Dearest Sweetness, (I’d say Hannah, but I know you would just respond with, “Don’t call me by my government name!”)
Despite what my incoherent crying and wailing would have led you to believe, yesterday was not in fact, the worst day of my life. That you somehow managed to end your suffering on our wedding anniversary tells me that you either wanted me to be able to say, “We were married three years,” instead of, “We were married almost three years,” or perhaps you knew that I had actually lost you Wednesday when you became non-responsive and were giving me the gift of no longer having to see you struggle. Either way, it just shows me how much you loved me. It will make me able to remember our anniversary as a good day at some point in the future instead of such a terrible day. Thank you for that gift.
I miss you so much. You were everything a person should strive to be. Your kindness to everyone, your selflessness, everything about you was legendary. I promise you I will do everything in my power to spread your legend and ensure your amazing heart is never forgotten.
I don’t why things went downhill so fast, but I think maybe the damage was too great, and your will alone fooled people into believing that you had the ability to recover. I am glad I was able to let you know how much I loved you, and that my love for you will last the ages. I am glad we lived that love. I am glad that you understood my love for you is unconditional.
I do not want to live without you, but I know that you were so selfless that when I was battling my cancer and complications, you did not fight for me for you; you fought for me for me. I tried so hard to do the same for you. I am sorry it was a fight we could not win. Please know I tried with every ounce of strength that I had. I would love nothing more than to leave this world and take away this pain, but I know you would never forgive me, and so I will live this life the best I can until we meet again.
You know I have never been very religious, but I know the exact second your soul left your body and the shell ceased to function. Wherever you are, I know you are in a better place and your pain is over now. I thank you for going peacefully, while I was by your side, instead of waiting for me to be out of the room.
It will be a long time before I am okay, and I will never stop loving you. The pain will be there until we meet again, in some alternate universe, or Heaven, or whatever it is. Perhaps, because of time and space being a mere illusion; where you are, we are already together without challenge. Maybe I just can’t feel it here.
So I don’t want you to worry about me. I will struggle, and I hate this; but I will keep going for you. I will manage to get by somehow. I have a lot of support from my family and yours, and all of our friends. Friends who loved you so much, they let me into their world. You added so much to my life in the 3 years we were married; and 5 years, 10 months we were together. My devotion to you is unshakable, even as you are no longer in this world.
I think the taos understand, they have been extra lovey and Piedmont even laid her head on my shoulder when I picked her up and cried once we got home yesterday.
I think of the light you brought to not only my life, but the lives of so many others. The zoo that was your hospital room in the final days was not just because you have a huge family, but because you touched so many lives. So many of those people were friends. Some people just met you once or twice and because of your amazing personality, loved you from the start.
The last nurse said about all of the people in to see you in those last days, “She must have been a very great person. You can tell how someone lived by how they die.”
There is no doubt that the world is a far darker place without you in it, but we will soldier on; because that is what we do.
I will love you, forever, and ever, and always. You will always be my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.
With all that I am,