An Open Letter To My Wife

Dearest Sweetness, (I’d say Hannah, but I know you would just respond with, “Don’t call me by my government name!”)

Despite what my incoherent crying and wailing would have led you to believe, yesterday was not in fact, the worst day of my life.  That you somehow managed to end your suffering on our wedding anniversary tells me that you either wanted me to be able to say, “We were married three years,” instead of, “We were married almost three years,” or perhaps you knew that I had actually lost you Wednesday when you became non-responsive and were giving me the gift of no longer having to see you struggle.  Either way, it just shows me how much you loved me.  It will make me able to remember our anniversary as a good day at some point in the future instead of such a terrible day.  Thank you for that gift.

I miss you so much.  You were everything a person should strive to be.  Your kindness to everyone, your selflessness, everything about you was legendary.  I promise you I will do everything in my power to spread your legend and ensure your amazing heart is never forgotten.

I don’t why things went downhill so fast, but I think maybe the damage was too great, and your will alone fooled people into believing that you had the ability to recover.  I am glad I was able to let you know how much I loved you, and that my love for you will last the ages.  I am glad we lived that love.  I am glad that you understood my love for you is unconditional.

I do not want to live without you, but I know that you were so selfless that when I was battling my cancer and complications, you did not fight for me for you; you fought for me for me.  I tried so hard to do the same for you.  I am sorry it was a fight we could not win.  Please know I tried with every ounce of strength that I had.  I would love nothing more than to leave this world and take away this pain, but I know you would never forgive me, and so I will live this life the best I can until we meet again.

You know I have never been very religious, but I know the exact second your soul left your body and the shell ceased to function.  Wherever you are, I know you are in a better place and your pain is over now.  I thank you for going peacefully, while I was by your side, instead of waiting for me to be out of the room.

It will be a long time before I am okay, and I will never stop loving you.  The pain will be there until we meet again, in some alternate universe, or Heaven, or whatever it is.  Perhaps, because of time and space being a mere illusion; where you are, we are already together without challenge.  Maybe I just can’t feel it here.

So I don’t want you to worry about me.  I will struggle, and I hate this; but I will keep going for you.  I will manage to get by somehow.  I have a lot of support from my family and yours, and all of our friends.  Friends who loved you so much, they let me into their world.  You added so much to my life in the 3 years we were married; and 5 years, 10 months we were together.  My devotion to you is unshakable, even as you are no longer in this world.

I think the taos understand, they have been extra lovey and Piedmont even laid her head on my shoulder when I picked her up and cried once we got home yesterday.

I think of the light you brought to not only my life, but the lives of so many others.  The zoo that was your hospital room in the final days was not just because you have a huge family, but because you touched so many lives.  So many of those people were friends.  Some people just met you once or twice and because of your amazing personality, loved you from the start.

The last nurse said about all of the people in to see you in those last days, “She must have been a very great person.  You can tell how someone lived by how they die.”

There is no doubt that the world is a far darker place without you in it, but we will soldier on; because that is what we do.

I will love you, forever, and ever, and always.  You will always be my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.

With all that I am,

Your Mister

7 reasons why being a sociopath would actually be pretty cool

Hello dear reader(s)!

I’ve noticed the term “sociopath” being thrown around a lot lately as if it was some sort of really bad thing to be.  And I have always believed that myself.  But why?  What is it I don’t like about sociopaths?  I mean sure, they “have no conscience” and yes they manifest “extreme antisocial behaviors” and of course they are often “sadistic” and “hurt people”; but is that really what I don’t like about them?  Or could it be something deeper perhaps?  Maybe…jealousy?

I mean, what good is a conscience anyway?  Why should I have to care about others when it is clearly holding me back?  Why can’t I just excuse my awful disregard for the plight of others like CEO’s of major corporations, serial killers, and Congress?

And extremely antisocial?  Sounds good to me.  Being social can be a real chore.

