20 Reasons Why I Could Never Be A Woman

Hello dear reader(s)!

Before we get started with the list to end all lists until another list is written which will likely occur concurrently to the writing of this list, therefore that term is probably extremely inaccurate; I would like to state for the record that I support anyone who feels they are not the person they were born as.  This list is in no way meant to make fun of, offend, or denigrate any person whatsoever.  I fully support the rights of anyone to do whatever the fuck they want to with their own body.  If that means getting lots of surgeries to become a different sex and taking hormones, fine.  If that means getting tattoos on every single piece of skin, fine.  If that means getting giant gauges in your ears, fine…as long as you wash that shit when you’re standing next to me in an elevator, because people who don’t clean their massive ear holes fucking reek.

In other words…your body, your choice.  To put it another way…not hurting me or any other innocent person?  I don’t give a fuck.

I have been pretty honest about how I do not see myself as being as “manly” as most other heterosexual men I know.  I have a feminine side, I can be sensitive, I cry more often than I care to, I like hanging out and talking with girls more than I do with guys.  I sometimes say things like “lovely” and “fabulous”.  I am sure I could go on, but you get the point.

All of that said, however, I could never, ever be a woman.  (I mean, unless you believe in reincarnation or whatever in which case I suppose that wouldn’t be up to me, would it?)  Ladies, I don’t want you to feel insulted here, most of the reasons is because I think being a woman would be hard.  Don’t believe me?  Okay, here are my reasons…

  1. Under-boob sweat  Okay, it is frickin’ hot outside.  I sweat down my back from the seats in the Beastess when driving.  It is disgusting.  I could not imagine having an extra fold of skin underneath a couple heavy (but amazing) breasts holding the heat and sweat in.  No thanks.
  2. Discrimination  I enjoy my straight white male privilege.  I acknowledge, recognize it, and am glad for it.  Not because I think I should have it and others should not…just because I wouldn’t want to live without it.  Plus, women are discriminated against as it is…I could only imagine being a woman and a lesbian.  That would be rough.
  3. I’d be fugly  No amount of hormones and surgeries could make me pretty.  They haven’t invented a laser powerful enough to remove all of my body hair without taking a good chunk of skin with it.
  4. Dressing up  Do you know the best part of being a man?  Shorts and t-shirts.  My least favorite jobs were the ones I had to wear some sort of uniform or adhere to some sort of dress code that only prevented me from doing my job to the best of my ability.  Do you know what a fucking tie is good for?  Nothing.  You look like a peacock and it can get pulled into a paper shredder and kill your wool suit on a 95 degree day wearing stupid ass.  You don’t look sophisticated, you look stupid.  But women?  Women have it ten times worse.  Nylons.  Seriously?  What the fuck are those for?  You look like you just came from the burn unit of your local hospital.  All that jewelry?  Because that’s what I want, as I’m sensually kissing my wife’s neck…to have my lips gashed open by a rock on a chain.  Lingerie?  Nice to look at, but seriously, what a pain that must be to wear.  And finally…the shoes.  Fuck your shoes.  Not literally, unless that’s your thing, and the shoes consent.
  5. Periods  Fuck no.  Just no.  No.  Nope.  Nah-uh.  No way.  Nah.  No.
  6. Makeup  It is 95 degrees outside.  It is bad enough I have to prevent my skin from breathing by wearing sunscreen, now let’s add some pigment to it, or a powder (because my skin is so moist, I need powder), or eye liner (nothing like the sting of black shit running into my eyes when I sweat or cry).  Or my least favorite, lipstick…because every glass I drink from needs to tell the world I was there.
  7. Bras  Sure, this could have fallen into the dressing up category, but I think bras deserve their own mention.  That’s what I want, a restrictive band going around my torso and constricting (while possibly pushing up and together) a couple sensitive parts of my body for the majority of my day.  Guys, think about if we had bras for our balls, and how awful that would be.
  8. Vulnerability  I do not feel like walking around all of the time being concerned that there are people out there who want to rape me.  As a guy, I don’t really have to worry about it.  I mean, I’m sure it is possible that I could get raped, but I know it is highly unlikely as I have been trying to get my wife to rape me since we met and it still hasn’t happened.
  9. Objectification  I like to be treated like a piece of meat…on occasion.  Women have to deal with that shit all the time.  Could you imagine all of your accomplishments and positive characteristics being tossed out of the proverbial window because you are not “hot”?  Neither can I, because I am a man…and because I am hot, it’s 95 fucking degrees.  Everybody here is hot!!!!
  10. UTI’s  Okay, I’ve had a UTI before.  Once.  One time in my whole life.  I’ve also had a week’s long chemical irritation that was probably the result of some bubble bath ingredients.  No, I don’t take bubble baths, or even regular baths, I like showers, but someone convinced me to join her once.  Women get UTI’s a lot.  Something goes out of balance?  UTI.  Ate the wrong food?  UTI.  Toy cleaner not working as advertised?  UTI.  Fuck that.

