I Want To Believe

Hello my dear reader(s).  If you have read my blog-type-thing because you enjoy pain, you may have noticed that I am not a particularly religious person.  It isn’t that I don’t believe there are forces we don’t understand, because science has proven that there are.  I just really have a hard time buying into the words.  I dislike people who use literal interpretations of their religion’s texts, because they just aren’t logically possible, if interpreted literally.  I also have a problem believing that there can be completely conflicting religious experiences depending on the geographic region one was born in, and that those experiences are somehow incompatible and that only believers of religion A are right and believers of religion B are going to burn because they don’t accept that some guy who basically contradicted every stupid piece of dogma his father set up isn’t their savior.  I also despise people who claim to be followers of the son, yet stick with the rules set by the father, that the son basically nullified.  I despise anyone who would kill for their idea of what is right in a place that nobody can be sure exists beyond this Earth.  Killing people is wrong on this Earth.  If you have to defend yourself, I suppose it isn’t as bad, but to kill someone because their idea of what may happen after we die differs from yours is just insane.  Hurting people is wrong.  Doing something to someone you would not like done to you is wrong.  You don’t need religion to tell you that, you just need empathy.

But here is something you may not know about me.  I really, really WANT to believe.  I WANT to believe that there is a reason I got cancer.  I want to believe that there is a reason I grew up poor, am unable to work so will likely remain somewhat poor, and there are rich and powerful people who are allowed to use their money to hurt people while so many good people suffer in poverty and illness.  I want to believe that some people are born into literal shit-holes run by evil despots and suffer a short, painful life, or worse, live a long painful life, but that there is some grand design for that to make the suffering worthwhile.  I want to believe that a mother loses her life and leaves behind a grieving, broken family for a reason.

Because if there was some design, some scheme to it all, I could completely and utterly hate the being carrying out this little plan.  Because making someone suffer with grief, loss, poverty and illness to send a message is terrorism.  So if some being is pulling the strings up there, I think that being is a terrorist.

But maybe those who suffer most will be rewarded in the afterlife that may or may not exist.  Maybe all these poor, starving or sick children will be at complete and total piece if they manage to get through this bullshit test on this particular rock.  But what kind of sick fuck would test someone like that anyway?  Well, Marvin, your family was wiped out by a government death squad, you live in a desert where there is no food and little water, the government or some corrupt war-lord is hijacking the humanitarian shipments that may keep you from starving to death, the children’s charities are being forced to pull-out due to the danger of the situation, your friends were kidnapped and used as sex slaves, and you won’t make it to your 14th birthday.  But because you accepted me into your heart, you get to live in peace now.  Congratulations.

Hey Judy, that breast cancer we got rid of with that awful chemotherapy, the radiation, and the double mastectomy?  Well, now it is ovarian cancer and it is aggressive.  We are going to have to subject your broken body to more treatment in order to stop or slow its progress.  Wow, it is a miracle, the PET scan shows that we managed to get rid of that cancer too.  You are one strong person to live through all of this.  To have what should be the best years of your life sick from treatment and stuck in a hospital.  Hey, Judy, on your follow-up, we found some troubling results.  You have liver cancer and it has metastasized all over your body, including your brain.  There is nothing we can do to save you, but could try chemotherapy to prolong your life another couple of months if you wish to go through it.  Either way, the average survival for someone in your situation is 6 months.  You will gradually lose control over your body and be in constant pain.  Don’t think about taking your life to end this suffering though, because it is a sin and you will spend the rest of eternity burning in Hell.  Have a nice day.

But, according to the books, this life is not the life that matters anyway.  It is just a small part of the grand journey.  In the books, if you do the right thing, like condemning people who don’t follow your book, you will be at peace forever.  That sounds great.  I want to believe that.  Well, not the condemning others part, but the eternal peace if you don’t go out of your way to screw people over part.  But it just doesn’t add up to me.  There are too many contradictions, too many logical inconsistencies.  People of faith tell me that logic shouldn’t apply, that I just need faith to overcome that lack of logic.  Of course, these same people pick and choose the portions of the texts they want to live by.

