Hello dear reader(s), distinguished members of WordPress, the American people, and citizens of the world.
Have you ever noticed that politicians who are elected to terms that last a certain number of years, and can be re-elected, always announce a plan to solve a problem in one more year than their term? So basically, they are saying if you want them to actually do something, then you have to re-elect them. Presidents of the United States, who are elected to a 4 year term, have a 5 year plan. Senators, a 7 year plan, etc, etc…
Well, since I want to be your President, I have come up with a 5 year plan for how we can stop the polarization of this great nation of ours. As you know, a house divided against itself cannot stand. Except for maybe a duplex, a duplex is divided, and against itself, I mean, a lot of the times the support wall on a side-by-side duplex is the wall that divides it, so it is divided against itself and indeed, that is the only way it can stand. But Lincoln’s poor metaphorical skills do not invalidate the thrust of his argument which is that he can eloquently say 87, no…wait, the argument there is that a country doesn’t really function as good as it could when the people in it despise everything about each other.
Anyway, where was I going with this? I’ve lost my train of thought. (Which, as you know, is one of the most important qualifications in a Presidential candidate.) Oh yeah, my 5 year plan to stop the polarization of our great nation. (Hey, that rhymed, I could be a poetical President.) Anyway, I now present to you, friends, Romans, countrymen and countrywomen, or citymen, or citywomen, ya know, all y’all: My 5 Year Plan on the Depolarization of America!!!!!!
In order to depolarize this country, we will
- Ban compasses, starting immediately. As you know, compasses tell direction. But do you know how? The Independent Office for Wasting Taxpayer Funds on Stuff You Already Knew has determined that compasses are in fact, magnetic, and that is why the needle points to the North. And do you know why? Because of the magnetic North Pole! How can we, as a nation, depolarize when we tell our direction based on a pole? No wonder why there are problems between the West Coast and the East Coast rappers, the South and everyone else, and the Midwest and anyone who doesn’t like high fructose corn syrup?
- Make strip clubs into lap-dance only establishments. A major source of poles in America is strip clubs and likely a good reason we are so polarized. All of these strippers pole dancing instead of lap dancing is leading to major strife. If you are a stripper, I urge you to voluntarily do only lap dancing, until this bill is passed and signed into law.
- Get rid of expensive sunglasses. Cheap sunglasses usually are not a problem, but the more expensive ones can definitely lead to issues. Some cheap ones too, but typically, only the expensive sunglasses need to be banned. The reason? Polarizing lenses. Of course you are going to see things as polarized when looking through lenses that are made to do exactly that! These hate producing lens companies are destroying America. And using the health of your eyes as an excuse is just not acceptable. We know the truth. Modern day lens terrorists.
- Find and destroy any remaining Polaroid cameras. Why would anyone still have one of these anyway? Granted, they were great for amateur porn, but now we have digital for that. A nudie shot with a Polaroid just does not compare to the many megapixel digital images you can snap and then filter through a number of editing programs. But that is really besides the point, the point is, these Polaroids polarize!
So, if you are intelligent enough to elect me as your
dictator President, I promise that for the first 4 years of my administration we will set up commissions to study the effects of setting up commissions to study the effects of implementing legislation to set up commissions in order to study the implementation of this legislation. And in the 5th year, I promise we will implement whatever pieces of this proposed legislation make it through the committees in Congress and then a vote, and onto my desk, provided those pieces make it through the court challenges and are deemed Constitutional and do not have any horribly objectionable amendments attached. Gee, isn’t our system grand?
So vote for me, and I promise to push my 5 year plan for as long as it is politically expedient.