Sadism?  Hurting people?  If the popularity of a certain trash novel doing a poor job of presenting a kinky relationship to where it actually crossed the line into abusive territory is any indication; that is not really a problem with people.

So I present to you, my 7 reasons why being a sociopath would actually be pretty cool.

  1. I could run for and win election to an office that would leave me set for life, and then manipulate that position to retain that office.  Once in office, I could use my influence to make myself a lot of money.  For example:  I could invent a reason for invading another country so the company in which I hold a lot of stock can win no-bid contracts, swindling billions from the American people and making me millions.  And I wouldn’t even have to worry about those pesky innocents I dismissed as “collateral” damage or the power vacuum I left being filled by a threat far greater than the stable government I deposed.
  2. Economics.  As you may or may not be aware, I considered myself a Democratic Socialist long before I even knew who Bernie Sanders was.  I have seen how happy people in The Netherlands, Sweden, and other nations using that model are and I am all for it.  Every time I try to explain why I think it is a better system than our capitalism at all costs system is, I am met with a wall of complaints about how high the taxes are there.  But healthcare is better.  Taxes.  But you don’t trip over homeless children on your way to a job where they can fire you for no reason at all, with no explanation.  Taxes.  But they do not have bridges collapsing every 5 days.  Taxes.  But once basic expenses are taken care of, most people actually have MORE disposable income.  Taxes.  And then it hit me.  This isn’t just a stupid line of thinking, it is sociopathic.  People would rather see their neighbors suffer, for a chance they can get mega rich and nobody else can have a piece.  “Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat, but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” – John Steinbeck
  3. Work.  I have, in all but about 3 of my jobs, in just the normal course of doing my job…come across information that I could wield in order to have an easier path to the top.  Almost.  Every.  One.  But, using that information would hurt someone else.  And so I sat and worked my ass off, because I also have this belief that you should do the best job you can at work until the day you decide they don’t deserve your hard work when you quit.  I would typically still advance, just not at the rate I could have.
  4. Relationships.  They are hard work.  Or are they?  For me they are.  They are usually worth it, but they are still hard work.  You spend your time attempting to keep the other person happy.  You put their needs very close to and in some cases…above your own.  Why?  Do you know how easy it is to find someone damaged, and manipulate that person based off of that damage into fulfilling your own needs as you neglect their own?  Do you know how easy it is to use their damage against them to make them believe that they are not even worthy of having their needs met?  Do you know how easy it is to make them think they need you?  So easy, that if you are with someone damaged, you can do it by accident, if you aren’t careful.  But nooooooo, I have to actually like when other people are happy.
  5. Rules.  Why do I have to follow them when so many people don’t, and get away with it?  All of the time.  Some people, are even celebrated when they break the rules that keep civilization civilized.  They get to have their debts erased 5 times and still maintain a fortune, disparage an entire people in order to appeal to a rabid base of fearful idiots, own hotels and casinos, get press coverage, insult by proxy every veteran and prisoner of war, and just generally be a fucking dickhead while surging in the polls.
  6. Sensitivity.  I get pissed off a lot.  A lot.  Do you know how much I would love to use the most hurtful words I possibly could against the targets of my ire?  But then I think about the damage those words could inflict on anyone else hearing them, or that the person’s infraction is not deserving of something that would tear at the core of their very humanity.  I’ve gotten a lot better at it lately, even as my rage as gone up 1000%.  Now, instead of (expletive deleted!!!), I shout, “Thanks for contributing to society!”  Still a shot, but one they likely don’t care about and if they do, it just makes them not walk right out in front of your car in the middle of the block knowing full well you are coming.  Maybe.
  7. I could be home sick, writing in my blog, and not feel bad because I can not be by my wife’s side in the hospital as she fights to get better.

Not Back But…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am posting this from my not-so-smart phone, from a cot in my wife’s hospital room so please forgive me if this is riddled with Type-O’s.  I mean typos.  Tie Poe’s?

