Saturday…In the House…Think It Is The 27th of June

Hello dear reader(s)!

How the hell are all of you this fine Saturday morning?

I woke up to the swamp cooler already being turned on by my lovely Hannah (who probably woke up at 4) and I shut it off at about 12 am before I went to bed, meaning, the damn thing has been running almost all day for the past 5 days.  It is hot.  Too hot.  Yesterday, our area tied a record for the day that has stood since 1968.  1968.  That is insane that people in the 60’s could survive this kind of heat with their less-efficient AC and lack of good insulating windows.  Also, bottled water was not commonplace, so I wonder how they stayed hydrated.  Beer maybe?  Although the alcohol is not such an efficient hydration tool.

Speaking of tools, how about Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee?

My cat was up in the window chittering at the birdies.  It is a beautiful morning and would be great barbecue weather if you felt like grilling in the morning.  Unfortunately, later today, it will not be beautiful, it will be hot, and I might have to murder someone for their more powerful central air system.  I’m sure I could assume someone’s identity.

Still, I am in a good mood.  Not just because of the recent events of the last week.  Not just because my nosebleed last night ran for less than 5 minutes, as opposed to the hours long nosebleeds I was getting as the blasts were taking over my blood.  Not just because I woke up to news that someone had scaled the flagpole in SC to remove the Confederate Battle flag since lawmakers are attempting to wait out the public outrage over the symbol to die down so they can keep it.  (Yes, the flag is back up, but symbols have meaning, and non-violent civil disobedience removing a symbol of hate from public property gets this guy excited.)

I hope this positive outlook lasts through the heating of the day, but I am pretty prepared for another day of whining and home wet t-shirt contests that only I participate in.  I swear to you, and you can’t make this up, well, you could if you wanted I suppose, you could make anything up, couldn’t you?  Except for maybe down, but I digress.  At any rate, where was I?  Ah yes, yesterday I soaked one of my t-shirts and put it on, and after the icy chill of about 5 minutes and when I first sat down against a towel on my chair, it didn’t do any good.  It was dry within 20 minutes.

Hannah and I have been pissy with each other the past few days.  We’re not having problems, we’re just miserable, so everything sounds like we are snapping at each other.  Usually we are not, but are just annoyed with everything heat related and it comes out in our voices.  I am trying to be mindful of it, but it isn’t easy because it is simply too damn hot to be mindful of anything.

However, last night, during the slight cool-down in the dark, I had an epiphany.  World peace could be achieved if everyone would just move to cooler climate areas.

Think about it, where are the current hot-spots for violence?  Places that get too damn hot.  Does violence happen elsewhere?  Yes, but not as often, and more often in those areas when it is unusually hot.  Police use to theorize that more people are out in the summer and therefore you are going to see more incidents…but I think there is more to it.  I just think the human mind is not capable of dealing with this much heat and irrationally lashes out at totally unrelated things.

Israel doesn’t hate Palestine, they are too fucking hot, and vice versa.  Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Syria?  Too fucking hot.  The deep South?  Too fucking hot.  Texas?  Too hot.

The only reason Las Vegas has not turned into a hot-bed for extremism is because even if you don’t have a great AC, you can always stand in a casino that is kept nice and comfortable at no charge.  And get drunk while you’re at it.  And if you are an angry drunk, instead of an “I love you, man” drunk, then there is a lot of security to take you to the nice air-conditioned holding cells, possibly giving you a fine for disorderly and sending you on your way the next morning.

I am currently looking at designing a machine I call “The World Happiness Maker” which is essentially a giant, space-based, green AC unit that will just blast cold air into our atmosphere and blow the hot air out into deep space.  Since our carbon emissions trap the heat in, and powerful industry doesn’t look like they want to slow that any time soon, I figure not only is this necessary to our environment, but to the mental well being and peace on this planet.

“But Josh, what about the tropics?”

We’ll try to angle the giant vents away from popular vacation destinations as the people in the tropics, for the most part, seem to be able to tolerate the heat better than the rest of us.  My assumption on that would be the easy access to the ocean.  It might also be due to the large amounts of weed in those areas, but either way, we do need some warm vacation destinations.

If you would like to support “The World Happiness Maker” design and build, you can do so by going to my GoFundYourselfIamNotSerious page.  I accept all currencies except for the soon to be released Drachma.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

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