Warning, the jokes I make in here may be taken by some as offensive. They are jokes, even if there is some truth in their telling. If that isn’t your thing, I get it, but please move along.
Hello dear reader(s)!
Today, for the first time since I started this blog-type-thing I found myself struggling with what to write about. Not because I don’t have any ideas or thoughts to get out, not because I am worried what anyone might think, not because of writer’s block; but because I am seriously and utterly depressed and I do not want my grey view on everything to color my words with a “meh” kind of feel.
In order to cheer myself up I watched a couple of YouTube videos of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight, which of course made me laugh, but also kind of brought me down because, while I love those shows, they are very good at bringing to light the worst in humanity and a negative world view which is what I am attempting to snap myself out of. I need reasons for wanting to stay on this planet, not reasons why I wouldn’t be too upset if an asteroid decided the Earth looked like a good place to merge with.
Asteroid A: Gee Asteroid B, I know you are a fan of Jupiter, but that storm looks like an eye and just kind of freaks me out. What about that pretty blue-green one with all the smoke coming out of it?
Asteroid B: What, Earth? Earth is SO a few eras ago. Earth hasn’t been in since the fucking dinosaurs!
Asteroid A: We could bring it back, like platform shoes in the 90’s!
Asteroid B: Whatever, trendsetter, I’m taking my talents to Jupiter’s Beach. Have fun in Nowhereville!
Asteroid A: Fuck you then, I just will.
But let’s get serious for a moment? Do I really want all living things over a certain mass to be wiped off the face of the planet, including me? No. I just want all the stupid people and people who decide to hurt other people wiped off the planet so the rest of us can party it up. And yes, I do recognize the irony in saying that I want people who decide to hurt other people to be wiped out, which would most likely hurt them. I do see my hypocrisy there, Mother Teresa, so thanks for pointing it out. While you’re doing so, perhaps you can set down your bible for a second and stop jerking off to Leviticus.
So faced with this cynicism that I abhor in myself, I seriously considered stepping away from the computer, placing my hands on top of my head, and walking backward toward the sound of my own voices projected as imaginary cops behind me, guns drawn and ready to fire should I “resist” by calling them racist.
I kept searching the tubes and nets of Inter for something -anything that I could write about that wouldn’t make me come off as the bitter, angry, cynical bastard that I have been turned into through the power of the dark side. How does the line go? “Leia…Who’s your daddy?” Something like that anyway.
Searching my “newsfeed” on the book of fake faces, I came across something that spoke to me. It was as if the clouds parted, a light shined down from my monitor, and basked me in the loving glow of an inspirational Josh. A kind, benevolent Josh that wishes for all people to be happy, unless those people are either mean or too stupid to function, and then those people should be smited. Wouldn’t that be smitten? But that changes the meaning there. Oh, no, it is smote. All this time I thought that smote was a combination of smoke and soot, ala smog…but I digress. The point is, that a tiny little article, a “trending topic” on my “newsfeed” (if you need an explanation as to why I keep using quotation marks around newsfeed then this post might be about you) saved me from turning completely cynical about everything.
Because, as much hate as we who try to use our brains for reasoning and problem solving are mocked and marginalized in this society, as much as the stupid and mean people seem to be winning in so many ways, as much those people parade around with their ass implants, collagen lips, frosted tips, AR-15’s, wife-beaters, and flag lapel pins…sometimes…just sometimes…they get theirs.
Now I don’t believe in karma. If there was karma, then Dick Cheney would be being waterboarded while having pureed food shoved up his ass through a tube placed into him by a gay, black, socialist, atheist.
However, it is nice to know that sometimes bad shit doesn’t just happen to the innocent and undeserving. It is nice to know that, on occasion, somebody’s stupidity results in the prevention of that person’s genetic material from being spread like the virus it is, further infringing on the happiness of those who choose to exercise the reasoning portion of their brains.
You see, on my “newsfeed” was a story, what may seem like a tragic event to some, and certainly would have been for his family. (I’d add friends to that, but they were probably standing around cheering him on and feeding him more drinks as he committed his final atrocity against intelligence.) This story was about a 22-year-old man, whom I can only assume was known affectionately as “Bro” to his friends…this bro decided it would be a good idea to place a mortar (big firework…essentially a real mortar but with different chemicals added for color) on top of his head. After placing it on top of his head, Bro decided it would be funny to launch that mortar off of his head. Apparently Bro did not understand the physics of a mortar and somehow believed this would be something funny to do. Bro was right, it was funny…for everyone reading about it. For Bro, he never got the chance to laugh about it, because, as I hope you dear reader(s) had already assumed…Bro died instantly.
I hate to laugh at death. I do. If this was a suicide where somebody just decided that they had enough of the pain they feel in this world, I would think it was a tragic situation. If it was simply an accident balancing the dangerous with the fun, I would be very sad. Life is not meant to play it safe, so sometimes, you take risks to have fun. I get that. But that is not what happened. What happened, was that someone who obviously did not have the basic mental capacity to ever contribute anything useful to the world, was summarily excommunicated from it by his own idiocy.
And as I read this, a smile spread across my face. I forgot my troubles for a brief moment in time. I even…(just for a second…don’t think I’m a monster)…forgot about 9/11. I know, I know, I said I’d never forget. I’m a terrible person. But hey…at least I didn’t ruin the 4th of July for a lot of people by firing an explosive off of my head, did I?