Anyway, I know I said I wouldn’t be posting because I needed to devote all of my energy to my wife’s recovery, however, I am lying awake on a cot and that doesn’t require a whole hell of a lot of energy as far as I know.

So I thought I would jump on here in order to update anyone concerned on her progress and also to scream into the void so perhaps I can actually get some rest.

First, her progress:  She is making some.  They didn’t expect that at first, so that is a win.  However, she is reluctant to accept an uncomfortable form of treatment that is shown to speed her recovery and get her out of the proverbial woods sooner.  (For those of you unaware, the Proverbial Woods are a forest somewhere near Jerusalem since that’s where so many proverbs seem to originate.)  Meanwhile, I’m losing my shit.

Now for the venting:

I am really beginning to lose any optimism that I ever clung to.  Remember when I wrote that I wouldn’t ever bitch about drivers here?  Well, I guess I am a liar.  Because…

On my way back to the hospital today after rushing home to feed my cats and try to get some rest as well as eat dinner, take my meds, & calm down my stomach, I encountered 5 separate vehicles who just did the most lazy, entitled, fucked up moves within a mile stretch.

Vehicle #1:  He is in front of me, & I am a good safe distance behind him as we are both doing about 5 over in the right lane.  Sounds good so far, right?  We approach an intersection and he switches to the left lane.  Doesn’t sound like a problem, right?  But he TURNS into the left lane to where his truck is actually pointed in another direction for a moment and in doing so, he comes inches away from hitting a car in the center lane waiting to turn left. His ass-end is now sticking out in front of me for a brief second before he corrects and straightens out.  “Okay, at least nobody was hit, & I was far enough behind that it didn’t even slow me down,” I thought.  But then I noticed he did straighten out, & kept driving on that road for as long as I was on it.  Why the abrupt change?

I let it go.

Until a block or two later when a car (#2) turns right in front of me blowing through the stop and this time I had to slam on the brakes.

Close call, dodged that one.  Breathe.  Let it go.

Another intersection, this one is a 4 way stop.  Guy is sitting at the line to the right of me.(#3). Oncoming left turn maker (#4) is in looking at him.  I pull up to the line last and wait for someone to fucking move.  Nobody in the crosswalks, no reason not to go.  But they sit there.  Finally, I decide to go out of turn since nobody else is and my attempts at eye contact are in vain.  As soon as I do, so does left turn guy.  I stop when I see him going, so about a half of a car length into the intersection to avoid the accident.  Then as he turns past he flips ME off.  Meanwhile, guy to my right has not moved.  I went through the intersection and he was still there.  Might still be there now, for all I know.

Finally, I am pulling into the hospital’s parking garage o’ claustrophobia and am met with someone (#5) leaving through the entrance.  It is on my right (which is the side we drive on here in the States), & has a big “ENTRANCE” sign over the top.  After I avoid the head on, the driver turns left out of the entrance adding the final insult to good drivers everywhere by not using his turn signal.

This story does not include the person crossing against the light with his earbuds in, the car that almost wiped out another group of pedestrians in a crosswalk crossing legally, & every other car that couldn’t ever be bothered to move the tiny lever on their steering column to indicate a turn or lane change.

Now here’s the thing.  I know we all make mistakes driving sometimes.  But how fucking lazy and/or stupid does one have to be not to be able to flick a lever to indicate a change?  Who got their license but doesn’t understand the rules of a 4 way stop?  Who walks across the street with headphones against the light at a busy intersection?  Who goes over to the completely opposite side of the road to exit through an entrance?

Libertarians.  That’s who.

Think about it.  All these fucks aren’t just stupid, they’re willfully flaunting the rules that keep society functioning.  The mindset that nobody can tell you what to do has infected people down to the most base level.  “The government wants me to know how to make a proper lane change.  Fuck that, I don’t let the government tell me what to do.  The government wants me to cross with the light.  Fuck that.  The government wants me to not run over people .  Fuck that.  The government wants me to use rules to get through a 4 way stop.  Fuck that.  Nobody rules me.”.

