It Doesn’t Have To Be This Way

She is the sweetest person you’ll ever know.  She brightens every room the moment she enters it.  Once she decides you are worth it, she will do anything to make you happy.  She is selfless.  She will be more concerned about your happiness than her own.  Everyone who has her in their lives knows just how much better their lives are for it.  She is strong.  She keeps her heart open after it has been stomped on repeatedly.  She’ll give you multiple chances if you are brave enough to take one.

She has heard your excuses, your attempts at explaining your actions.  You don’t need to continue issuing them.  She knows that you were young.  She knows what led you to go.  She has put that in the past.  She has attempted to just let it go.  How old are you now?  What is your explanation since you have been an adult?  She has given you the chances.

She is aware of the conflicts that you have had with those close to her.  She has told you that those conflicts are between you and those people.  She has asked you not to bring it up.  Why do you continue to bring it up?  Why do you hide behind those conflicts?  Why do you hide from her?

Over and over again she has given you a chance.  Over and over again you have made excuses.  Over and over again you have blamed her disappointment with your excuses on those around her.  Over and over again you have tried to deflect the responsibility from yourself.  She has reached out, and you have failed to reach back.  It is her loved ones that tell her to be upset that you have not made a serious effort in her life.  It is bitterness from the past that you have tried to break through, but just can’t seem to.  No, it couldn’t possibly be your current excuses, your explanations, your defensiveness, your continued hiding.  None of this is your fault.  It couldn’t be.

You have spent her whole life blaming others for your failure to be a part of it.  Despite that, she continues to hope that you’ll one day accept the mistakes you made, and turn around.  She still holds out hope that one day, you’ll make an effort.  She wants you to be a part of her life.

You don’t deserve it.

I wonder if you knew how often she cried over your failures to be a man, if you would even make an attempt to become one now.  I doubt it.  You have had plenty of opportunities.  What could the little girl ever have done to you?  Why do you hold the issues you may have with her family against her?

Of course she is going to be upset when you continue to dredge up your issues with those she cares for.  Of course she is going to be angry when you are using those issues as an excuse to continue your hiding.  Of course she is going to be upset when you insult her by suggesting she is being manipulated as part of some conspiracy against poor little you, the runner.

How many times have you run?  How many times have you tucked your tail between your legs when you had the chance to be brave?  How many times have you acted like you were ready only to find some reason to back away?

Too many.

It doesn’t have to be this way.  All you would need to do is be willing to let go of the past, and seek out a future.  All you would have to say is that you made mistakes before, but you are here now.  She isn’t asking you why you ran away.  She isn’t looking for an explanation.  She doesn’t need your excuse.  She doesn’t need your pathetic attempts at deflecting the responsibility you have for your own actions.  She doesn’t care.  She would probably give you yet another chance.  It doesn’t have to be this way.

Or does it?

You see, I care very deeply for her.  And I don’t like it when she is hurt.  You may not be aware of it, but every time she has given you a chance, and every time you have failed her, she was hurt.  Someone like her can’t just shut off her feelings.  Someone like her can’t shut off her heart.  Sure, most of that hurt may be anger now, but deep down, I know she feels the pain.  I know, because unlike you, I have gotten to know her.  Unlike you, I have seen her heart.  I have seen her love, her generosity, her passion, her compassion, her pure amazing beauty.

And I’m fucking tired of you causing her any pain.

If you made an attempt, she’d probably let you in.  She’d be willing to give you another chance to be a man.

But I know you’re not capable of a genuine attempt.  I know you’re just a defensive little boy.  You are going to believe that your lack of a genuine relationship with her is everyone’s fault but your own.  Every single time you initiate contact, I know you aren’t going to follow through.  I know it is only going to make it worse.

And so I have something to say to you.

It didn’t have to be this way, but it does now.  I will not allow you to hurt her again.  You can try all you want to continue to string her along, you can try all you want to explain why you should be forgiven, but you will never be a real part of her life.  I won’t let you.  This is pretty simple.  Hurt her again, and I swear I will end you.

You ran away, over and over again.  I suggest you keep running.  You’re good at it.

It really does have to be this way.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

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