Hello dear reader(s)!
Does anybody know how to do this serious grief thing? Is there a class on it? Can I fit in between memorial planning, my psychiatrist appointment, my oncologist appointment, and planning travel to get the hell away from here in the near future? It has been a little over a week since I lost Hannah and already I am feeling like I should run away. Is that normal? Is it disparaging to her memory?
The thing about Hannah, is that I know she would want me to live. She would, I know for a fact. So how early can I, and should I start trying again? Hannah was the light of my life, but she is gone now. I am trying to find the light within myself instead of seeking it from someone else. I tried really hard not to become dependent on her for my happiness, but when you have a 3 year battle with cancer, have gone septic 4 times, had a whole host of other complications, and had someone like Hannah keeping you going when all you wanted was for it to stop; it is kind of hard not to.
Then there is companionship, While I am certainly not looking to date anytime soon, the fact is that I am only 37. I lost my wife of exactly 3 years, with another 2 years and 10 months tacked on while we weren’t married but were very much together. In the grand scheme of things, that is not a very long time. And I am not a person who likes to be alone. I like having someone I can share myself with, and my goofiness, love for Halloween and Christmas, cooking together, and all the things one does with someone they enjoy being with. So do I set a hard time limit, or just allow things to happen? Setting an arbitrary time limit seems odd to me, especially considering how fragile life is, but I don’t want to disrespect her memory or rush into something for comfort either.
And then what to say to anyone who might find me appealing? How do I let someone know if that should ever happen that I will always carry Hannah in my heart even if I should develop real feelings for that person? That doesn’t seem fair to the other person, does it? Not that it is an immediate concern or anything, but what if that day should come? I am also not a comparison person, never have been, but still, knowing that I had such love with Hannah, and always will have love for Hannah…seems a little off.
This is not like some breakup, where I would know exactly what to do. If it were a breakup, I would temporarily hate that person, so I could go out and have meaningless flings for the number of months I was with that person in years; then I would slow down and open myself up for feelings while simultaneously ceasing to hate that person. That shit is easy. But I can’t hate Hannah. I wouldn’t want to hate Hannah. We were very close, and very much in love all the way up until the end.
Then there is the packing up of things. I have gone through chunks, but some are too hard to take down, put away, or box up for friends and family or donation. Some pictures still stare at me from the wall. I can’t bring myself to take them down, but I can’t look at them either. I had to get pictures of her off various devices for the slide show we will be putting together for her memorial, and it just about killed me. The whole day afterward was a fog.
After the memorial, I am going to try to travel, I think. Just get away a little. Clear my mind. That all depends entirely upon my financial situation, but it is a goal.
The long and short of this is that I am trying hard to move forward (not on), but I don’t know how. Does anyone? The closest people I’ve lost before have been friends, grandparents, and pets. This is absolutely different and I just don’t know how to do it.
I would probably stay stuck, but I know Hannah wouldn’t want that. So I will move forward, if I can figure out how. Any ideas?