Look.  A lot of the rules of society and government are stupid.  I get that.  But if you don’t follow them, civilization breaks down.  If you don’t like civilization, go find some empty land and stay the fuck off our roads.

I hope everyone is well, if I get time again, & things keep progressing, I may not kill this blog-type-thing after all.

Also, thank you everyone for the well wishes.  Much appreciated.

AFTK

Hello dear reader(s).

I am afraid the time has come to step away from this blog-type-thing, indefinitely.  Without going into too much detail, out of respect for her privacy; my wife is facing a very serious medical issue that requires all of the limited energy I possess.  I thank every one of you who has read my garbage, and I am glad I have gotten to online know some of you.

If I can leave you with one thought my from sleep-deprived, anxious, and stressed out brain, it is this:

Do everything you can to let go of any anger, fear, resentment, or negativity.  

I know it isn’t easy, you can tell I struggle with it myself; but it does nothing for you but blocks the happiness you may experience while you are still able.

I wish all of you love, health, and happiness.

Until we meet again,

Josh

Saved By The Boom

Warning, the jokes I make in here may be taken by some as offensive.  They are jokes, even if there is some truth in their telling.  If that isn’t your thing, I get it, but please move along.

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today, for the first time since I started this blog-type-thing I found myself struggling with what to write about.  Not because I don’t have any ideas or thoughts to get out, not because I am worried what anyone might think, not because of writer’s block; but because I am seriously and utterly depressed and I do not want my grey view on everything to color my words with a “meh” kind of feel.

In order to cheer myself up I watched a couple of YouTube videos of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight, which of course made me laugh, but also kind of brought me down because, while I love those shows, they are very good at bringing to light the worst in humanity and a negative world view which is what I am attempting to snap myself out of.  I need reasons for wanting to stay on this planet, not reasons why I wouldn’t be too upset if an asteroid decided the Earth looked like a good place to merge with.

Asteroid A:   Gee Asteroid B, I know you are a fan of Jupiter, but that storm looks like an eye and just kind of freaks me out.  What about that pretty blue-green one with all the smoke coming out of it?

Asteroid B:  What, Earth?  Earth is SO a few eras ago.  Earth hasn’t been in since the fucking dinosaurs!

Asteroid A:  We could bring it back, like platform shoes in the 90’s!

Asteroid B:  Whatever, trendsetter, I’m taking my talents to Jupiter’s Beach.  Have fun in Nowhereville!

Asteroid A:  Fuck you then, I just will.

But let’s get serious for a moment?  Do I really want all living things over a certain mass to be wiped off the face of the planet, including me?  No.  I just want all the stupid people and people who decide to hurt other people wiped off the planet so the rest of us can party it up.  And yes, I do recognize the irony in saying that I want people who decide to hurt other people to be wiped out, which would most likely hurt them.  I do see my hypocrisy there, Mother Teresa, so thanks for pointing it out.  While you’re doing so, perhaps you can set down your bible for a second and stop jerking off to Leviticus.

So faced with this cynicism that I abhor in myself, I seriously considered stepping away from the computer, placing my hands on top of my head, and walking backward toward the sound of my own voices projected as imaginary cops behind me, guns drawn and ready to fire should I “resist” by calling them racist.

I kept searching the tubes and nets of Inter for something -anything that I could write about that wouldn’t make me come off as the bitter, angry, cynical bastard that I have been turned into through the power of the dark side.  How does the line go?  “Leia…Who’s your daddy?”  Something like that anyway.

Searching my “newsfeed” on the book of fake faces, I came across something that spoke to me.  It was as if the clouds parted, a light shined down from my monitor, and basked me in the loving glow of an inspirational Josh.  A kind, benevolent Josh that wishes for all people to be happy, unless those people are either mean or too stupid to function, and then those people should be smited.  Wouldn’t that be smitten?  But that changes the meaning there.  Oh, no, it is smote.  All this time I thought that smote was a combination of smoke and soot, ala smog…but I digress.  The point is, that a tiny little article, a “trending topic” on my “newsfeed” (if you need an explanation as to why I keep using quotation marks around newsfeed then this post might be about you) saved me from turning completely cynical about everything.

