WordPress Cult, Cat, Labs, And Gas

Hello dear reader(s)!

Only 3 more days until the apocalypse!  The government is reading our blogs so that we know it is time.  The bunkers are all built, and well stocked with the grape flavored powdered drink mix and the cyanide for our ascension.  Just follow me.  Follow me.  Like everything I say, and you will be at peace.  You need someone to follow!

Doesn’t it seem a bit like a cult?  WordPress tells people what to write (with prompts), their “Freshly Pressed” tells you who to follow.  There are WordPress martyrs (those who constantly complain of being oppressed despite their huge popularity and…all the followers), there are those who attempt to go against the tide who are ridiculed and shunned.  If people want to advance, they need to pay to the WordPress for the premium services.  And anytime you voice dissent their excuse for whatever issue is that they don’t have to do anything for you.  Aren’t you happier with this site than those other, dogmatic blogging sites?  You aren’t happy here?  You could always go to Tumblr.  But if you go there, you can never hope to reach Freshly Pressed status.

They even give instruction on how you can advance within the cult to the level of Freshly Pressed and have as many followers as they will allow.

I’m waiting for a member of Congress to come investigate the site and be met at the airstrip by armed bloggers who will murder for the sake of our precious little blogs.

Okay, I’m joking.  Mostly.  But this blogging stuff is kind of addicting.  You form relationships with people you don’t even know, and when one of those people recommends something, everyone who reads that person’s blogs suddenly goes there.  (Which was really nice of everyone to check out my wife’s new blog, by the way), but it does somewhat illustrate my point.

My favorite WordPress/cult example is when the messiah of WordPress decides to open his blog for linking and promoting of other blogs and people lose their shit.  Suddenly, there is 87 million reblogs of the initial post announcing that it is open for links.  Everyone throws their links into the comments hoping that a few of the 900,034 followers will see their link and then they will have one more follower.  Follower.  Everyone wants a follower.  Even L. Ron Hubbard couldn’t come up with a cult that good.

I went to get lab work done this morning.  Do you know why that is awesome?  It isn’t.  They had to get morning cortisol levels to see if my adrenal glands have started working again, after years and years of prednisone.  (Might help explain the fatigue, a little.)  So I wasn’t supposed to have my coffee beforehand, which basically means that I was unable to function.  On top of that, I did not sleep well last night due to reasons that will go unmentioned (bad reasons, not good ones), so this morning has been a barrel of monkey feces.

We got up at pre-dawn to go feed and hang out with my dad and stepmother’s cat before the labs, and when we get there, we hear this loud, annoying, BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!  Trying to figure out what it was, we realize it is louder toward the back bedroom.  Being that early, we still managed to put 2 & 2 together and realized that it was an alarm clock (yes, they still make alarm clocks).  We got there pretty early, so we imagine that it couldn’t have been going off for that long, but the poor cat must not have been happy as she never came out from under the bed.  Poor thing.  So we fed her, Hannah reached under and pet her a bit, but decided to leave and go to the appointment so that she would come out and eat.

We get to the appointment, and we are a little early, but I need to check in and give them my insurance information.  I was behind some lady who moved literally slower than molasses, filled with mud, going through a tube 1/4 inch wide, with no pressure to push it through, and level to gravity.  I mean, slow.  But, I moved that slow once, and wasn’t really frustrated, just amazed that someone that immobile was not admitted,  Anyway, she gets done and out-of-the-way, and I give my cards to the check-in reception person, who moves almost as slow in processing everything.  Then we wait for 10 minutes until my appointment time,  Then we wait another 15 before we are called back for a draw that takes roughly 5 minutes including printing out the labels.  We were there early, they could have at least been on time.

Once leaving, I decided that I need coffee, food, and the Beastess needs gas.  Then we wait in traffic in the only place in this town that actually has any traffic issues of any kind.  When we finally get through the log jam of suburban flight commuters, we decide to keep going because the gas between the lab and my house is too expensive.  We are both starving at this point.  So, we do something horrible.

We go to McDonald’s.  I needed food.  I don’t know if you can call it food, but it was something to put in my stomach so that I can take my pills.  It isn’t their burgers after all, just breakfast, so hopefully, I only took 4 years off my life as opposed to the usual twenty.

Then we go to the gas station.  I have been advised to stay away from pumping gas.  Too many germs on the handle and around the pump.  So I pay for it, and Hannah gets out and pumps the gas, while I open a breakfast burrito to shove into my fat face.  As I do, in drives a car with a guy who glares at me sitting in the cab stuffing McDonald’s in my face, while my beautiful wife is pumping my gas.  I could practically see his mind thinking, “Asshole!”

And all I could think was, I just want to be home, drinking coffee, surrounded by those I follow in the safety of my cult WordPress.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

28 thoughts on “WordPress Cult, Cat, Labs, And Gas”

  1. I laughed out loud at your description of the cult mentality. I was one of those who followed your wife’s blog. 🙂
    I don’t mind checking out recommendations of people whose blogs I enjoy because I find the community aspect of this whole thing pleasant (most of the time).
    I’m not as concerned with gaining readers in terms of numbers. Quality over quantity and all that jazz.

    I hope all of your health-related things fall into place and that the breakfast burrito doesn’t come back to haunt you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know cults are bad things but I kinda like this one. A day never starts out good when you cannot start with coffee. So drink up sending good thoughts in a cultish way.

    Like

  3. Wow! Your description of cult mentality and social-media addiction was surreal in its accuracy. It made me laugh, but more in that uncomfortable “oh my god is this real life?” kind of laugh. Too real, man. Too real.

    Seriously, though. This was a good post. Awesome.

    Like

  4. hahaha.. poor guy.
    And I am following your wife. BECAUSE I was thinking the other day “Hannah should start blogging”…. and POOF! So now I’m going to go buy a lotto ticket – I have a “hunch” on some numbers..um.

    Like

  5. I had my cortisol levels checked once, as they say it affects pain levels. Afterwards, I find out the test wasn’t covered by Medicare since Medicare doesn’t think checking cortisol levels for a chronic pain patient is important. I tried to read the results myself, with a little internet help (instead of taking it to yet another expensive specialist to translate), but wasn’t successful. How long before your test results come back?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope your tests come back with the desired results.
    I lmao at cult messiah and 87 reposts. For a long time now, I thought I was the only one. I don’t crave followers, I prefer a loyal audience. That’s what makes WordPress all cult-y and happy for me!
    I’m pretty sure McD’s breakfast contains some nutrition. At least, that’s what I tell myself when I want a sausage biscuit and a 32oz Coke at 7am…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Another great post, people are so easily manipulated into the sheep-mentality. Although I followed your wife’s blog because she seems like such a nice and cool person 🙂 I hope your test results come out good. There’s McD here too, and I always feel sick after eating it… 😀

    Like

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