Hello dear reader(s)! (dramatic pause) On this beautiful day I would like to impart my knowledge as one of the interweb’s leading blog-type-thingers for those of you suffering from too many page views, too many comments, and worst of all – too many followers. You see, having page views, comments and followers can lead to many destructive things such as high self-esteem, success, and fun. Comments can lead to a feeling of obligation to read and possibly even like or reply, page views can cause stress by knowing you are not just writing into the void, and followers can lead to getting to know someone’s online personality and perhaps even develop into feelings of respect and/or admiration. All of these leads you dangerously down the path of actual human interaction.
So, as a service to you, my dear reader(s), I present to you, my 7 Ways To Make Your Blog Invisible. (applause)
- Try not to use images very often, and if you do, make certain they have no relation to the subject you are writing about. As an example, here is a picture of my old drum set that has absolutely nothing to do with the subject of this post. Notice the bad cropping to make it fit as a previous theme’s header image. Do not fix this, it will only make the image better.
- Pay very close attention to the stats page that WordPress provides. Now, you are going to get some views unless you make your blog private, (but who wants to do all that clicking?) so notice the days where your counts are their lowest. Make sure to post any possibly interesting material on those days. Also, if you notice certain subjects seem to perform better than others, make sure to never touch on those subjects again.
- Know your followers. If someone follows you, make sure you check out their page. If their subject matter is enjoyable to you, bookmark their page on your browser. DO NOT FOLLOW THEM. You are not going to succeed at keeping your blog invisible by building relationships, are you? Just bookmark their page so you can stalk their content in secret. People like being followed and may check out your posts if you have followed them after they followed you, so it is imperative not to follow.
- Make sure that the title of your blog is in no way relevant to you or the content of your blog. A good example is “My Friday Blog” started by some weirdo who thought he was going to post his thoughts about the things that occurred during the week every Friday, but quickly decided he didn’t like that, or couldn’t. Now, if he wanted to attract visitors, he should change the name, but obviously he must not (or he could be a stubborn idiot). If your title is catchy, or relevant to the subject matter you post about, people may be drawn to it, and you wouldn’t want that.
- Be certain to post as inconsistently as possible. A good way to accomplish this is to make a post telling your dear reader(s) that you will post with a specific frequency (let’s say, every Friday), then stop for months or only post sporadically (do not blame your cancer, you could have still posted as you were near-death if you were really serious). Then when you begin posting again make a new post that will change the frequency to…let’s just say daily for the sake of this post. Then post daily, and sometimes multiple times a day, but at varying hours. This will keep your reader(s) off-guard and eventually may help them to lose interest.
- Do NOT post with any intent or theme. Some blogging experts will tell you that sticking to one subject or style isn’t necessarily required to be successful, and that is true. There are many successful blogs out there that have varying subject matter and styles. But they have to work much harder to reach that level of success. A niche blog is automatically going to draw readers interested in that particular subject. And what don’t we want? (wait for the audience to answer) That’s right, readers. So throw out a poem here, an opinion essay there, a post intended to be humorous but one that really isn’t very funny at all, a scathing critique of people of all political and religious as well as the staunchly non-religious believers – whatever you can do to make people not want to visit again.
- Donut proofreed inee ov tha posts that you right. Try vary hard too include ass many type ohs and grammattickal airers ass ewe kan. Maik shur thatt yer reeders half too stuggal juzt too tri an figgyer owt wut yew r triying too saa. Instead of calling yourself a loser, make sure to use looser instead. Rather than talking about your blog, talk about you’re blog. Instead of writing about their site, write about there site. When extolling the virtues of some artistic genius, such as Paris Hilton, make sure to write about her amazing talent using a mix of capital and lower case letters so you can further alienate anyone with a brain. (Example: i LuV pAriS hiLTon cUZ She HaS suCH PREttY plAStiC sKin!!! <3) Also, be sure to pepper your posts with liberal amounts of meaningless emoticons. When speaking of an accomplishment, make sure to follow it up with a 😦 and when writing about something sad, I like to throw in a :D. Anything you can do to keep people from possibly getting to know you.
Those are my 7 Ways To Make Your Blog Invisible. I want to assure you that these methods have been tested and deemed successful. Well, most of them. What type of things do you recommend to keep your blog invisible? Please leave your ideas in the Comments Section, although, if you do, I will find your page, and you may defeat the purpose.