Because, as much hate as we who try to use our brains for reasoning and problem solving are mocked and marginalized in this society, as much as the stupid and mean people seem to be winning in so many ways, as much those people parade around with their ass implants, collagen lips, frosted tips, AR-15’s, wife-beaters, and flag lapel pins…sometimes…just sometimes…they get theirs.

Now I don’t believe in karma.  If there was karma, then Dick Cheney would be being waterboarded while having pureed food shoved up his ass through a tube placed into him by a gay, black, socialist, atheist.

However, it is nice to know that sometimes bad shit doesn’t just happen to the innocent and undeserving.  It is nice to know that, on occasion, somebody’s stupidity results in the prevention of that person’s genetic material from being spread like the virus it is, further infringing on the happiness of those who choose to exercise the reasoning portion of their brains.

You see, on my “newsfeed” was a story, what may seem like a tragic event to some, and certainly would have been for his family.  (I’d add friends to that, but they were probably standing around cheering him on and feeding him more drinks as he committed his final atrocity against intelligence.)  This story was about a 22-year-old man, whom I can only assume was known affectionately as “Bro” to his friends…this bro decided it would be a good idea to place a mortar (big firework…essentially a real mortar but with different chemicals added for color) on top of his head.  After placing it on top of his head, Bro decided it would be funny to launch that mortar off of his head.  Apparently Bro did not understand the physics of a mortar and somehow believed this would be something funny to do.  Bro was right, it was funny…for everyone reading about it.  For Bro, he never got the chance to laugh about it, because, as I hope you dear reader(s) had already assumed…Bro died instantly.

I hate to laugh at death.  I do.  If this was a suicide where somebody just decided that they had enough of the pain they feel in this world, I would think it was a tragic situation.  If it was simply an accident balancing the dangerous with the fun, I would be very sad.  Life is not meant to play it safe, so sometimes, you take risks to have fun.  I get that.  But that is not what happened.  What happened, was that someone who obviously did not have the basic mental capacity to ever contribute anything useful to the world, was summarily excommunicated from it by his own idiocy.

And as I read this, a smile spread across my face.  I forgot my troubles for a brief moment in time.  I even…(just for a second…don’t think I’m a monster)…forgot about 9/11.  I know, I know, I said I’d never forget.  I’m a terrible person.  But hey…at least I didn’t ruin the 4th of July for a lot of people by firing an explosive off of my head, did I?

The Thing About America

Hello dear reader(s)!

Yesterday, and last night have been a couple of terrible days for me.  The details are still too raw for me to talk about all of them, but after a day that shook my core, right down to my will to keep going in a world full of pain that just should not exist; it was capped off by finding out that an old friend of mine had died suddenly while I was out trying to pull myself out of the tailspin.

Jason wasn’t just an old friend, he is the person who made me want to take my drumming from something to do in a middle school elective class, to actually wanting to play in a band.  I believe it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade when my brother brought me to see his friends’ band Blue Mourning, at a practice.  I loved it, made my brother get me their cassette tape (because this was before everyone could easily make CD’s, and well before mp3), and wore that thing out.  Jason let me play some cover songs with the rest of the band after they were finished.  Despite the fact that the only full song I could play at that point in time was “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, he was extremely nice and encouraging.

He was an amazing drummer.  Even then.  A lot of people were flashier, a lot of people hit harder (which for some reason earns drummers a lot of fans), but Jason had this loose style that made everything seem effortless.  He was pretty solid, and he was great at playing for the music.  He was funny, and goofy, and I don’t think he would hurt a fly.  After Blue Mourning split, Tobin and Dale and I formed Sprout, and Jason and some other friends formed Orange Peel.  My very first shows were with Orange Peel, and in the beginning, if we were playing a show, you could be certain that we were playing those shows with Orange Peel.

