Just Die Already!!!!

Hello dear reader(s)!

Do you know that cottonwood trees are absolutely unnecessary to the eco-system?  It’s true.  If they were to disappear, no insects, other plants, or animals would be harmed.  All of the benefits we usually get from trees don’t come from cottonwoods.  The only thing that cottonwoods are good for is torturing people with their itchy balls of allergy causing fluff.

I try my best to be responsible with my carbon footprint, and how I treat the environment.  The cottonwoods are causing me to rethink my position.  If we pave over every thing, sure, it might get hotter, and we will be creating less oxygen and scrubbing less carbon from the atmosphere…but there will be no cottonwood fluff of death raining its misery and hives down onto an unsuspecting populous.

Yesterday, my lovely Hannah and I decided that we would go to lunch and then take a walk through the arboretum at a local park because there would be shade.  We didn’t anticipate that we would be victims of a premeditated campaign of biological terror.  The trees were attacking us, sending fluffy pollen bombs onto our skin and into our lungs.  Our lungs!  It makes me wonder how the government can stockpile medicines in case of an anthrax attack but has not done anything to protect the citizenry against the brutal onslaught of these bio-weapons unleashed upon us in our own parks, neighborhoods, and wooded areas.  Where is the DHS to deal with this domestic terror threat?  How many more people will needlessly suffer before something is done?

Did you know that cottonwoods are a gateway tree?  It’s true, where you find cottonwood trees, chances are you will find some other species of plant or tree nearby.  That can’t be coincidence!  We need to schedule cottonwood as a level 0 controlled substance.  1 isn’t low enough.  Not only is there no real use for a cottonwood, but they are so very dangerous to health and well-being, and ultimately, the national security that we must eradicate all of them.

I have a plan on how we can be victorious against this sinus headache, itchy, congestion causing menace.  I will need everyone’s help.  It won’t be easy, and not everyone will make it to the day the cottonwood threat is no more.  But think of your children, their children’s children, the children of those children and the Alien Lizard Overlords, and their clones!  Speaking of children, that is step one…

  1. Have as many children as possible.  The more children, the more people.  The more people, the more growth of cities.  The more cities, the less habitat for cottonwoods!
  2. Dump your hazardous materials in cottonwood infested areas.  Oh sure, some of the nearby plants and animals, as well as the groundwater may be contaminated, but if plants and animals are associating with those cottonwoods, don’t they deserve it too?
  3. Believe in climate change, and contribute as much to it as you can.  Cottonwoods thrive in the current climate.  Change that climate, and do you think they will do as well?  I don’t know, but there is only one way to find out!!!!
  4. Pave everything!  I’ve never seen a cottonwood grow through a piece of roadway.  Besides, the more paved roads, the more cars we can get on those roads, the more we can make it harder for cottonwoods to survive!
  5. Be vigilant!  If you see a cottonwood, say something.  If you see cottonwoods who are actually in the process of terrorizing people, you have a responsibility to take those trees out.  Flonase is a pretty good allergy medicine, but do you know what works even better?  Fire.

Now I should add this disclaimer that I am not condoning arson on cottonwood trees so someone doesn’t come after me for giving some person who is seriously too easily persuaded, (or someone who was looking for an excuse), a reason to carry out their nefarious deeds…I’m just saying that if it were cottonwood trees on the business end of a fire I might not lose any sleep.  After all, they attacked me, they attack many of us, and I believe in the right to self-defense.  


This picture was taken during a happier time, before the nightmare of my attack changed my life for…for…for a couple hours until the itchiness went away, until I woke up with a sinus headache and congestion this morning, so probably until they stop releasing the fluff which will hopefully be finished by the end of the month.


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

12 thoughts on “Just Die Already!!!!”

  1. We have cottonwoods all over Sacramento. I am one who is NOT allergic (my nemesis is the fruitless mulberry trees with their caterpillar-shaped pollen pods of death). The cottonwoods leave a cottony mess all over, though. Another blogger just posted a DIY tissue bag, maybe you need one of those. 🙂 Sorry for your misery 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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