Okay, this is the first 10 reasons, I will give you the second tomorrow, in the interest of not writing 2500 words of what is essentially a post about women not really being the weaker sense in an attempted humorous presentation.  I hope nobody was offended by my reasons, remember, they are only my reasons.  You do what you want.  I don’t give a fuck.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

31 thoughts on “20 Reasons Why I Could Never Be A Woman”

  1. Gawd, that was hysterical at times! I was trying to picture you powdering your moist, sunscreened skin, lol!
    It is decidedly easier to be pretty when the weather is temperate, that is no joke. Only hot women look good in the heat, all tanned and glistening…I have a few friends who look like that. They’re amazing. In the heat, I’m like a lump of steamed crab, bitching and scowling, hair matted like broken corkscrews. Ugh.
    Boob sweat ain’t got nothin on thigh chaffing. Ugh.
    Just Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have giant boobs (size F), so you’re totally right about boob sweat. It’s terrible. Bras, on the other hand, make my life more comfortable. They sort hold my giant boobs out of the way of everything and keep them from slapping me in the face as I run, walk quickly, go up or down stairs, or bend over to pick things up.

    My husband equates this to how he wears tighty-whiteys on construction jobs because they keep his balls out of the way of things and from sticking to his legs as he works.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know many women who plaster their faces, where highly uncomfy shoes and/or don’t like wearing bras, because as restricting as they might be sometimes depending on the size of your breast it’s also great not having them swing around all they every day.
    I have to ask. What kind of women do you hang out with?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My wife hardly wears any makeup, but she does wear some and I think it is silly. Makes her happy though. She is not really bad with the shoes, except for the flip-flops. She will wear the thinnest sole flip-flops to places like where walking might be required and then complains of her feet hurting. She is actually pretty god in those areas compared to some of my shoe-mad friends.

      Like

  4. Got to agree that most of those things listed do make being a woman rubbish. Although I’ve always thought it must be terrible to be a pubescent boy and have uncontrollable boners, I think I’d take the years of periods over that. Plus periods give you the excuse to be an arse once a month and eat whatever you like (because you’ll be much more of an arse if you don’t get that thirteenth bar of chocolate!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would totally be a nudist were it not for open blinds, sun and cold protection, and our society’s insistence that being nude is indecent and their tendency to want to blame the naked person for other people taking offense to it.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. We should have a National Nudist Day. Or bring a nudist to work day. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Of course, I’d be too embarrassed to participate, but it would be a great day to people watch. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. It would bother me being a man!
    1) All that chest and back hair
    2) Which side left or right to stuff it in (The penis that is)
    3) Butt hair /shudder
    4) Facial hair looks fine on men but no, nope, nah, no way not for me
    5) Expected to never cry..hey when things hurt you cry
    6) Farting I mean ewww
    7) I wouldn’t have my very nice D cups
    8) Boners, how do you guys hide those damn things, they just pop up at the worst times sometimes

    Last

    9) I’d be a bi-male since I do like men and women. It is acceptable for women to be bi, guys even find it hot but women don’t seem to find bi men hot and other men forget it!

    /smirk
    Gooooooood Morning Friday bloggers!

    Like

    1. Okay, let’s go point by point. Hahaha!
      1. True. Sucks. I have a hairy chest and can get some back here but I shave it.
      2. Easy, it decides for you.
      3. Women get it too. Doesn’t seem to be about gender there. I am fortunate in that area.
      4. Itchy during allergy season but I look 12 without it.
      5. Yeah, true, and fuck that.
      6. Yes, ewww, but women fart,
      7. Well, I mean you COULD, but it would be weird,
      8. Through the waistband, shirt over. Fuck tucking your shirt in for that reason. Ow! A little uncomfortable just below the rib cage, but doesn’t last too long in that position when not there for a reason.
      9. That is true, except this one girl I know. She is always looking for bi guys.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. These were wonderful! I couldn’t stop laughing. I can’t wait for the next ten. You should also consider not being able to fit into clothes that you fit into last week because you’re bloated. Horrible.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I want to say it’s a good thing that it’s not exclusive to females, but I also do not want to say that. Bloating is a horrible thing!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. You are exactly right. Why I would not want to be a woman from MY perspective. Women are great, and awesome. I just think they have it worse than I do. And if one likes pink, that is cool, I just would hate to have a default color assigned to my gender. People try to say the same thing about blue, but parents start dressing their girls in blue pretty early on but you rarely see a parent dressing their male toddler in pink.

      Liked by 1 person

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