As with almost everyone from that scene, when I decided I was done, I lost touch with Jason.  He moved away.  I moved away.  Everyone moved away.  And like a lot of people I lost touch with, Facebook came around and we were friends again.  Unlike a lot of the people who I got back into touch with through Facebook, Jason and I stayed friends.  This morning I was staring at one of the last texts from him on my phone, about the new band he was playing with and how excited he was.  And now he is gone.  Just like that, another great person missing from humanity.

And after that, I got out of bed, brought the flag out and hung it up outside.  It is Independence Day here in the US, and as imperfect as our union can be, I still love my country.  As I have said before, I am not proud to be an American (because I was just born here, & you shouldn’t be proud of geographical birth), but I consider myself pretty lucky to be here.  We are not (contrary to the opinion of many of my countrymen) “The Greatest Nation on Earth”, but we keep trying to live up to our promise.

And so this flag, this flag of a nation built upon ideals it has never succeeded in living up to, built with the capital from the broken backs of the enslaved, this nation of fuck-ups who talked a good game and are still in the process of walking the talk; this flag gave me some comfort.  Not enough to erase the pain I feel today, but enough to prevent me from completely giving in to it.

Why?

Because that is the thing about America.  We are always trying to be a “more perfect union”.  There are some people among us who don’t want that, there are some people among us who think we were perfect 20, 40, or 60 years ago.  There are some people who deep-down, wish they weren’t a part of this union…but over all, we try.  We keep trying.  We fuck up, we fall down, and we get up and keep trying.  We’ve done some horrible things to innocent people all throughout our history.  We’ve abandoned and re-embraced the ideals we were founded on countless times.  We’ve reverted, and leapt forward.  We’ve had some very dark history, and we’ve been a beacon of light.  We’ve been the laughing-stock and the envy of the world.

At many points in time we have given into the worst parts of our nature, only to snap out of it and try to progress.  We’ve all disagreed on how to get there, we’ve let fear distract us from our goals at times, but we realign and try again.  2 steps forward, 1 back.  2 more steps forward, 3 back.  3 steps forward, 1 back.  1 step forward.  Over all, we try to go forward.

The reason I can fly the US flag, but I despise the Confederate flag, (despite both countries embracing slavery and the idea that people could be less due to melanin), is that the Confederacy was about holding on to our mistakes, while the US, (over all), tries to acknowledge and move past them.  Both have sordid pasts, but one mostly attempts to fix where they were wrong, and the other started a war to remain in the wrong.

The thing about America, is that America is a parallel to life.  We have our good days, we have our bad days.  We get knocked around, and we fight back.  Sometimes we are the bully and need to look within ourselves and figure out why and stop it.  We are all on this path to be more perfect, sometimes we stray from it, but as long as we don’t abandon it completely, we’re going to move forward.

The thing about America, whatever hardships we face, whatever mistakes we make, whatever factions of evil walk among us; the thing about America is that it is full of people like Jason.

The most recent footage of Jason I could find.

Please support Jason’s funeral fund here if you possibly can.

Rest in peace, Hosko.

TRYING to Make It Through

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night I did some online research into my fridge after determining that the duct between the fridge and freezer likely wasn’t blocked by ice.  Everything pointed me in the direction of a bad thermistor, which is essentially a sensor and thermostat in one.  The good news:  The part is relatively inexpensive and shouldn’t take too long to replace.  The bad news:  It is the 4th of July weekend and the only local place that carries it is closed until Monday.

Just to make sure that was indeed the issue, my dad and I moved and unplugged the refrigerator and started taking off panels, controls, and wiring harnesses to get to wear the thermistor was located.  As we removed the diffuser, my dad noticed that a tiny little plastic piece near inaccessible inside a groove in the styrofoam had broken away from an arm that opens and shuts the doors inside the diffuser assembly.  It appears as though the thermistor was not in fact the problem, but the break in the arm was holding the doors shut; thus allowing for little air-flow between the freezer and refrigerator, causing the warm temperatures.

