For this post we would like to welcome back self-proclaimed relationship expert Joshua Wrenn, GED. Joshua’s insights into relationships and marriage has been instrumental in the happiness of couple(s) all over the condo, and the house before that, and the other house, and the motor home.
Josh: Welcome back, Joshua. It is so lovely of you to join us here today.
Joshua: Are you hitting on me? You should know I’m married. Besides, you’re not exactly my type, if you catch what I’m throwing down.
Josh: Um, no…I was simply thanking you for taking time out of your very busy schedule and fascinating life in order to help the lonely reader(s) of this blog-type-thing in the world of dating.
Joshua: That sounded like another come-on. Seriously, I’m not interested.
Josh: Um, how about we just get started, okay?
Joshua: Fine by me, just try not to focus on my body, got it?
Josh: So, what makes you qualified to give advice on dating considering that you are happily married.
Joshua: Aside from the GED after my name? How about the fact that I wasn’t always married and had to get to this point somehow, Poindexter. How about that? I’m not going to keep coming here if you are jut going to try and hit on me and then insult my qualifications when faced with rejection.
Josh: I’m sorry, how about you just take over now?
Hello fellow men, I am Joshua Wrenn, GED. I have dated quite a bit, am married now, was married once before, dated between those two marriages and watch a lot of TV and movies. In addition, I read a lot of blogs and articles on the interwebs about what both women and men are looking for in the dating world and I have developed exclusive strategies to help you out. Now, what I will be presenting to you are the most basic strategies that should help you get started in successful dating, but if you really want happiness, you can order my seminar DVD for the low cost of 3 easy payments of just 99.95 plus shipping and handling. I want to make a special point to say that this advice is for heterosexual men seeking heterosexual women, as they seem to be the two types of relationships portrayed on television, and therefore available for the study that goes into this. If you are not a heterosexual man looking for a heterosexual woman, you can choose to use any advice you please, but keep in mind that I am not responsible for any problems that arise. I also would like to state that my lack of responsibility applies to the heterosexual population as well, because I don’t want to get sued, regardless of who you love.
- Women owe you nothing. Before you even go out for the night, repeat this in your head over and over again enough times until you get it, If a woman isn’t interested, there is nothing wrong with her. She is not a bitch, or a whore, or a slut, or a (insert other derogatory term used by hard-up men here). There might be nothing wrong with you either though. Think about it, are you interested in everyone? (If so, you might want to get that checked out.)
- Confidence is key. Confidence. Not cockiness. There is a difference. Learn it. Use it. Know it. Love it. You don’t want to go up to a woman and tell her all the ways you believe you are God’s gift to women, but you don’t want to accidentally tell her you collect ears in a bucket, or that you only have one leg. You don’t need a line, just don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation. Notice something, compliment. Notice something other than her body. Don’t forget your name.
- Follow cues. Once you have begun small-talk, listen for words in her answers to basic questions that you can ask more about. Try to expand on those. Listen for things she likes to do to see if you have anything in common. If you are looking for anything more than just a one night stand, don’t pretend to be interested in the things she is. This goes double if you know absolutely nothing about the subject.
- Leave her wanting more. Before the awkward silence as you search for more things to talk to her about, ask for that number. If you’ve been talking pretty steady up to this point, you stand a pretty good chance. Remember if she doesn’t give it to you, just tell her it was nice talking to her then, and move on. There are plenty more fish in the sea of women, where the fishes are women in this instance. Not fish. Don’t go for the fish.
- Wait two days to call. If you really need to contact her before that, a text can be acceptable the next day, but should be no more complicated than, “Was nice meeting you. Looking forward to getting to know you.” Anything more and you look desperate or clingy, which works for some women, but not the ones you want. Trust me.
- You got a date, now what? Don’t take her to the movies. You want to talk, right? Do you like people who talk during movies? Neither do I. You will sit in silence looking at a screen. You could do that with your pants around your ankles at home. Try coffee, or if you really like her, a meal of some kind. Nothing too fancy, unless you want to appear desperate or clingy again. You don’t. By now, you know she likes you enough to go out somewhere with you, so you should be relaxed and have enough time to think of things to converse about. Don’t be afraid to open up a bit. Pay special attention to her body language. If she touches you a lot, she is likely interested. If she is fixing her hair, pointing an extremity in your direction, sitting close to you, chances are she likes you. If, however she is scowling at you, sitting as far as possible from you, looking for escape routes, flipping you off, vomiting whenever you speak…then this should probably be your last date, or you should take her to a hospital.
- If you go all the way. If you decide to have sex, and enjoyed it, and she seemed to, and you get the feeling that you’d both like to see each other again, try not to get up and leave as soon as you finish. Don’t leave any money on the nightstand, most women don’t appreciate that gesture. If you both had a good time and still seem interested well after, and if you don’t have any sudden unexplained itching and sores in the places the condom didn’t cover, make sure to do something nice to let her know you would like to see her again. You could send flowers (NOT ROSES!) with a little note that you had a great time with her and are looking forward to seeing her again. You could send a simple text telling her how you can’t get her out of your mind. The possibilities are endless.
- If all she wanted was a one night stand from you. She is not a whore, she is not a slut. She is simply someone who isn’t looking for a relationship with you. She does not owe you anything. Simply walk your walk of pride, hold your head up, and move on to the next fish (woman) in the sea (usually land).
It’s that easy, now go out and try these tonight. Use protection. Check for sores.