An Open Letter To My Wife

Dearest Sweetness, (I’d say Hannah, but I know you would just respond with, “Don’t call me by my government name!”)

Despite what my incoherent crying and wailing would have led you to believe, yesterday was not in fact, the worst day of my life.  That you somehow managed to end your suffering on our wedding anniversary tells me that you either wanted me to be able to say, “We were married three years,” instead of, “We were married almost three years,” or perhaps you knew that I had actually lost you Wednesday when you became non-responsive and were giving me the gift of no longer having to see you struggle.  Either way, it just shows me how much you loved me.  It will make me able to remember our anniversary as a good day at some point in the future instead of such a terrible day.  Thank you for that gift.

I miss you so much.  You were everything a person should strive to be.  Your kindness to everyone, your selflessness, everything about you was legendary.  I promise you I will do everything in my power to spread your legend and ensure your amazing heart is never forgotten.

I don’t why things went downhill so fast, but I think maybe the damage was too great, and your will alone fooled people into believing that you had the ability to recover.  I am glad I was able to let you know how much I loved you, and that my love for you will last the ages.  I am glad we lived that love.  I am glad that you understood my love for you is unconditional.

I do not want to live without you, but I know that you were so selfless that when I was battling my cancer and complications, you did not fight for me for you; you fought for me for me.  I tried so hard to do the same for you.  I am sorry it was a fight we could not win.  Please know I tried with every ounce of strength that I had.  I would love nothing more than to leave this world and take away this pain, but I know you would never forgive me, and so I will live this life the best I can until we meet again.

You know I have never been very religious, but I know the exact second your soul left your body and the shell ceased to function.  Wherever you are, I know you are in a better place and your pain is over now.  I thank you for going peacefully, while I was by your side, instead of waiting for me to be out of the room.

It will be a long time before I am okay, and I will never stop loving you.  The pain will be there until we meet again, in some alternate universe, or Heaven, or whatever it is.  Perhaps, because of time and space being a mere illusion; where you are, we are already together without challenge.  Maybe I just can’t feel it here.

So I don’t want you to worry about me.  I will struggle, and I hate this; but I will keep going for you.  I will manage to get by somehow.  I have a lot of support from my family and yours, and all of our friends.  Friends who loved you so much, they let me into their world.  You added so much to my life in the 3 years we were married; and 5 years, 10 months we were together.  My devotion to you is unshakable, even as you are no longer in this world.

I think the taos understand, they have been extra lovey and Piedmont even laid her head on my shoulder when I picked her up and cried once we got home yesterday.

I think of the light you brought to not only my life, but the lives of so many others.  The zoo that was your hospital room in the final days was not just because you have a huge family, but because you touched so many lives.  So many of those people were friends.  Some people just met you once or twice and because of your amazing personality, loved you from the start.

The last nurse said about all of the people in to see you in those last days, “She must have been a very great person.  You can tell how someone lived by how they die.”

There is no doubt that the world is a far darker place without you in it, but we will soldier on; because that is what we do.

I will love you, forever, and ever, and always.  You will always be my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.

With all that I am,

Your Mister

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

96 thoughts on “An Open Letter To My Wife”

  1. I am so sorry Josh… My thoughts are with you. Hannah was a special woman, and we can only hope she is at peace now, not in pain, or suffering.
    Thinking of you josh, stay strong. (((Hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know what to say. I haven’t been reading your blog long, but I come to look forward to seeing it and looking at the pictures of you and your lovely wife. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so beautiful and my heart is broken. I can’t find the words to express what I want to express to you. I’m so sorry, and I know that saying I’m sorry doesn’t even begin to help–but sending you lots of love and support and good thoughts, and am in awe of your strength. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I didn’t know your wife or you. I too lost someone my brother to cancer. His pastor told me, think of 3 M’ s Mystery = why? Morning period= how long? & Memories = it’s been 7 years I finally think about good times..bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry about your brother. Cancer is terrible, I am still dealing with my own cancer’s aftermath. She died in a much different way, but she helped me get through mine and without her, I don’t think I would be here.

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  5. Josh without a doubt, Your sweetness, Hannah has passed too soon and you are facing a devastating sadness. I hope that as you deal with the immense grief you must be feeling that there are times when you can remember the joyous times with Hannah find time to smile in her memory and though mourning her loss, celebrate her life and the love you had together and the wonderful person she was.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. I remember you mentioning that “Home” was one of your favorite songs as a couple. It is one of my personal favorites and it makes me think of the two of you whenever it comes up in my playlist. I wish there was something more significant I could say besides “I’m sorry.” I wish there was something that could actually help. I have no idea how hard this must be for you right now. I can honestly say that you have friends here that care.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry, Josh. From the way you talk about her, I know that she was such a beautiful person. It broke my heart to hear the news. I am so sorry. I don’t know what else to say that would make you feel better. But, we’re here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. From a woman who has lost 2 children and a very dear sibling, I will say grieve it out as much as possible and I’ll fervently hope someday it gets better. That the grieving be concluded by a fond memory. A life partner oh no, I don’t know what else to say.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my gosh! I just now saw this. I am really really sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful letter. I hope you keep writing and blogging. I think it will heal you and make you an even stronger person than you already are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. my heart goes out to you, and I do know and understand what you went through losing her, it’s been just 7 months since I lost my wife to Cancer, we were married 18 wonderful years , I want you to know that you inspire me and give me hope that life does go on and perhaps gets a bit easier to dope with, hang in there , you’ll be at her side again one day for all eternity.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Josh, I just stopped by to read your blog, having met you on mine, and came right to this post….I am so, so sorry that Hannah’s pain took her away from you…reading your letter helped me, because many times, most days, I have to remind myself how devastated my son would be, if I left…and yet, sometimes I get frustrated that I have to stay here for him. I know he’d forgive me, because he’s watched me suffer all his 30 years, but he’s still my kid….I’m glad you have lots of friends and family to grieve with you and be with you. Sending love and blessings from a stranger…no, I won’t say “stranger.” Rather, “Someone you’ve never met.”

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Seriously when you told me tonight I felt like a punch to my stomach. I as just telling a friend this past weekend about your awesome blog, and your totally amazing wife! I had no idea, and again I’m so incredibly sorry. It is important we live on for our loved ones. I lost a good friend this weekend but each time I began to find myself grieving I could hear his thick french accent, “Don’t you fucking cry over me, you better party your ass off!”

    Like

  13. “So sorry” doesn’t cut it. It’s just we don’t know what else to say. So because those words could never do justice to what you went through, I will just share your broken heart and bear witness to your journey with this beautiful woman.

    Liked by 1 person

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