Hello dear reader(s)!
Before we get started with the list to end all lists until another list is written which will likely occur concurrently to the writing of this list, therefore that term is probably extremely inaccurate; I would like to state for the record that I support anyone who feels they are not the person they were born as. This list is in no way meant to make fun of, offend, or denigrate any person whatsoever. I fully support the rights of anyone to do whatever the fuck they want to with their own body. If that means getting lots of surgeries to become a different sex and taking hormones, fine. If that means getting tattoos on every single piece of skin, fine. If that means getting giant gauges in your ears, fine…as long as you wash that shit when you’re standing next to me in an elevator, because people who don’t clean their massive ear holes fucking reek.
In other words…your body, your choice. To put it another way…not hurting me or any other innocent person? I don’t give a fuck.
I have been pretty honest about how I do not see myself as being as “manly” as most other heterosexual men I know. I have a feminine side, I can be sensitive, I cry more often than I care to, I like hanging out and talking with girls more than I do with guys. I sometimes say things like “lovely” and “fabulous”. I am sure I could go on, but you get the point.
All of that said, however, I could never, ever be a woman. (I mean, unless you believe in reincarnation or whatever in which case I suppose that wouldn’t be up to me, would it?) Ladies, I don’t want you to feel insulted here, most of the reasons is because I think being a woman would be hard. Don’t believe me? Okay, here are my reasons…
- Under-boob sweat Okay, it is frickin’ hot outside. I sweat down my back from the seats in the Beastess when driving. It is disgusting. I could not imagine having an extra fold of skin underneath a couple heavy (but amazing) breasts holding the heat and sweat in. No thanks.
- Discrimination I enjoy my straight white male privilege. I acknowledge, recognize it, and am glad for it. Not because I think I should have it and others should not…just because I wouldn’t want to live without it. Plus, women are discriminated against as it is…I could only imagine being a woman and a lesbian. That would be rough.
- I’d be fugly No amount of hormones and surgeries could make me pretty. They haven’t invented a laser powerful enough to remove all of my body hair without taking a good chunk of skin with it.
- Dressing up Do you know the best part of being a man? Shorts and t-shirts. My least favorite jobs were the ones I had to wear some sort of uniform or adhere to some sort of dress code that only prevented me from doing my job to the best of my ability. Do you know what a fucking tie is good for? Nothing. You look like a peacock and it can get pulled into a paper shredder and kill your wool suit on a 95 degree day wearing stupid ass. You don’t look sophisticated, you look stupid. But women? Women have it ten times worse. Nylons. Seriously? What the fuck are those for? You look like you just came from the burn unit of your local hospital. All that jewelry? Because that’s what I want, as I’m sensually kissing my wife’s neck…to have my lips gashed open by a rock on a chain. Lingerie? Nice to look at, but seriously, what a pain that must be to wear. And finally…the shoes. Fuck your shoes. Not literally, unless that’s your thing, and the shoes consent.
- Periods Fuck no. Just no. No. Nope. Nah-uh. No way. Nah. No.
- Makeup It is 95 degrees outside. It is bad enough I have to prevent my skin from breathing by wearing sunscreen, now let’s add some pigment to it, or a powder (because my skin is so moist, I need powder), or eye liner (nothing like the sting of black shit running into my eyes when I sweat or cry). Or my least favorite, lipstick…because every glass I drink from needs to tell the world I was there.
- Bras Sure, this could have fallen into the dressing up category, but I think bras deserve their own mention. That’s what I want, a restrictive band going around my torso and constricting (while possibly pushing up and together) a couple sensitive parts of my body for the majority of my day. Guys, think about if we had bras for our balls, and how awful that would be.
- Vulnerability I do not feel like walking around all of the time being concerned that there are people out there who want to rape me. As a guy, I don’t really have to worry about it. I mean, I’m sure it is possible that I could get raped, but I know it is highly unlikely as I have been trying to get my wife to rape me since we met and it still hasn’t happened.
- Objectification I like to be treated like a piece of meat…on occasion. Women have to deal with that shit all the time. Could you imagine all of your accomplishments and positive characteristics being tossed out of the proverbial window because you are not “hot”? Neither can I, because I am a man…and because I am hot, it’s 95 fucking degrees. Everybody here is hot!!!!
- UTI’s Okay, I’ve had a UTI before. Once. One time in my whole life. I’ve also had a week’s long chemical irritation that was probably the result of some bubble bath ingredients. No, I don’t take bubble baths, or even regular baths, I like showers, but someone convinced me to join her once. Women get UTI’s a lot. Something goes out of balance? UTI. Ate the wrong food? UTI. Toy cleaner not working as advertised? UTI. Fuck that.
Okay, this is the first 10 reasons, I will give you the second tomorrow, in the interest of not writing 2500 words of what is essentially a post about women not really being the weaker sense in an attempted humorous presentation. I hope nobody was offended by my reasons, remember, they are only my reasons. You do what you want. I don’t give a fuck.