worse, memorial pages can also attract internet trolls. There have been many well-publicized cases of strangers posting cruel or abusive messages on Facebook memorial pages.

    To gain some protection, you can opt to create a closed group on Facebook rather than a public page, which means people have to be approved by a group member before they can access the memorial. It’s also important to remember that while social media can be a useful tool for reaching out to others, it can’t replace the face-to-face connection and support you need at this time.”

    One more important thing from the book.

    “When grief doesn’t go away

    It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry following a loss. But as time passes, these emotions should become less intense as you accept the loss and start to move forward. If you aren’t feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign that your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or major depression.

    Complicated grief

    The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief . Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.

    Symptoms of complicated grief include:

    Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
    Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one
    Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
    Imagining that your loved one is alive
    Searching for the person in familiar places
    Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
    Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
    Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
    The difference between grief and depression

    Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.

    Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:

    Intense, pervasive sense of guilt
    Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying
    Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
    Slow speech and body movements
    Inability to function at work, home, and/or school
    Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there
    Can antidepressants help grief?
    As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process.

    When to seek professional help for grief

    If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.

    Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist or psychiatrist if you:

    Feel like life isn’t worth living
    Wish you had died with your loved one
    Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
    Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
    Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
    Are unable to perform your normal daily activities”

    I did find some useful things for you on the AARP site: it says all the things you’ve been told here by your friends. But it confirms for you we’re right. Hope to have been some help my friend.

    Sorry I seem to have taken over your comments section I’ll shut up now. Sorry I didn’t mean to but I want to be any help I can be. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Grief is something you have to go through and it sucks. There is no ‘right’ way and there are no rules. Did I mention it just sucks?

    But the coping is usually the part that is the most difficult… and for many really good reasons. Fortunately there are many ways to address this part. If you find you are not able to cope very well, then please seek professional direction… counselling that produces effects tailored to you and your situation that are direct, measurable, and attainable. That is to say, actually helpful. If you can cope well then the grieving process can unfurl as it must.

    I am impressed how often you use the “What would Hannah think?” method as a means to evaluate your thinking while keeping her an important and meaningful part of your ongoing life. This is very healthy and honourable and will help you to cope immeasurably as time goes on.

    I think you’re going to be okay. It just sucks to be you right now and everyone who loves you knows this even if they have trouble or discomfort expressing their sympathy for you… something they need to do even if done really badly. Someday, you’ll be surprised it doesn’t suck to be you and I hope that day is sooner than later.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve lost many different people, from family, to friends, but not a partner, a soulmate, so I don’t want so say something flippantly, but as others have said, grief is personal. There is no manual. You need to work through the stages… At the speed that you need. Some get through things sooner, some take a long time. You are young, yes, and Hannah probably wouldn’t want you to wallow forever… But, take your time. Go, travel, once you have got the formalities done. Take Hannah with you in your heart, and when she is whispering in your ear like the best friend she was, and not your wife, you know the moving on time is here.
    But in the mean time, do what you need to, to try and get to acceptance.
    Thinking of you …

    Liked by 1 person

  10. The words you wrote about wondering whether to tell a new person about your love for Hannah should not be an obstacle for someone who truly loves you. Surely they would understand. If it were me, I would wholeheartedly expect that you would still always love Hannah without any questions asked. Wanted to give you Hugs at this difficult time for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Remember that what just happened was traumatic, take all the time you need to feel however you feel. It’s not a disservice to her memory to take care of your emotional health. I understand the urge to run away, and your desire to move on for her sake, but take a long pause to really identify with your grief. When it’s time to move on, you’ll know. One day at a time.

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  12. There is no way not to grieve, but it helped me to have a yardstick. Today, I went ten minutes without pan. Today I went two hours without being sad. One day I thought, “It used to make me so mad when….” that seemed like real progress. I realized I wasn’t idealizing anymore. That felt good. For about six months I felt like I had a weight on my chest. After that, every day it got better. After a couple of years, I was ready to live again. Don’t believe you’ll never be happy again. You will if you try. Life will be good again, just different. Go after it.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Josh, I am so sorry. Everything you’re describing seems completely normal. You’ve received excellent advice so I’ll just add a couple thoughts: as other have mentioned, this is a very personal journey. You may experience more or less or none of what others experience. You also know what’s normal for you, so stay in touch with your feelings and thoughts. If you motice yourself veering off course or lingering too long in dark places or suffocating from the air around you, then do seek out the assistance of professionals. I’ve also found that the process isn’t always linear. You may experience recognized ‘stages’ but they may overlap or circle back on themselves. You may also feel thay you’re losing your mind. If that happens, you’re probably not…but just in case, stay aware. Let yourself feel what you feel, find outlets, take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.
    I hope this helps a bit. My thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad that you’re getting help, Josh. It’s a terrible thing to feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re doing everything right in terms of looking after yourself so you will be okay. What’s unbearable now will become more manageable. Go easy on yourself in the process.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Josh you and Hannah have a lot of people just online who care about you. Grief even when you expect it is horrible to go through. Everyone is right we all grief differently but pretty much go through all the steps. I lost my son 7 years ago at the age of eleven and I still have moments when I will cry but life does go on . My advice is try to do what makes you happy and it does get easier. My father in law went into a relationship about two mths after mom in law passed and they are happy. You will know what works for you. Life is for the living. Cry, laugh, rant and rave but just remember to live. Take care Josh …you always have friends here to listen and right now that is what you need people to listen


  15. Oh Josh, I have thought about you throughout this past week. Remember, everything you do in a day is a triumph at the moment. A shower, dressing, forcing yourself to eat. A trip away may be a good thing soon. Sending so much love. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi Josh! I can’t answer your questions, because I am fortunate enough never to have experiences anything even remotely similar to what you have. I think the most important thing in all this – as many have mentioned before me – take your own time; there is no right or wrong way to go about doing this except for celebrating the memories of Hannah.
    I can help you with the travel thing. Have you heard of CouchSurfing or BeWelcome or any of those kinds of websites where you essentially get good company and a place to sleep when travelling? They are a great way to travel and you won’t be alone. Please feel free if you want to know more about it. I have done heaps of travelling that way, so happy to help 🙂
    Be safe.


  17. I wish I knew. I don’t understand how to move forward. The only thing I can ever think of is to literally move forward–put one foot in front of the other until time does its job and the pain becomes less as more moments pass, until eventually it’s never gone, but somehow more manageable. And travel is a great idea–putting yourself in a different environment I think will be a nice change of pace and hopefully aid in the healing process.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. No time frames. You will be okay some days, not okay others. You’ll hit stages that will last weeks, months, years, and then suddenly you’ll go back to a different stage of grieving. You’ll think you’re okay, and then something will wallop you. And then you’ll think nothing will ever be okay again and suddenly it, and life will give you a gift. And don’t sweat the whole dating thing. When you’re ready, it’ll happen. And when it does, you’ll still hold Hannah in your heart, and if it’s the right girl, she won’t be threatened by that. For now, I think the idea of travel is a great idea. It’ll give you space and breathing room. And don’t feel pressured to clear everything out ASAP. Wait. You don’t know what you will and won’t want in the future when you’re in the mind numbiness you’re experiencing in the immediate aftermath of her death. Take your time. There are no deadlines for grief. Just be open to the love everyone is pouring your way.

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