What the fuck? Why do I let these little things get to me so much? There is poverty, war, racism, sexism, terrorism, classism, ismism…I could go on…
But I won’t, instead, I will tell you about the little things that piss me off. Some people call these “First World Problems”, but I think that is just because if you lived in a third world country, you might still be pissed off by these things, provided you weren’t starving or fending off genocide or something. Not that starvation and genocide don’t happen in “First World” countries, just that UNICEF doesn’t typically show the victims on commercials with the girl from Who’s The Boss and the nearly soft-core porn movie that she did once she got tits. We also don’t have peacekeepers or election monitors, though it is certainly something that could be useful lately. Anyway, I’m getting off topic.
Where was I again? Oh, right, the little things that piss me off.
- When you’re trying to show a TV show or movie that you like to someone and they aren’t paying enough attention to even catch the plot or jokes that make it worth watching in the first place. If you didn’t want to watch it, you could have just said so, mom.
- When Netflix takes away one of the few things you could consistently watch over and over again without getting bored, and replaces it with something that scored an 18% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, I don’t always agree with ratings, but an 18% is a pretty good indicator of total suckage.
- Commercial volume that is 10 times louder than the television shows during which they air. I could have sworn that here in the good ol’ US of A the FCC made a rule that limited the volume of the commercials to the loudest volume of the show during which it was airing, but they probably scrapped that as a violation of freedom of speech or some other bullshit argument. If they did, I wonder if I could use the legal precedent to be able to play my drums at 3 in the morning. If commercials are protected speech, my music sure as hell should. Hell, in this country, money is speech now. I wonder if public masturbation would qualify? Not that I’d want to masturbate publicly, but since we’re stretching the definitions…
- The “Gluten Free” label on products that would never, ever contain gluten in the first place. Whether you believe that the anti-gluten crowd are mostly just people with absolutely no concept of food science jumping onto the latest fad (most are), or not (but most are), you can’t deny that food companies are marketing their products as “Gluten Free” to great success. Now, I understand that a very small percentage of people actually have Celiac Disease, and an even smaller percentage of people don’t but do have a sensitivity to gluten, the fact is that anyone who purchases a bottle of water because it has the “Gluten Free” label should not be allowed to drink the limited fresh water this planet provides for people who are actually capable of using their brains.
- People who insist that anything with chemicals in it must be bad. If I hear someone else tell me they refuse to put chemicals into their body or their children’s bodies, I am going to place them on a board, put a rag over there face, and pour dihydrogen monoxide on them. “We can’t vaccinate our children, there are chemicals in them.” Well then, I guess you can’t drink or eat or use any fucking product ever then. “Hahaha. I’m talking about dangerous chemicals!” Well, in the right amounts, everything is poisonous. Anything can be dangerous. The chemicals in most things you consume are safe at the levels you consume them. MOST.
- People who think that if something is natural, it can’t be harmful. Now, I want to make clear that I am firmly in favor of the legalization of marijuana. However, the argument that it is natural and therefore can’t be bad is only an argument that could make sense to someone who is stoned. Do you know what else is natural? Mushrooms that are deadly when consumed in even the smallest amounts. Do you know what else? Ebola. Ebola is natural. Perfectly safe.
- Science deniers. Particularly those who deny the fundamentals of science from their computers or smartphones made possible by advances in technology using the fundamentals of…well, it isn’t literature.
- Pretentiousness. I like poetry, I like stories, I like books. I absolutely cannot stand people who love to show off their vocabulary. Yes, it is axiomatic that I know what axiomatic means. No, I would not use the word axiomatic when I could use the word obvious in its place, unless I am trying to point out the pretentiousness of such an act.
- Prudishness. You may have noticed that I don’t often write about sex. It is not because I’m ashamed, or don’t like sex. I simply wish to keep my own personal sex life between myself, my wife, and the bevy of slaves we keep locked in our penthouse playroom.
- Bragging. Now, obviously, I don’t really keep sex slaves locked in a penthouse playroom. But there are people who would have no problems if they did telling you so, in order to feel superior. I don’t need to speak about my possessions in order to feel superior to anyone, because I know I already am superior to everyone. (Kidding.) Besides, who would even find the knowledge that someone owns sex slaves they lock in a penthouse playroom as something to brag about? I don’t even brag about the one sex slave we keep locked in the basement. (This is just a joke. Human trafficking however, is not. If you need me to tell you that, there is something wrong with you and you should immediately stop consuming dihydrogen monoxide.)
So those are just some of the things that shouldn’t piss me off, but do anyway. Or should they? Tell me if it is worth my pissed off-ness in the comments. If you don’t, it might just piss me off.