Hello dear reader(s)!
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that left you feeling unsatisfied? Is there a secret fantasy that you would love to make a reality but just feel too embarrassed or ashamed to bring it up to your partner(s)?
Well, never fear because we have brought back self-proclaimed relationship expert Joshua Wrenn, GED for a frank discussion about sex.
Warning: This post features frank discussions about sex and sexuality. Not discussions about Frank’s sex and sexuality, but frank discussions about sex and sexuality. There will not be graphic discussions about sex, because that isn’t this type of blog (not that there is anything wrong with those), but the discussions will be frank. Don’t worry Frank, your secrets are safe with us.
Josh: I want to thank you for stopping back by to assist my dear reader(s) with their sexual issues.
Joshua: It is their pleasure.
Josh: Don’t you mean, “It is my pleasure?”
Joshua: No. I am trying to help your reader(s) with their pleasure. My pleasure is just fine, thank you, I’m a self-proclaimed relationship expert.
Josh: I see. So what makes you feel you can offer my dear reader(s) insight into their sexual fulfillment?
Joshua: Yes, I am not going to go into detail about my sex life in your little blog-type-thing. Suffice to say, I am happy. Can we leave it at that, or do I have to get the paddle?
Josh: I’m sorry, shall we begin?
Hello dear reader(s) of this blog-type-thing, I’m back to help you all with your pathetic-er-um-I mean important relationship issues. Today, I will specifically address one of the more important aspects of a relationship, known to many of us experts in the field as something called “sex”. Sex has been around for at least 25 years now, and is widely gaining popularity in relationships today. Many people believe that by the year 2017, a lot of people will have sex.
So what is sex, and why is it important to a healthy relationship? Well, the answers to those questions are too lengthy to address in this post, but you can find out by ordering my entire “Sex, Is It Something You Should Know About?” seminar on DVD for the low, low, cost of just $99.95, plus S&H. (Not S&M, that is part of my Advanced Seminar.) But, because I care about your sexual well-being, and because people are expecting posts, I have decided to share with you my 7 Ways You Can Improve Your Sex Life, absolutely free. (Donations are appreciated.)
1. Find Someone (or Someone(s), if that is what you are in to) that you want to have sex with.
This is very important but is often one of the most skipped-over steps when pursuing a sexual relationship. Oftentimes, people get together out of loneliness or desperation and find that they are not sexually attracted to their partner(s). If you have no desire to have sex with the person you are with, chances are, your sexual needs will not be met.
2. Be certain that the person(s) you want to have sex with also want to have sex with you.
You don’t want to be a rapist, do you? If you want to play a fantasy version of that and all parties are of consenting age and consent, well then, that technically isn’t rape, now is it? Do not rape, rape is not cool. Not only will you be uncool if you rape, you should just fucking shoot yourself and do the rest of humanity a favor.
3. Disclose any sexually transmittable diseases or infections you may have to the person(s) with whom you want to have sex, before having sex.
Get tested, and use protection unless you are absolutely certain that the person(s) you desire sex with are not carrying something and are not having sex with anyone who does. Even then, better safe to use protection in the beginning of your relationship.
4. Talk to the person(s) with whom you would like to have sex with about the sexual things you do, want to do, or fantasize about doing but don’t actually want to do.
Be honest, it’s the 17th Century for Weezus’ sakes! Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve just been informed it is the 21st century. My apologies. I would also like to apologize for the Kanye reference.
5. After talking, do those things that you both agree to do.
Because that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?
6. If you find that the person(s) you want to do things with doesn’t want to do the things you want to do, analyze how important those things are to you against everything else they bring to the table. (Or wherever you like to do it.)
If you find that they aren’t doing enough of the things you want them to do, and you don’t see that changing, and it is an issue to you, let them know, and find someone who will. Do not just go behind their back for that, because that would make you an asshole. How the person(s) and you choose to handle that is up to all involved, as long as they know.
7. Stop caring what others may think.
Your sexual happiness is between you and the person(s) with whom you choose to have sex with. You do not need to defend it to others. If you are religious, you may have to answer for it one day (depending upon your religion and your specific interpretation of said religion), but you owe no explanation for what you enjoy to anyone who is not a person(s) you have sex with.
Thank you for reading this post today, I hope you found it thought-provoking, and enlightening. If you did not, since this post was delivered for free, you can send a request for a full refund to: Speaker John Boener, 1011 Longworth House Office Building, WA, D.C., 20002.