The Guaranteed Way To Be Freshly Pressed

Hello dear reader(s)!

As you know, I do not blog.  I blog-type-thing.  I don’t really care about my stats or followers (not that I don’t care about you, I mean, if something happened to any of you I’d be upset, unless that something that happened was good in which case I would be happy for you, but I’m getting off track here).  I love my dear reader(s) which is why they are my dear reader(s) instead of the reader(s) I hold in no regard.  I love getting comments unless they tell me how they are superior in every way to everyone else or they tell me that I can go suck a bag of Thought Catalog.  But as I have mentioned numerous times, I am not in it for the numbers, the page views, the followers, the chicken, the fish, the beef, the vegetables, the big screen TV, the Tesla Model S (although, if someone wants to give me a Tesla Model S for writing this blog-type-thing, I wouldn’t turn it down).  I do it because I have to write.  I have to express myself.  I feel a strange and rather stupid desire to tell the uncaring world about my innermost thoughts and other deep stuff.

But that’s just me.

Many of you, are in it for the stats.  You want that popularity.  You want to widen your audience.  Perhaps you have a book to sell and would like your pitch to reach as many people as possible.  Perhaps you want to be discovered as the next great blogger along the lines of so many famous bloggers that have come before whose names nobody knows.  Perhaps you are hoping to be able to blog for a living and need the page views for ad revenue.  Perhaps you want to be discovered for your writing abilities and have it translate into a job offer as a columnist or some other type of writer.  Perhaps you are looking to become a regular paid contributor to one of the larger blog-style webpages.  Perhaps I am starting too many sentences with “Perhaps”.

And that is great, if you want to blog for those reasons.  Just because I do not share your motivation for blogging, does not mean that I am judging you.  No, I am judging you for a whole host of other reasons that have nothing to do with your motivation for blogging.  Like your hair.  Seriously?  Your hair.

So with my years of experience in all things blogging related, minus all of the time I wasn’t involved at all with blogging, or blog-type-thinging, I have figured out a surefire method for being Freshly Pressed.  And if I were the type of person who cared about widening my audience, my followers, my stats, my doorways; I would keep this method for myself and employ it for my benefit only.  I would get myself Freshly Pressed and look down upon you and laugh, from my new position of WordPress Poweblogger, with a nice, shiny Freshly Pressed logo in the sidebar of my newly purchased premium theme.  But since I am a nice guy, a kind and benevolent leader, and not a wrathful and jealous Josh; I have decided to share this guaranteed way to become Freshly Pressed with you, my dear reader(s).  I entrust you, to use this power for good.  Remember, the words of Uncle Ben, “The rice is cooked.”

This method, this guaranteed way of becoming Freshly Pressed is so secret…so controversial, that I must put it at the bottom of this page for the sake of the security of free people throughout the world.  Please scroll down to see the guaranteed way to become Freshly Pressed.

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Be one of the olives accepted by The Olive Press in Sonoma, CA, USA.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

53 thoughts on “The Guaranteed Way To Be Freshly Pressed”

  1. Lol 🙂

    It was starting to sound like some scam informercials haha… I was expecting you to offer some “products” that could “help” bloggers to be freshly pressed 😛

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha, I also wanna make one myself.

        You may try Youtube, there are just too many people there that have too much time in their hands 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You had me hooked from the beginning of this post. I don’t care about being freshly pressed myself but I have been curious about how it happens. I read so I could find out. I guess now I know…or not. Very funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HA! Thank you. I have heard many theories, some conspiracies, some not. I know one person I follow got Freshly Pressed, had a big jump in stats right after, and then his views tanked to levels below before he was. And his content has only gotten better, IMO.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. That’s interesting. I haven’t found Freshly Pressed posts to be better or stronger than many other posts I read. It almost resembles a high school popularity contest where the winners lack real substance, not that freshly pressed posts are bad but I don’t find them to be the best. And this isn’t sour grapes…or sour olives that have been rejected.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have read these Freshly Pressed posts of which you speak, and I have to say – I don’t get it. And in a naïve way I was hoping that you might have the answers as the ruler of the blog-thing, what selection process is it they use, seems to be no rhyme or reason.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I want to be Freshly Pressed badly, I’ll admit it. I have written what I thought were moving posts, not that being pressed was in my mind when I wrote them (that only came much later when I read someone else’s post who HAD been Freshly Pressed for a post strikingly similar to mine.) But, I think I have too few followers (nothing I can do about that) and I don’t use other promotional vehicles to get posts more widely read (Tumblr being the one that comes to mind.) So, it is what it is. By the way, can someone nominate you for Freshly Pressed? I have always wondered what that Press This button is. Anyway, I know you meant this as a joke, but there’s validity for me in it.

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t use Tumblr either. I tried it, but it seems to be mostly kids and porn. As far as Freshly Pressed is concerned, you could write great stuff all of the time but they may never find it because there are so many posts out there. I have also heard a rumor that having a premium theme helps, though WP strongly denies that.

      Like

  6. Interesting point made about premium themes. And Josh … I live slap bang next door to an old abandoned olive press on Corfu. Just send me one million euros and I will start the presses running again.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Also have to say, I find more interesting posts by like minded people by making sure I check out people’s blogs who are kind enough to visit mine and drop me a welcomed like or a comment than some of the way over my head stuff on Freshly pressed! Keep the good oil coming Josh!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe you. This was a post in fun. No ill will to those who actually are freshly pressed or have tons of followers. Even if they seek them out. I even said that. I don’t care, but it isn’t me. Freshly Pressed isn’t something I’d turn down. It was just to poke a little fun at those who think it’s the end all be all.

      Like

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