Hello dear reader(s)!
Did you know that Hannah and I were famous once? Well, not exactly famous, but we were featured on TV. It was not too long ago, in fact, I don’t even know if the episode has aired yet, but I guess it must have since they allowed us to show some stills taken during filming.
Basically, Hannah and I were feeling a bit nostalgic for the days when we first met and I was living in the motor home in my dad’s driveway that we still affectionately refer to as “The Shed”. We were drinking a few Olympia Beers (the best beer on the planet) and having shots of Jager and Everclear when Hannah came up with a brilliant idea. We would borrow The Shed from my dad and drive it out to the desert to go camping. He wouldn’t mind, since he was out-of-town anyway.
We woke up bright and early (actually it was still dark outside because we didn’t want the neighbors to see us breaking the windows of my dad’s house in order to get the keys) and set off for my dad’s. Getting in was difficult because the windows were not easy to break and we don’t know the code for the alarm system. After fighting off the dogs with a home-made TASER we constructed when we first came up with the plan, we grabbed the keys. We knew we only had a matter of time as the alarm was sounding and I know it is monitored. We ran to The Shed and fired up the willing engine, responding with a roar.
We took off before the cops showed up to investigate the break-in, and were on our way. We knew they would catch up to us eventually but figured we had a couple of days of camping fun before we would have to face the consequences. Along the way, we stopped at a convenience store for energy drinks and more alcohol. The clerk at the store noticed the energy drinks and asked if we wanted something a little stronger.
“Well hell, yes!” I responded enthusiastically. “All this alcohol can make you tired and we only have a little bit of time to enjoy this camping trip, so we don’t wanna waste it sleepin’ or some bullshit like that.”
The clerk sold us a bag of some green crystal-like energy supplement for $20. He said it was like energy Pop-Rocks.
Hannah and I were thrilled and had some right away.
As I was trying to drive us into the desert, Hannah kept getting on my nerves about how fast I was going so I stopped picking at the skin on my face long enough to punch her in the mouth. She grabbed a frying pan and hit me with it while I was driving! I couldn’t believe and was so pissed off, but also really turned on. We pulled over in the dirt and tried to make another baby to give away right then and there. After that she was still mad at me so I punched her in the eye and told her to use that frying pan and make me some breakfast.
She did as she was told, but only because I was holding a gun to her head. Literally, I held my gun to her head so she’d shut up and make the damn eggs. I still don’t know why she was complaining, it wasn’t like she wasn’t going to get any eggs and I was going to eat them all myself. I’m not a monster, after all. She called me an asshole and then told me she loved me. So we ate breakfast, I put down the gun and we tried to make more babies.
About a minute after I finished, so about 2 minutes into it, the cops circled the motor home and told us to come out with our hands on top of our heads. Well, we were havin’ none of that and yelled out that they would never take us alive. Hannah called them a bunch of fat pigs. The tear gas canisters came into the windows on the motor home, but they didn’t bug us any. It just seemed to add to the special energy Pop-Rocks and the alcohol. We tried to make another baby.
About 30 seconds later, when I had finished, Hannah’s mood changed and she got really angry with me. She told me that I must have called the cops on her because there was no way they could have found us so quickly. She told us to put on our Sunday best so we could go out and try to reason with them. So we did get dressed up in our best clothes and as I went to open the door, Hannah hit me over the head with that same frying pan. I grabbed a beer to try to ease the pain and my gun to defend myself, but she just kept coming after me.
I ran outside and was shocked to see not only the cops surrounding us, but the TV cameras. Hannah was still chasing me with the frying pan and I took a couple of warning shots in her direction with my gun.
Well that must have really turned her on because she dropped the frying pan to her side and started twerking all up on me. So I tried to make dry babies with her and that is when the cops came up and took my gun and beer away from me and put me in handcuffs. Hannah got one more shot on my noggin’ with the frying pan before she too was disarmed and taken into custody.
My dad decided not to press charges and because I was not discharging the firearm in a populated area, because we really believed that we were taking energy Pop-Rocks, and because they could not prove that we were driving the motor home while drinking, and not drinking after it was parked, we were eventually let go. Here are the stills that were given to me by the show’s producers.
*We were not really on Cops, this is a Parody, and I do not claim to own the rights or any affiliation for that show. The Cops logo used as the featured image is credited to “COPS intertitle” by Screenshot from Season 24 Episode 1. Licensed under Public Domain via Wikipedia – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:COPS_intertitle.png#/media/File:COPS_intertitle.png