The Turnaround

Hello dear reader(s)!

As you may or may not be aware, I have been struggling a lot since I relocated back to my hometown.  I’ve been stressed, my health has not been great, and my expenses have far exceeded what I thought.  Add to that the fact that two sources of income that are still owed to me have not materialized, and things have been pretty rough.

But sometime roughly two weeks ago, things started getting a little easier.  The money still hasn’t come in, but we got some of our expenses knocked down by smarter planning and shopping.  I still owe some people money, because that money hasn’t arrived, but even if it never comes (and it better), I am going to be able to start paying on that debt pretty soon.  The debt is luckily enough to my family, who have been very forgiving and understanding of my circumstances, but it still makes me feel bad not paying them as expected.  Thankfully, barring some catastrophe (knock on wood) that should be changing as we are catching up.  Knowing that has helped remove a ton of stress.

So I started to be able to sleep again at night.  I’ve been taking walks every day, or even jogging a bit, and have been writing a bit of my book (and by bit…I mean bit).  I got a cheap guitar and am playing that almost daily, except when my fingers are too hurt or blistered.  I hope they callous over soon!  I have been toying around with a few new songs, and am even trying to sing from time to time.

All of this has resulted in a better mood, and a better feeling of well-being.  And then yesterday, I had my doctor’s appointment.

When my doctor walked in the room, she looked exhausted.  I asked her how she was and she told me that her day had been rough but, “you are the bright spot”.

As of roughly 5 pm yesterday, I am very happy to announce, that for the first known time since being back here in my hometown, that I am no longer neutropenic!!!!!  1200 neutrophils!!!!!!   My hemoglobin is in the normal range and my platelets are all the way up to 90!  (150 is normal, but anything over 50 is stable.)

I feel as if a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I asked for a printout of the referral she sent to the psychiatrist back in April (the one that hasn’t called me to this day) so that I could either call and get an appointment myself, or explain the issue to my insurance company so that I can find another one who will actually make appointments.  I’m not positive I want to see someone who doesn’t get back to patients referred to them in a month and a half anyway.  But after hearing the news of my counts, I feel like I can actually take on dealing with that now, rather than being worried it will add to the stress and I will have another breakdown.  I plan on making the calls when I am done with this post, my coffee, something in my stomach, and a little exercise.  Either way, I feel like I can deal with it now.

I slept like garbage last night.  Not because of stress, but because Hannah was not sleeping well and was tossing, turning, and kneeing me in the back.  I tried to go out on the couch, but I can’t sleep without her either.  Oh well.  At least I know it was external factors.

I got out of bed at one point around 1:30 in the morning, and went to the bathroom.  Hannah asked me if I could bring her a glass of water.  So I go to the kitchen, and see that the door to the garage is open, and there is a light on.

What the what?!?!?!

I call for Hannah to come out there, asking her if she was in the garage for some reason.  She said she wasn’t.  I grabbed one of my weapons, and peeked into the garage.  Both main doors were closed, it seemed empty, except for one of my cats who walked back into the kitchen and rubbed against my feet.

After continuing to interrogate Hannah, we both realized that earlier in the day, she went out to look for a push broom.  We came to the conclusion that she likely left the light on (oops, but it happens) and the door not completely latched, (if you don’t push it solid, it will bounce back slightly open).  Then the cat probably pulled it open and went out to explore.  The things that worries me is that in this area there are field mice, and when my dad and Hannah were moving some broken down boxes from the garage to the shed, they saw a mouse run into the garage.  Given my immune issues, I am banned from the garage.  I can only hope a mouse didn’t get in.  I don’t think any are nesting in the garage though, so I think we’re probably safe.  My cats would likely make quick work of them if one did venture inside, and I haven’t heard any scratching or anything.  I have decided not to worry about it, unless I find that there is one in the house and then I will deal with that if it comes.  Why have I decided that?

Because of the turnaround.

Stress was preventing sleep, stress was affecting my counts, stress was leaving me vulnerable to more serious issues.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie ten Boom

So believe it or not, there is a point to this rambling blather.  If you are stressing…do whatever it takes to ease that stress.  Do not be apologetic.  Do not feel guilty.  You don’t have to be a recovering bone marrow transplant patient for it to negatively impact your life.  Your health and life could depend on it, so if anyone has an issue with your need to relax, you can tell them I said they can go jump off a bridge.  With a bungee cord.  Might help them de-stress too.


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

26 thoughts on “The Turnaround”

  1. I’m super pleased for you and your numbers!
    Otherwise, I liked most the part about how you couldn’t sleep with Hannah tossing about, but you couldn’t sleep without her. That’s precious. I feel like that often.


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