Hello dear reader(s)!
Do you ever wake up in the morning, even after not much sleep but more than the night before and feel like you are in a kind of delirious stupor? No? It is just me? Yeah, I kinda figured.
No wait, it can’t be just me, because it also happens to Hannah, and out basement slave. So I’m betting (but not with actual real money, because poverty) that it happens to some of you from time to time. Both Hannah and I are feeling a little sore from sitting around doing next to nothing yesterday because of the lack of sleep from the night prior, and my stomach deciding I should not be less than 100 ft from the nearest bathroom. So as we were waking up this morning, (thanks to the kitty harassment), we were complaining about how sore we are. But do you think we complained like normal human beings? No, of course not, we basically Weird Al’ed a couple of songs stuck in our heads from the YouTube alphabet game the night before, using our sore muscles as alternate lyrics. That’s right, if any of you thought either of us were cool, you need to erase that notion from your head immediately.
So as we were waking up we decided to scream at the neighbor’s cock. The neighbor’s cock keeps us awake after we are accosted by the kitties and their desire for food. Actually, the kitties don’t desire their food, they desire to be fed. Which means it is 25 minutes before the time we usually put their food down for them and they want their food down so they can take three bites of it and walk away. As we tell them to go away (after grabbing them to cuddle rape) and that they still have 25 minutes before we are going to put their food down, the neighbor’s cock starts cockle-doodle-dooing. Who in the fucking fuck has a rooster on a 1/4 acre lot in the middle of town?!?! Rednecks, that’s who. I’m sure roosters aren’t allowed in this area but I’m not a cock snitch or anything like that.
I made myself an iced coffee this morning because it is supposed to be 81 degrees by noon. Remember last week when I was saying that it was snowing in the hills and cold as ISIS down here? Well, that’s over for now, although we’ll probably have a week of it around the beginning of July before it gets to 108. This is where I live. Awesome.
Speaking of cold as ISIS, I have decided that (what with all of the gritty reboot of classic or even more recent but popular movies that Hollywood seems to be fixated on), I will do the same with music. So now, in my delirium, I present to you, my gritty reboots of classic or popular songs.
- Cold as ISIS – Foreigner
- Stop Believin’ – Journey
- Jukebox Zero – also Foreigner
- Pour Some Sugar Substitute On Me – Def Leppard
- ISIS ISIS Baby – Vanilla Ice
- Downtown Funky Smell – Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars
- Gonna Make You Sweat (whether you like it or not) – C&C Music Factory
- Unhappy – Pharrel
- With or Without You (either way is fine) – U2
- Wet Dreams -Eurythmics
- Iraq – Flock of Seagulls
- When Doves Die – Prince
- Hungry Like the Wolf Because the Wolf’s Habitat Has Been Destroyed – Duran Duran
- Eye of the Tiger Found Next to the Horn of the Rhinoceros – Survivor
- Failed Physical – Olivia Newton John
- You Shook Me All Night Long and That’s Child Abuse – ACDC
- Walk Like An Egyptian After A “Virginity Test” – The Bangles
- I Melt With You Because of Climate Change – Modern English
- Beat It Senseless – Michael Jackson
Before I go, I would like to send a personal message to any musicians in a band or thinking of forming one. PLEASE, please name your band, or change your band’s name to something that starts with the letter X. X is a really tough letter to get when playing YouTube alphabet because no music from bands that start with X (at least on YouTube) is even remotely enjoyable. You’ll be doing the world a serious favor, unless you suck, in which case don’t bother, because there are already a couple X bands that suck.