I want all of you to be at peace, but I don’t want to wait until we die to get there.  I don’t share your faith that our consciousness remains once our body and brain goes.  It could, we could live on in an alternate universe or something, but why wouldn’t we be conscious there right now?  At any rate, whether you believe or not, I ask you, why not strive for peace now?  If you aren’t being hurt, why not let people live and do their thing.  Why should your God object?  If people are hurting other people and you can stop it, go for it.  But aside from that, let people choose the course of their lives, with the same rights afforded to you.

I want to believe, but only if it means that in the afterlife I get to be away from you judgmental religious people.


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

15 thoughts on “I Want To Believe”

  1. It’s so much simpler being a rabbit….No religion!We live then we get old and our body dies and then we move on to the next stage of evolution to the next plane of existence,a new exciting journey….So very simple no man made religion just evolution!xx Speedy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My mother was and is an extreme Bible thumper, and I try to push aside my resentment for it being shoved down my throat all growing up and find some sort of faith in something. Logically I just can’t wrap my mind around it. We are born, we live, we die, and I hate that, I want to believe more. It keeps me up at night, it haunts me in the quiet moments, I stress over it, panic over it, cry over it, get angry over it. Some blogs I read frustrate me, everything doesn’t have to relate to the Bible, every bad thing that happens is not necessarily Satan. No Satan did not possesses your step daughter, she is a teenager, those are called hormones I want to scream…but instead I’m cordial and try to put something non-offensive such as “this too shall pass”.

    I believe in living life being as good as a person as I can. I forgive, I love, I reach out, I help, I trust, I attempt to show compassion, I work on my weaknesses, I am actively considering what is good? And if I get to some right of passage into a greater after life and I’m rejected because I only lived a good life, but not on the right team, or not on any team for that matter, how incredibly narcissistic and unforgiving, and unloving, and closed off, and helpless, and untrusting, and a void of compassion you practice.

    It’s really hard, I’d rather it just be simple, to just have faith. I listen to those who read their passages, or praise their Gods, and I envy them, I envy their ability of believe. I’m not scorned, I’m not bitter, I just struggle to discover belief.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very well said. Particularly the envy portion. That is exactly how I feel sometimes, but I just can’t. And then I think about the teams and the exclusion and I realize that if those people are going to be there too, it can’t be all that great.

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  3. Here’s what I think (not that you care what I think, but I’m going to share anyway…). Anyone who claims they have it figured out is lying. Anyone who claims to not have a single doubt or question about what they believe is lying. We are human. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t have doubts or questions. Nothing about this life is cut and dried, black and white. I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I probably have more questions than answers. But I believe what I believe because I have seen things (God) work in my life in such a personal, inexplicable way that I have no doubt of His existence or love. People who judge or condemn because other people have doubts, or because they believe differently, should be ashamed. That’s not what God is about. And I know about the questions… why is the God of the old testament so different from the Jesus in the new testament? Why are people allowed to suffer? How are we supposed to believe the virgin birth story/flood story/creation story? I don’t know. I just believe because of what I have personally experienced. And if you don’t? I’m totally fine with that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If I didn’t care what you believe, I wouldn’t allow comments on my posts. I am happy that you have your faith, it must be really nice to have a firm belief that this is all somehow worth it. In a way, I am envious of you. But, I am very glad you don’t judge me for my lack of faith in your God. Peace be with you, in this life, and hopefully in eternity.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Josh, if you want to believe, you should do so, regardless of what others are doing/believe. Do what gives you happiness and a sense of peace. I was born into a certain “religion” which at the core has some very valuable lessons but as with most religions, the outer packaging almost becomes THE core and it is as good as not believing. When i searched for answers i came to a place that felt right for ME. Very different from my community as a whole. there have been friends and family that I have been able to help through problems as a result of some changes on my outlook.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I consider myself spiritual, not religious and I am hardly ever judgmental. But I was there when my amazing Mom died of cancer at 63. She had been basically semi-conscious for the last day and a few times she slightly winced when she moved. We had done hospice at home so she was in a hospital bed in she and my Dad’s bedroom. I was in charge of her medication and after discussions with my Dad and agreement with her doctors, we definitely kept her out of pain. When she died, it was just my Dad and I there (my brothers came later). I would never have believed it possible but she was smiling and looked absolutely beautiful! We both asked each other if we had lost our minds lol. Any doubt I had about dying and an afterlife no longer exist.

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