Hello dear reader(s)!
Being in my late 30’s, and feeling like I’m in my early 60’s thanks to all the cancer treatment damage, I have been feeling a bit on the old side in recent days. This is depressing. Not so much because I know I am getting closer to the end of my life, but because I can’t do the stupid fun shit I used to without paying for it the next morning. And into that day. And later that evening. And into the night. And when I wake up the next morning. And into the afternoon until I wake up from a nap. That is a long damn time to be hung over, or exhausted from having fun, or whatever may be the case.
When I was younger, even after 30, right up until I started getting sick, I could pull an all nighter as easily as Hollywood executives can pull reboots of previously successful stories out of their asses. By the way, Hollywood, anytime you want to come up with something at least semi-new, I’ll be ready. In the meantime I don’t need to see anymore second-rate comic book characters turned into live action movie stars. I hated Mad Max, and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome so I’m not one of the excited people who think that movie would be cool suddenly because there are strong women in it. Let’s just make a new story, okay? Bollywood is kicking your ass.
Anyway, like I said, I’m feeling old, and this is depressing. So I want to
ask beg for your help in cheering me up by following these 16 steps to make me a happier person. You can use them on other old fogies you may encounter in your life, but be sure to pay special attention to me, because I am special.
- Card us when buying alcohol. Recently, Hannah and I went out for some Mexicanish food and I got a margarita and she got a cocktail of some sort. And the waiter asked for both of our ID’s. Not just Hannah’s, but both of ours. That waiter got a big tip for that simple act of regulatory kindness.
- Indulge us when we use technology to complain about technology. Yes, I know it is stupid, but it seems to make people my age and older happy for some reason. Actually, for me, you can leave this step out, but indulge the other old people you come across if they decide to do this. Don’t point out the irony when they post the picture of the bikes to their Facebook that says, “Before cell phones, this is how we knew where our friends were.” Especially don’t mention that it was posted from their iPhone. They seem to dislike that.
- Complain about kids today. This is especially important if you are a young adult or a teenager. Talk about their vapid, narcissistic tendencies and reminisce about how much better the past was. Make sure you ignore any potentially harmful memories of the past that have been blocked by nostalgia, such as segregation, slavery, child labor, and family values meaning not talking about things like child molestation and other abuse that was all being kept quiet during what old people refer to as “The Good Ol’ Days”.
- Slow down! What are you in such a hurry for anyway? It is not like you have work, or fun or anything interesting to get to. 60 in a 65 in the fast lane should be perfectly acceptable, and 40 is even better! As they cut you off after passing on the right, just shrug your shoulders and say to yourself, “I’m not in any hurry.”
- Turn down your music! Nobody else wants to hear that Dan Fogleberg that you’re blasting out the back of your new-fangled Ford Pinto! Show some respect for your neighbors.
- Stay off my lawn! I don’t care if your ball went over the fence, maybe you shouldn’t have been playing ball so close to my fence!!!!! If you want your ball back you can come to my door for a lecture before getting your precious little ball back. And then tell your parents how you almost lost your ball because you were being disrespectful!
- Be more serious about things! When I was your age, I walked to school! I did! Both ways. In the snow, unless the snow was too bad for the buses and school was cancelled. And it was flat, there was no hill. And it was a few blocks. But I was serious about things. I paid attention and made a difference. And I did that by hanging out with my friends, trying to pick up women, and getting really drunk a lot and partying. Yet all you kids want to do these days is go online and take snapchats on your instagrams with your youtubes and Nintendo Entertainment Systems. No wonder everything is so messed up!
- Understand and appreciate the sacrifice your elders have made so that you can have the things in life that you have. Ever attended a public school? Driven on a road in the car your mommy bought you? Played sports in a public park? Well, you’re fucking welcome. I sacrificed a very small percentage of my income, and paid more for shit I bought so you could do those things. Maybe a fucking thank you every now and then would be nice.
- Ignore most of what old people want. Okay, I’m just going to say it. This list is bullshit. We’re all delusional in thinking things were really better in the past. Sure, some things were better, economic equality (From 1930-1980-ish), voice in government, etc… But a lot of stuff sucked and was harder. I welcome technology.
- But definitely do #1. Give us that much. Maybe we’ll be less grumpy with you if you do.
Keep doing what you’re doing, when you get older, you’re going to change the world for the better. I hope. Good luck.
Okay, I forgot the other 6 things. What did you expect? I’m old.