Imprinted on the foam was a part number that I recognized as a part number due to its similarity with the part number I had previously looked up for the thermistor.  So I went to check the refrigerator’s website to ensure that it was indeed the part number for the entire assembly that I was looking for.  I typed the part number in and hit “Search” and 0 results were found.

I typed Whirlpool diffuser followed by the part number into Google and found that the only listings for said part were on eBay.  Um…no.  I looked up the local appliance parts store that is closed until Monday due to the holiday and found that they also had no listings for the diffuser assembly.

As a last-ditch effort I took the model number of the refrigerator and entered it into the manufacturer’s website in search of an owners manual or parts list.  There was a parts list!  I downloaded and scrolled through the pages, not even seeing my part.  Finally, I just did a Ctrl-F on the pdf to find the word “diffuser” and found the diffuser assembly.  It had a different part number.  Apparently the other part number must have been for the styrofoam itself, which they do not sell separately because there would be no way to put all the other parts in it without some sort of mechanical press.  This is good news, because it seems as though the broken arm thing is included in that assembly.  I checked that part with the local appliance store and it did not bring up any results.  I typed it into Google and found that part had been replaced with a different part number (probably with a stronger plastic arm).  I looked that part number up at the local appliance parts store and they do have 4 in stock.

So, knowing the earliest I could get the part would be Monday, and knowing that I would like to keep at least some waters and maybe some cherries of something cold until then, we attempted to temporarily fix the arm with super glue.  However, due to the location of the break down inside the groove of the styrofoam where it would be too narrow to clamp, and also due to the break being right on the elbow, we were unable to get it to stick.

At this point we decided to open the doors halfway (just a guess) and reassemble everything.  It will prevent the temperature from being changed by the control, but it should allow the cold air to flow between the refrigerator and freezer.  We have no way of knowing how open the doors should be to keep the refrigerator cool, and we have no way of knowing whether everything in there will be freezing things in the fridge, just right, or still too hot.  We have decided to hold off on buying any perishables until after I can get the part on Monday.

Assembling the refrigerator and freezer didn’t go back together as easily as disassembly.  For one thing, I used the wrong screws in the wrong place so we were trying to cram ourselves into the freezer balancing a phillips heard screw on the top of the screwdriver trying to drive it straight up into the top of the freezer to hold onto the panel.  It turns out that there was some screws with a 1/4 inch nut pattern that would have fit in the edge of my 1/4 inch nut driver that went there, and the phillips head screws were used for a control container and which you can place and screw downward, so as not to drop the screws everywhere.  When putting up the panel in top of the freezer, we must have dropped each screw fifteen times, and at a couple of points, they fell into the lower basket where I had moved the remaining frozen food.  Then we had to dig them out.

I didn’t sleep good last night, and am really wiped out by this whole thing.  After my dad left, I kind of lost it, because I am just tired of everything being so damned hard.  I really figured that by this point, things would be starting to get a little easier for me again but even when I seem to be a little healthier, life is throwing punches my way.  Punches I could likely handle were it not for everything else built up.

Monday morning at 8 am, I will be at the parts store waiting for them to open.  I will buy a diffuser assembly for roughly $45 and fix the damn thing, remembering to trade screws back on reassembly.  It sucks that I have to wait until Monday, and all this work was a bit more than the heat exhausted and sleep deprived me could handle this early…but on the bright side if I called some repair guy out (and who knows when he could arrive), he’d probably have to order the part too, mark it up, and charge me for labor.  I have heard of thermistor replacement jobs being in the $300 range.  The thermistor is even cheaper than the diffuser, as low as $15.  A new fridge with those features would be $1200 or so.  Reconditioned, I could find one for about $900.

And, if the thermistor ever goes now I know how to fix that too.

So I guess this is a small win, and it is great to win and everything; but maybe there could be some rest in between the times I need to fight to win with life.  What to you say life, can ya help me out here?